I need some serious advice right now from the adults here?

Question

This is a serious matter for me and I need some real answers as to what I should do.

I have a huge fear of people leaving me. I get scared that people will get tired of me and no longer want me around or that people will just walk out of my life for good and that any relationship I had with them, they will no longer want. This fear has gotten worse. It's gotten to the point where if someone actually has a reason why they have to or want to leave, I get scared that they will forget about me and not want me anymore. I don't want to live with this fear. I don't want it to affect my relationships but I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how to get this fear out of my head and out of my life.

I do have reason for this fear though. There have been a few people in my life that have used me and left me. People have, what some would call "abandoned" me in certain respects. But I don't believe in living through my past.

What should I do?

Answer 1

Being abandoned is a terribly traumatic experience that is very nearly impossible to forget once you have felt its effects. You may not be able to forget this fear. It may travel beside you like a constant companion through your life. All fear is from the devil and fear is the mind killer. You must find a way to get a hold on this fear and become the master of it. You can not allow it to be the controlling force in your life.If the fear starts to WIN the control of your life then you will be it's SLAVE forever. Once you have been the WINNER in your battles with fear,,,,you will begin to grow more and more strong and confident about your ability to control this fear.Just keep on FIGHTING and each little battle that you WIN will give you greater strength for the next battle with this fear. When you SPEAK of this FEAR from now on,,,,,DO NOT speak of it as if it were "YOUR" fear. It is fear,,,,but it is NOT "yours". It does NOT belong to you. It belongs to its FATHER,,,the devil.Talk to this fear and tell it that YOU are in control of your life and that you WILL it to go away from you. The power of your WILL is going to grow stronger as you exercise it. Exercise YOUR will over this unseen force called "fear". You are fighting in the SPIRIT realm now. Satan HATES you so much because you have chosen to side with GOD,,and against Satan. Pray for KNOWLEDGE,WISDOM,and UNDERSTANDING,,,and these weapons will help you in your wars of the spirit world.The BEST friend you have ,,,,,,has PROMISED you that HE will NEVER leave you abandoned! Those people that are supposed to be a part of your life will be SENT into your life by god and you will never find the NEED for the ones that have "abandoned" you once you learn how to deal with these feelings. GET A NEW AVATAR that is more representative of WHO you are!

Answer 2

Force yourself to stop dwelling on this. It sounds like this is turning into an obssession with you, which means it will manifest itself for others to see -- which would be in the form of appearing needy or vulnerable, which would then attract more people who would take advantage of you.

If you had a few people use you, congratulations -- you're a member of the human race. And no, I don't mean that sarcastically -- it's just that these are things that happen to everyone.

There is no such thing as a perfect, carefree life. Those exist only in Hollywood movies. So just buck up and change your thinking -- don't be paranoid. Trust me, people will come and go all the time throughout your life, so you really do need to have some flexibility.

It's easy when you're young to want good times with people to continue. You meet someone, get along great with them, have a lot of fun, and then suddenly you've drifted apart. This was rough for me in my early years, because I work in theatre -- it's all project-based, meaning that after more than six weeks together and bonding with people, the project ends and you're then separated from them.

But even outside the arts, out in the "real world," it's common to forge friendships that last for several years and then wane. This should NOT be construed as them getting tired of you -- it's just that all humans change as their lives progress, and none of your friends' changes are going to parallel yours.

So I strongly advise you to work on accepting that the few instances you had were just negative flukes and are NOT the norm. Again, you need to stop this from becoming an obssesion, because that aura of desperation will both draw the users I mentioned before, but also be a deterrent to nice folks wanting to forge relationships with you. It could be a vicious cycle, so force yourself off the merry-go-round now.

Answer 3

A question - did he want to fix things before you said that you were thinking about divorce? Did he say that he'd changed before or after you threatened divorce? If before then that's fine - if after... well, I don't know how much you'll be able to trust him on that. Most abusers do not change without some kind of counseling and the fact that he refuses to go sounds like he's not taking this very seriously. If he's already changed then he wouldn't have any problem going there and saying so. It sounds like you still really care about him and do want for things to work out. If you stick with your agreement to give him another chance I don't think that you should let him live with you & the kids for a while until you've become pretty sure as to whether you're going to stay with him or divorce - it's just not fair to the kids. If you decide that you just can't trust him or don't want to go through this then yes, you can change your mind. He's lucky that you didn't get started on the divorce already, I know I would have. If he does it again you need to act fast. Call the police & get pictures & have it documented. I don't know if you had any of the other times documented but it's something that you have to do. You may need to be able to prove this someday & nothing is better than a police report. If you do decide to let him have another chance please be careful. As I said before, please don't let him live with you, it's just too risky. Make sure that you get the locks changed. If you've got someone that watches your kids for you make sure that they know that your hubby is not allowed to pick up the kids. Basically, don't trust this guy half as far as you can throw him. He has treated you in an unacceptable way that is inhumane and illegal and you don't have to take it. HOWEVER... If this guy ever hurt you badly (broken bones, left scars, burns, or threatened you with these things) then I'd tell you to cut him off. Abuse in any form is wrong, but to me, there's a difference between shoving someone and breaking someone's arm. A guy that does that kind of ##$## doesn't really believe that what he's doing is wrong and he won't stop until somebody makes him understand. If your husband fits into this category then please make sure that you have the telephone number for your local women's shelter and that he has no access to your bank accounts. Tell people that you know what is going on and try to set up a support system so that if you do need to leave you'll be able to stay a night with one of them. Above all else, be careful. Think with your head and not your heart. Keeping you and your kids safe (physically, mentally, and emotionally) is the most important thing

Answer 4

Dear Meg,

I totally dig what you're saying because I've been there. I come from a broken home and always had abandonment issues since I was a kid. I still get anxious when I hear someone jiggle their car keys. I don't want to talk about were it comes from or why. *thinks* Ok maybe a little. What has helped me is acceptance and a knowledge of myself. You seem like a very smart and mature person for your age. I was a hormonal idiot at 19... I was smart, but in a weasel kind of way. I believe you have a need to touch ground with a real friend, or person. I was always under the impression that people would like me for what I could give them, and it broke my heart many times, because I tried so hard. I learned that the hard way. People will like you for what you can feel not what you are, although they'll accept what you are. Time does wonders and things happen in time to teach us life lessons. Sometimes those lessons are hard, and soemtimes they're more subtle. Have you ever heard the saying, "the only thing you have to fear, is fear itself"? It's very true. Forget about where your so called friends are headed to. They have their lives and so do you. Live in the present. At the end of a party think of the great time you had and forget about the future, the good times spent together are the only reminder we need to know what we have in eachother. Good friends are one in a million. Sometimes they stay for a while and sometimes they go their way. What you learn from them is worth just as much as their presence. Take all the good you learn, and bring it on to others. We all have friendship needs, and we are naturally attracted to those whom we think can help us grasp what we lack and make us better people. When someone says goodbye be happy that they go on, like in that song "My Heart Will Go On" from TITANIC. As they go on, so does your love. There is no need to feel bad about those that used you and then left. Yes you were used but you learned from it. There's no need to feel bad about loosing the ones that used you. Sometimes is better to cut our losses and keep going forward. People are naturally selfish there's nothing we can do about that. I hope this helps a bit and feel better soon. Read this book: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Livingston_Seagull

S/M/33

PS. Sorry for not writing in paragraphs.

Answer 5

I too have experienced what you are going through. You need to look around and see who is in your life for the long haul. I discovered that my family is the only ones who will stay for the long haul. Friends come and go. What do you do to try and keep the friendship going with people. A lot of my mistakes were myself pulling away from people so I wouldn't get hurt. True friendships are worth fighting for. But if you've done nothing wrong and you've tried all you can do, you may have to just let it go. They probably weren't your true friends to begin with. I hope this helps. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I know exactly what you mean.

I lost a lot of people this summer. I stopped counting at 17.

Some were best friends.

Now, I have an extreme fear of losing anyone. I use a few different online profiles, and even if I've never talked to someone; not even once, finding out that they're going to delete their account scares the hell out of me. I freak out; can't handle it.

I honestly don't know what you should do. But I do know that you're not alone :)

Answer 7

This world isn't a nice one and if your a good person it seems like this giant world and eat you up and spit you out without a second thought.People leave and people stay its part of life. you learn that you are really the only person you can count on unless your lucky enough to have great parents.even then you can still feel alone.some people say the older you get the easier it gets but it really depends on who you are and how hard you fight to make your way in the world.Everyone feels alone and nobody likes to feel left be hide but you have to make yourself strong on the inside as well as the outside. Love yourself and don't worry about the rest it does eventually work itself out in the end.

Answer 8

You probably are a insecure person. You have a problem with co-dependency. You should try going to meetings for this. The local AA meetings can lead you in the right direction. You should know that you need to take care of your self and not need any one else. I wouldn't focus on any kind of relationship right now I would work on myself and conquering this thing!! If you don't it will just get worse and you will end up miserable.Be proud of yourself and who you are for yourself and no one else!!

Answer 9

Mr Wayne you could not expressed it any better then i could had and You saved me the trouble of telling her
the problem // with her, is that she is one of those
None Characters drinking the wine of the High Priests
in the Cellar . no excuse for such Disrespect,,
she just jumped from the Pan into the Fire of true abandonment
Forgive her trespassing She just chocked on the adults...
the Hostesses..

Answer 10

You have got to learn to trust people. We have all been left 1 time or another just remember to trust and dont forget that if they leave you its not going to kill you thats the worst that could happen you need to talk to someone smarter that me about this. But lighten up .