we just got married, and we can't seem to get along now that we are living together.
I am thinking of separating and moving out. I don't know how to fix this.
HELP PLEASE! : (
2007-10-21 14:49:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all, deep breath. Now-how was your relationship before you got married? If you had a happy and healthy relationship before marriage, your fighting this week is probably just growing pains. It takes a lot of time and energy to make one life where there used to be two. It also takes a LOT of compromise-*everything* has to be redone, discussed, and negotiated-from where you keep the toilet paper to who sleeps on what side of the bed to what you spend your time and money on. That's a lot of new habits you're going to have to make, and a lot of old habits your going to have to break-for BOTH of you!-and that takes time, effort and, yes, a little fighting. The first year of marriage (or living together) is the hardest for that reason-it's a whole new universe and neither of you can do everything your way anymore. It takes time to adjust to the fact that you have to consider someone else's needs in every decision you make.
Another common issue in the first year of marriage is space-before you live together you are used to having a lot of time and space to do the things you want to do. Now that you're married, there is always someone sitting where you want to sit, or using the computer when you want to use it, or talking on the phone when you need it...or just generally getting into your bubble. That can be a hard adjustment to make, but again it all comes down to compromise.
Since you haven't been married that long, I wouldn't throw in the towel yet. Try to focus on the things that brought you together-and really take time to appreciate the things you love about eachother. Go on a real date, write eachother love notes, and take time out to tell eachother how much you love eachother. Also make time to do things by yourself-go out to lunch or to a movie by yourself. You can even sit in the same room while you type on the computer and he reads a book-my husband and I do that all the time-so that you're together but you're not on eachother's back all the time. Whenever you do something try to think about how the other person will feel. Also try to find one nice, selfless thing to do for your husband each day. Even if it's just something small-like letting him watch HIS show instead of yours, or making his favorite dinner, or letting him go out on guy night without a fight-try to do at least ONE thing a day, and suggest that he do the same for you.
Above all, talk to eachother. Make sure that you stay in constant, honest communication. Don't blame eachother, or accuse eachother, but instead focus on letting the other person know how you honestly feel and what your needs are-you got married because you care about eachother's lives, feelings, and thoughts so let that show! And don't get discouraged because of fighting. Fighting happens-as long as it's not physical, it's okay and it's normal.
Good luck =)
2007-10-21 15:24:58 · answer #1 · answered by lovelymrsm 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
If you're husband is willing to forget about it, that should be a good sign for you, at least with the actual fight. It happened, both of you were right and wrong, so put it aside and work to fix the issues that caused it rather than dwell on the actual fight. Can I ask why in the world you don't leave the house? I understand that he takes the car, but do you live in an area where you can go for walks, at all? We live a good 3-4 miles outside of town, in the country, but I could totally pull out the stroller or sling and go for a nice long walk if I needed. Find some way to get out of the house. Seriously. Even if it means just going for a couple of 15 minute stroller walks because it's too cold out to do much more than that, that's fine. You can also ride into "work" with your husband and spend the day in town. If your husband has a short commute, you could even take the car and drop him off at work sometimes so that you can get out and do a few things while he's working, then go back and pick him up at the end of the day. You'll feel a lot better if you can actually stop being house bound. And shower. I'm sure you can find 10 minutes while Sophia is sleeping. If you absolutely can't, take a bath with her. You can handle this. You really can.
2016-05-24 02:19:10 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Were you fighting before you got married? There lies the big question.
If the answer is no, then I may tell you that you are both dealing with some stress from joining 2 households. Now you both have to share everything. This takes some adjustments and compromise. In a marriage, you have to be selfless and look out for the best interest of the other person. If one or both cannot compromise, then there is a problem.
If you were fighting long before this, then perhaps you knew you didnt need to get married? I have no idea since I dont know your personal situation.
2007-10-21 14:56:58 · answer #3 · answered by lefttheroom222 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Hmmm....there's a BIG difference between dating and being married. Living together is going to take some time, adjustment and alot of patience.
Neither of you are backing down and that's not what marriage is, whose right or wrong, you gotta come together to find a solution that fits you both, equally. It's like setting rules or guidelines.
The first thing you do is pick a neutral time when neither of you is tired, that seems to lead to alot of fights easily, the second thing is don't try to win the argument, the whole point is to be heard and make your feelings known without tearing apart the other with character assassination. (IE-"You're being a b*tch--a**.")
The third thing is to reassure each other that you can disagree without it leading to separation or divorce, marriage is work, compromise and the choice to make each others lives easier or harder.
Find a quiet time and good luck.
2007-10-21 15:00:08 · answer #4 · answered by Yankee Micmac 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
First thing is to realise that fighting solves absolutely nothing. If you can't talk about it and make some comprimises then you will resent each other. You can't let problems like the toilet seat and the toothpaste cap get in your way. Your not going to be able to fix your problems if you don't work on them together. Talk-don't argue. The two of you must learn to work together or you may as well get the marriage anulled before you waste a minute longer yelling.
2007-10-21 15:10:55 · answer #5 · answered by Joly 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Whoa there!
Come on now, you just got married and you’re ready to pack it in already? Act, don't react. You made a commitment and haven't even begun your journey together yet.
I know this sounds harsh and I'm not saying it to be mean but Grow Up! You’re a married woman now, not a little girl. You have to work things out not run away.
Seek marriage counseling ASAP.
2007-10-21 14:58:27 · answer #6 · answered by ? 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
fix what? first you have to identify what it is you're fighting about and then find some common ground. you can agree to disagree, and you don't have to come over to his way of thinking nor he to yours. as long as you are fighting with a purpose so to speak. if you are calling each other names and tearing each other down and attacking each other, that's not a good thing. go to your universe and let him go to his and then when all is sufficiently cooled down, then you can come back together when cooler heads prevail. what are you fighting about? it's difficult to live with someone. you have to say what irritates you about the other person or whatever it is that is bothering you. get it out. don't attack each other. say what's on your mind without attacking each other. why do i keep saying this over and over again? because if you attack each other, you will keep fighting and won't accomplish a thing. learn how to fight. continue to communicate with one another and learn to respect each other and have some proper boundaries and things will get better. it might even help you to get some marriage counseling. having an independent, third party, neutral person to hear both sides will help you both to be able to meet on common ground, work out your differences and make some real progress. i wish you all the best
2007-10-21 15:02:14 · answer #7 · answered by thecatmama 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
hmmm...be positive and patient, give him some time, after that talk to him if anything is bothering him. If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, then respond calmly and sweetly "are you sure?"
if he says no again then he is not ready to talk about it. If he says " (sigh) i dont know" then tell him that he can talk to you anytime his ready and you are there for him. Make a surprise that doesn't involve money or not his money. Rent a movie, make a cake . Ask him if you can do anything for him.
Remember keep it positive, pray to God, don't say "oh i hope not", " oh its not going to happen" Again keep it positive, support your husband, don't move out or separate. Talk to him , but not too much ^_^
2007-10-21 15:05:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
hang in there for a bit........get hubby to sit with you and talk this problem over , nothing is easy but its worth a try.
imagine years from you .......how would you feel if after such a short time you gave up and didnt try to make it work.
counselling with someone else to talk it all through with may help, even if he doesnt want to participate it could be worth it for you.
living with someone is not an easy thing and there are a lot of adjustments to make, don't give up too easily ,
good luck
2007-10-21 15:02:31 · answer #9 · answered by sandiemay01 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
get some counciling. Marriage is alot of work.
2007-10-21 15:09:39 · answer #10 · answered by Bob D 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋