He is a recovering alcoholic and now claims he has changed for the better. He also has experienced depression but claims he is a new person. He keeps trying to win me back. Should I give him another chance or keep him out of my life forever? We have no children. Opinions?
2007-10-21 11:59:36 · 33 answers · asked by cats 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We have been divorced for 3 years. He has been sober he claims for about 1 year. He seems lonely but I don't want to be hurt again!
2007-10-21 12:08:02 · update #1
He is your ex for several reasons and it is time for both of you to start over.
2007-10-21 12:02:35 · answer #1 · answered by Spring 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I come from a family of addicts. All of my immediate family are alcoholics and it is spread through both sides of my family tree. I am a compulsive gambler myself, but addiction is all the same. I have also experienced anxiety and depression to its fullest.
I think it is really commendable when I see someone take the plunge into recovery. It is a very difficult thing to do, especially given the common character pattern of addicts. He has made a huge step and that is something he should proud of. Many alcoholics never do this.
I am curious to know, however, if you know the reason he decided to seek help. Did he do this for himself or because of the fact he wants to win you back? The reason I ask is because if it truly is the former, you MIGHT consider taking him back. However, if it is because he wants to get back with you then I don't think you should give him another chance. The reason for this is that he is simply using his recovery as a tool to get you back and not for what it truly should be, to recover from an alcohol problem. I would promise you that if you took him back things would eventually crumble. If it is for the reason of getting you back, he is just manipulating you to get what he wants. My God, I know this all too well.
If he really did get help for just himself, there is still a lot to consider. How long has he been sober and recovering? How seriously does he take going to meetings and working the program? You see, just being sober is only a small part of the equation. If he doesn't work to make a positive character change, I believe he will eventually go back to his old ways.
I personally think you should consider keeping him out of your life forever. It could very be the best thing for both of you. If he tries to manipulate you, you must stand your ground. Write me if you have any questions.
2007-10-21 12:17:55 · answer #2 · answered by cagewalker 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say he claims to have changed, that's great, but I would want some proof. Has he completed a 12 step or other recovery program for alcoholics? How long ago was that? How long has he remained sober? Is he undergoing psychological/psychiatric treatment for the depression? I would venture to guess that he was drinking to self-medicate for the depression, so if the depression hasn't been appropriately dealt with, it will come back, and more than likely, the drinking as well.
I firmly believe just about everyone deserves a 2nd chance. Only you can decide if he's worth your giving him one. I wish you luck!
2007-10-21 12:04:21 · answer #3 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your asking this question because you want to still be with him regardless of all the things he been through. You still care or in love with him. And thats alright.
But,I wouldn't take him back, just because he says he has changed. You still need proof and you want to protect yourself.
You decide what,when, and how things will go down. Take it slow, and look for warning signs. Don't let him think you are desperate. Keep some distance between the two of you. And tell him you want to take the relationship slow. Don't let this be an open door policy. Is he employed? Is he hnging around the same people? Be strong! Don't let him manipulate you or think because you are leting him back in your life that you are weak.
On the flip side, you can move on! Because this is a lot to deal with.
2007-10-21 12:16:17 · answer #4 · answered by colormelove 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That decision is all up to you however if you do decide to go back to him make sure he is really clean and sober and is getting treatment at AA. I would not jump right into something I would wait and date him all over again for at least a year before going another step. This should give you enough time to see if he is a changed man or not.
2007-10-21 12:04:59 · answer #5 · answered by Judi W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Recovering alcoholics are one drink away from relapse. Are you willing to take the chance? Let me know because I'm divorcing one right now and although she has quit and claims to have changed, the only thing that I see she has changed is she quit drinking.
2007-10-21 12:16:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Not unless it has been several months and he has gone through a lot of counseling. He is probably guilt ridden from his behavior towards you and wants the chance to make it up. I would say be his friend and nothing more. He hurt you once what is to say he won't do it again? If you are thinking about getting back together with him seriously consider getting some marital counseling to see if the problems really are taken care of. Or just to remind you of how bad it was being married to him.
2007-10-21 12:05:54 · answer #7 · answered by Mmgirl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's a simple question of do you want him back in your life? Sit down and make a list of pros and cons to decide. If you choose to work things out make a plan for you two to follow and stick to it. Don't say ok, move in, let's get married again next week. Make it a long process that has goals and consequences for various actions. It is a big decision that only you can make.
2007-10-21 13:47:52 · answer #8 · answered by anonymous 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My philosophy is that a person is your ex for a reason and not just for the things you listed. Secondly, it sound like you already have doubts. I would say be his friend but as far as relationship goes, it is better not to pursuit it. Remember change is an everyday process, not just one day and saying you changed. It is best to move on and find somebody new because it seems like you are going to be on edge waiting for something to drop if you give it another chance.
2007-10-21 12:13:41 · answer #9 · answered by ♥♥Bree♥♥ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How do you truly feel? Was there any abuse while;e he was immersed in the bottle? I can understand you being apprehensive. Maybe a few more months apart will help clear the air. Were you the enabler that kept supporting him while he was drinking. you have to look at your side too. Do you really want to go thru this again? Tough questions but you really have to be honest with yourself.
2007-10-21 12:06:16 · answer #10 · answered by Steven D 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you still love him?
Are you doing this for both of you or just becasue of him?
If you want to give him a second chance then sit down and develop a plan for getting back together, I recommend just dating at first and tell him that if he starts drinking or abusing Drugs at any time then it is over for ever.
2007-10-21 12:42:06 · answer #11 · answered by will_955 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋