A month ago I married a man with a four year old son (let's call him Johnny - not his real name). I began dating him when Johnny was 1.5 years old. I am very happily married and am completely in love with not only my husband, but also his son. He has custody of Johnny every other weekend and every Wednesday. Since we met I have gradually slipped into a "mommy" role when we have him. I do for/with Johnny all the things that a mother would do/be. I care for him the way I would care for my own child. My husband and I act as a two parent team, depending on eachother when Johhny is here. I feel that I am also raising his child along side him.
We recently had a heated argument about Johnny. I felt hurt when he said that the only people raising him were he and his ex-wife. Am I wrong for feeling like a parent? He is so comfortable with me doing the motherly duties, but claims that who I am will not impact Johnny's life. I guess I feel hut and underappreciated. Am I wrong?
2007-10-21 07:37:53 · 18 answers · asked by C.A.S. 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No your not wrong for caring about the child if its your husband's. At least your not the stepmother from hell who doesnt care or who treats the child like crap... tell your husband exactly how you feel because if it keeps happening then ya'll are going to end up having problems.
2007-10-21 07:44:09 · answer #1 · answered by !~!ASHLEY!~! 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
i'm a stepparent too and yes,you are a parent but there are circumstances that negate your authority in the parent role legally and in the home too.you cannot be the main disciplinarian as the child does not see you as the real parent and it's the real parents' responsibility to do this which protects you from being in the middle if there is a problem.no matter how hard you try to be like the real parent,you can't discipline for the sake of the child.i found that out the hard way.i also have no legal right to get medical care for the child without the direct consent of the parent in case of emergency.you may have to contact your state laws regarding this.stepparents often get left out of the raising aspect of parenting because we're not the legal guardians.if you have a good relationship with the stepchild,it does impact his life-either way!it can't help but make a difference!
2007-10-21 10:06:43 · answer #2 · answered by bratt 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you are not wrong.. not even almost. Your husband is the one who is wrong, and very much out of line with what he said. When the two of you married, you became a parental figure in the young boys life as well. And yes, your role in "Johnny's" life will absolute make a strong impact on him. Don't let your husband make you feel like you're not an important figure in the child's life. You are just as important as he and his ex-wife are.
By the way, I think it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with the little boy. Just keep on doing that you're doing, and ignore your husband's childish remarks. You are important, and "johnny" knows it.
2007-10-21 08:11:43 · answer #3 · answered by arkiegirl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
no u are not wrong. your hubby was angry and hurt your feelings by striking out. he should regret this already. however he is wrong.. because you cannot help but have an affect on a child ..good or bad.... when you spend so much time with him/her. and children are not stupid.. they know when someone really loves them. hmmmm johnny sees you the same as his dad.. so will he not have an impact either,? it is sad..too.. becuz if you just say the heck with it.. and stop all these attention. it would only hurt the child. your husband can not have you play mom only when it benefits him,. that is wrong. what is relationship with johnny's biological mom.? does she express any interest one way or another in your interaction with johnny? i would talk with hubby once things cool off... and let him know he was out of line.. and maybe some new rules should be made.
2007-10-21 07:52:18 · answer #4 · answered by foosieboy1953 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all, let me state that I had a step-parent. Second, let me tell that I believe your husband is a boob (no offense intended). My birth father was recently diagnosed with Asperger's. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is high functioning autism. That means I spent the early part of my life (until 9) with a man who never so much as spoke with me, and who could teach me nothing of social interaction. The last half of my adolescent years was spent with a step-father who was, despite other failings, outgoing and friendly. If it was not for him, I would have had no foundation to interact socially with others, and I would not be the man I am now. Instead I'm a weird combo of the two. I'm gregarious and outgoing, social and friendly, but when relationships become intimate (emotionally, not sexually), I find myself stumbling over my own words and thoughts, unsure of what to say or do. Regardless of what your current husband says, your step-son -WILL- remember you, and will also remember how much you cared for him. Ignore what he says, relax, and watch you son grow up into a strong and confident young man. Good luck!
2007-10-21 08:19:16 · answer #5 · answered by voidedlives 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I have 2 step daughters that are with us every weekend. I definitely feel like a parent to them. I feed them, clothe them, bathe them, handle all of their needs and wants---along with my own son---while they are in our care. The oldest is about to come live full time with us. Their father agrees that I am a parent to them and I would not stand for anything less! You are not a girlfriend or a friend with benefits...your husband chose you to marry, therefore choosing you to be a step mother to his son.
I would be extremely upset at that comment! Who you are while Johnny is with you will definitely impact his life. Maybe you should talk to your husband and let him know how you are feeling. If he still will not see you as what you are - a motherly role in his life - then maybe you need to rethink your future with him. If he won't allow you to impace his son's life how can he expect to allow you to care for his child. That is ridiculous and you have every right to feel hurt!!
2007-10-21 07:54:16 · answer #6 · answered by Tina 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you are wrong for feeling hurt. You are not the parent, but you are contributing to raising Johnny. I always feel this way to some extent as a teacher as well. Its not quite the same, its not as personal, but I would be hurt if someone told me I wasn't contributing to their child's life.
I think you should let him know how you feel. He probably just said it out of anger.
2007-10-21 07:57:00 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, NEVER!!! Legally you are the step parent.If U were to divorce in some states You are also allowed visitation rights. The Omen of step-mother comes from the ex. she should not ever say anything to the child about his Dad.When the child hears these things he will want to defend his father and direct the negative at you.No matter how hard, try to tell the mother how much you Love that child.
2007-10-21 07:51:50 · answer #8 · answered by Dotr 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You're not wrong and to prove your point, you should relinquish all parental care you give Johnny while you have hi for the weekend. Then we'll see what your husband says about you being a parent to him.
2007-10-22 04:59:59 · answer #9 · answered by abrennan01 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are considered a parent and your actions or inactions will effect your step-son. Your husband is just be hurtful and trying to push you out of the way to get his way.
Yes the mother and father should make the majority of the decisions, but they should NOT forget that their decisions will have to followed through with your help.
2007-10-21 07:42:41 · answer #10 · answered by Poppet 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋