What do you make of husband acting this way?

Question

I have been married for 5 yrs, together 8. My husband basically ignores all my needs. He is a car salesman and uses this as an excuse to be gone ALL the time to bars. After work I expect him home and he comes home about 5+ hrs late usually drunk and cocky. He always things he is "all that" and makes false claims of how much "money he makes'. Reminding me that "you don't make that much in a month what I make in a day!" Which isn't even true! When he is home he is on the phone for hours talking and never gives our son and I any time. He has "friends" as he calls them calling here and he talks about them and I have no idea who they even are. He goes to so many bars and meets all these people he is giving our home phone out to. We never have sex. He talks down to me constantly calls me names and basically traps me in this apartment. He spends so much money we don't have going out like a teenager. This man is 40. I am sick of it and can't stand it anymore. Does he even love or need me?

Is he cheating on me? How do you even start a divorce if that is what I chose? I have very little money as he uses it for his benefit and I Do have a low pay job. I go to college at night so I don't have a great day job YET! HELP! I cry daily and I feel neglected.

Answer 1

He is an inconsiderate boob. I'd consider talking to an experienced counselor with him (if he agrees). If not, work through what you need to do with a counselor.

I'd consider your husband's behavior abusive, and I'd think carefully about freeing yourself and your son from that situation.

Answer 2

The question that's important is do you even need or love him?! It doesn't sound like he gives you anything except money and that comes with strings and basically indentured servitude so I say dump the loser. He talks down to you and isn't a very good partner or father. Call a divorce lawyer out of the phone book. You'll get alimony and hcild support and hopefully you have your own job so you can support yourself and you child. You can do better than this jerk. he's almost a caricature of the sleazy car salesman and the people at the bar he goes to probably make fun of him behind his back when he's not around.

Answer 3

You can go to legal aid and get some advice. It's obvious that you have become an anchor to this "man" and you need to get out before he begins to abuse you and your son. At 40 he should be an adult not a teenager with raging hormones. IF you have come to this point then it's time to take the next step.
You are doing your best to make something of yourself by working and going to college. Even though your son might not understand it now on down the road he will see that you have made the right choice. Make sure you have a copy of your last tax return that way you can prove that your husband has the means to support your son.

Answer 4

He spends way to much time away from home and neglects the relationship with you and his son. Hanging out in bars, drinking,and not coming home after work is not the behavior of a man committed to his family. With his attitude, it would be giving me every indication that he could not be trusted to cheat on me. Especially if there was no sex life going on between us! I could not live this way with his arrogance and disrespect treating my son and I like we were nothing! His actions speak louder than words here and it would be hard for me to believe that he loved or needed me let alone even cared! I am sorry but your husband is not right and taking you and your child forgranted. You could try to give him a wake up call but I doubt anything you do will make a change in him. He is selfish where your needs are concerned and he is emotionally abusive. The only one you have the power to change here is you....and if I were you I would start preparing myself for a future without him. You could suggest marriage counseling as a final ultimatum because when you walk away you will know that you done everything you could for your own peace of mind. If you really do love him you have to put a stop to his nonsense now and stand up to him and let him know how it is going to be or else. If you don't it will just be a matter of time before he picks up someone else and she convinces him to leave you for her. When a man goes out drinking, and putting himself into tempting situations he lowers his resistance for anything to happen. Especially if he picks up female drunken bar flies. I would be very carefull if he approaches you for intimacy if he has been unfaithful because of all the STD'S out there. Take care and I wish you the best.

Answer 5

Of course prolly by the time I answered this question everyone else already gave you good advice about your pseudo big man on campus husband.

First start having your own bank accts in secret. Second if possible start getting out of any joint accts if possible. Get legal aid right away esp with regards to neglecting the kid. Third forget (I know this will be difficult at first) about relying on him when it comes to emotional support. Start thinking of him as a parasitic lodger while you get the divorce or separation proceedings in order and concentrate on your school, your son and yourself. Surround yourself with a few friends and family members if possible. If you really wish ppl to stop phoning you then change the number if you are paying for it or you can make a log of who calls him if possible esp females. Start ignoring him in the sense that you don't have to be responsible for him e.g. no dinner, no laundry, no love, not even tough love, no nothing. Of course you can take note of his irresponsible ways, the frivolous bills he is raking up as part of building the case that he is neglectful. No he does not love you at least not anymore which is no fault of your own. However he does want you guys to be around for abuse and something to bad mouth others about. Obviously, he does not want to be a family man anymore, want to conveniently blame you for it, and relishing in regressing in posing as a single teenage guy living and taking for granted a pseudo parent with a very young pseudo sibling that he thinks he can play I need my independence attitude. There are even teenage guys who would seriously laugh at his "blazer and jeans" ways. I can see some young ladies snickering at him behind his back as they down those drinks he prolly bought them.

Sorry for your loss but cheat on you or not you are better off without him. It goes without saying some ppl do whatever they want when they want without regard to others.

Answer 6

Only he knows for sure if he loves you, but he sure isn't acting like it, and even if he loves you, he doesn't act like he wants to be married.
I think your best resource at this point is your college, since most of colleges have a lot of programs to help students. If they don't have the help you need, try your church, your county, or try 211, the "first call for help" hotline. You will need counseling to help you sort through your feelings and decide what you want to do about this, and legal help so you can protect the interests of your son and yourself and find out exactly what your rights are. If he makes so much more money than you, you will be entitled to support from him to help you raise your son.
Please don't let this continue much longer - you deserve better and so does your child.

Answer 7

He's living like he is single, and resents the fact that he's not. It is unhealthy to raise a child in this environment, so you either go to counseling together to try and work things out, or end the marriage for the sake of your and your child's health. I would not delay college...remember that he's going to have to pay you child support, so you will have additional income. Is there family or a friend that you can move in with temporarily until the dust settles? Anyway, I really hope you can work things out, but if not I wish you the best.

Answer 8

your being disrespected, he doesn't consider your feelings, he avoids u like the plague, a sign that he is cheating. he Bragg's about the money he earns to compensate for the money he doesn't make, he Bragg's due to low self worth to make himself look big. he likes to tear u down so u Willl feel as low as he does. if u are in college u wil soon be able to get a good job and move away from him. u could file for divorce, freeze his as setts, make him leave, he will have to pay u alimony if u don't make as much as him, and pay spousal support until the divorce becomes final. this is exactly the way a man behaves when he is seeing someone else. he no longer treats u with any respect, its as if u are a bother to him, and the once loving relationship, is gone when theres someone else in the marriage.

Answer 9

I don't want to talk nasty about anyone's "loved one", but it doesn't matter if he's cheating on you. He is an alcoholic, number one. He may be dealing drugs, since he's constantly on the phone with a bunch of people you don't know.

He is abusive to you emotionally, as well.

You do need to get out of it. And you may be able to go to a woman's shelter with your son who can also help you find a place and a good job and away from him.

Your concern should be for yourself and your son, because this guy is not in any state to understand your needs or your love. He also needs help, but it doesn't sound like he's willing to get it.

Answer 10

Divorce doesn't have to be expensive. I spent less than 400 bucks on mine and we have a kid together too. I think he is just an a**. He probably talks down to you because it makes him feel like a "big man" or something. Leave. It doesn't get any better. With all the money he is raking in (his words) he can pay child support.

Answer 11

I am sorry to tell you this, but your husband sounds like a loser. But I think you know this already. Can you move in with a family member or kick him out? It doesn't sound like he really needs you guys anyways. Apparently you are just sharing an apartment, but not sharing a life.

You are too good for him, and one of these days you will have a career, and he will still be the loser who hangs out at the bar and talks big.

I say cut your losses. I am not sure how to tell you to do it, but I think you have already got this figured out, you just needed to hear someone else affirm what you already know.