Does this deserve forgiveness?

Question

I have been living and sharing expenses with the same person for over three years and have discovered banking activity for just her. I first asked if what she used the account for and she told me she was saving money for a mutual purpose. I asked about the balance and she said she was putting extra money into a loan payment which made automatic deductions ; a savvy savings plan; but not the part that angers me. I searched around and found receipts. A deposit over $3000 was made and at present it is about $400. The deposit was from her selling stock shares. She told me that she got $1000 for the transaction. Then as we discussed it further, a rental property income was deposited into that same account for $1000. Now in my mind that is $4100 that is now unaccounted for.
I had been working overtimethis past summer and all I earned is not in the savings, as we had planned.
I feel hurt, ignorant and resentful for the mismanaging of our money and her lack of honesty. Is this a forgivable?

Answer 1

From my perspective as a woman, I would seriously think this one over. I feel that if you are living together and sharing expenses for the last 3 years that all finances should be together or at least openly discussed. My fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years now and since year 1 all of our accounts have been together and he has as much access to them as I do and for good reason, because we fully trust one another. I would be very hurt as well in your situation as you don't know where that money went to?? WOW! I think if you are to forgive her that she needs to start talking and honestly...It is NOT too much to ask where that money went. It would be different if you didn't live together and share your expenses, but you are! Also, if she is saving money for a mutual purpose what would be the harm in adding your name to the account as a joint account holder as I did with my fiance?

Answer 2

Forgiveness in ones decision, and it must come from the bottom of your heart. Surely yes you can forgive her. Its hurtful that you had such experience as mine but though one thing is that some worm en don't know what a budget is. They are poor financial budgets as your partner here. She would use the money which she feel its free money without a plan perhaps buying unnecessary stuff. I used to have a joint account with my wife and worked all the overtime mostly like 60 hours overtime every two weeks. My rents plus all the bills was less than $1000.00 yet I was getting btwn $4000-5200 each month and when I thought I had $8000.00 I found out I had $800.00 When I thought I had $6000.00 I found out I had$900.00. There was nothing I was to do. I was upset, mad. angry etc but what did I gain out of it, absolutely nothing. Even if you sue her, the fact remain the same that you both had equal rights to the account. Let this be a lesson learned and close down joint accounts and have your own account because she had a habit of misusing money which she won't stop doing it if money is there. She deserve forgiveness and don't dwell on it but move on with other issues at hand and restart your financial freedom once again.

Answer 3

Yeah, if you love her and want to stay married, it is forgivable......but with a few changes. That bank account in her name be totally closed and a new one in both your names be opened. The existing money that is in that account be put into the new one and you hold the bankbook. On payday, you both sit down and work out the budget together. You give her an allowance for her personal use that she can do whatever she wants. Any money she earns is put into the savings account, including any money from shares being sold and any money from rental income. You decide how much of your pay goes into the savings account and keep an allowance for yourself. She cant be trusted with money, therefore you will have to take over the finances. If she refuses to comply, then I would not be giving her any of my money. I would be paying for the expenses, but the rest goes into a bank account in my name only. Good luck. You need to get this right now, otherwise she could spend every cent you earn.

Answer 4

Okay first you say you have been sharing expenses with this person. Has she been paying her fair share every month? If not, you need to get out on your own. If so, great.

As for savings: If she was putting money away for something you BOTH agreed to save for and she hasn't kept up her end of the bargain, you need to sit down with her and find out why. Some people aren't as good as others with managing money, but they don't mismanage it with any malicious intent. Perhaps she could use some help (putting HER part of the savings into an account that required both your signatures for withdraws, for example).

If this doesn't solve the issue, or if you find that she is callously mismanaging the money, there isn't much you can do. As long as she pays her fair share of the ongoing living expenses, her savings belong to HER. You will obviously be hurt (and I would explain that to her in detail) and may wish to split at that point....no one can make that choice for you.

Answer 5

This same thing happened to me. There seems to be a certain break down in communication when it comes to joint accounts. You seem to have the understanding that this account has one goal- which is to save money; while to your partner, this account is an account that money can be readily deposited and debited at thier discretion regardless of consequence.

The best thing to do is to forgive it this time. Make sure your partner knows that this accout is for deposit only. Once money is in, it does not come out unless it is mutually agreed upon.

If worse comes to worse, take your name off the account. Then, your money will not be involved in the decisions being made and your partner will become more concious when its their own money missing.

Money is the root of all evil and one of the major reasons that many couples will split. Total forgiveness will depend on whether or not it happens again.

Answer 6

Ouch! Money is the #1 cause of relationships (marriages or cohabitating partners) dissolving. You have to talk about it. I suspect, she is going to be a bit offended that you were snooping through receipts and such. If you want this relationship to last, be prepared to forgive and start fresh. I would ask her why she feels the need to lie about the amount she has in there. Maybe the heart of the issue is that she doesn't feel you have the same "money ethics". Sounds like she might be more of a spender than you are. In he end it will come down to rather or not you are each willing to make some compromises for the other. A saver and a spender can be a match made in heaven if they balance each other out ;-)

Answer 7

It's possible she has a problem you can help her resolve. The easiest thing to do that'll quickly ease your mind is to take her into the bank and change the savings account so that it requires both signatures in order for a wd to be made.
Maybe ask her to take a second job to repay the money of yours you took. Actions shouldn't go without consequence, but this is something you could probably work through if it's what you really wanted.

Answer 8

I'm not sure if it's completely unforgivable...but the deception could cause major trust issues. Talk to her and insist that she's honest with you about what happened to the money. If it truly was a mutual purpose she may have been trying to suprise you. If not then there is a problem. Have you noticed her buying a lot of things? Clothes, shoes, jewelry...those are things that us women can have a weakness for.
Before jumping the gun I would definitely talk to her first...
Good Luck!

Answer 9

In any kind of relationship, good faitfh and honesty should be the paramount considerations if such relationship should be maintained. Otherwise,said relationship will not endure the test of time. In your particular case, there was a breach thereof, and therfore, to prevent further damage, termination of the relationship is the inevitable cosequence. This is my personal opinion.

Answer 10

She's hiding something and I seriously doubt it's for you or the both of you. You need to tell her that until she tells you exactly what she's doing, she won't see another penny of your money. Make sure you know exactly how much money the two of you share and that she's not going to empty the bank and leave. Protect yourself.