ex wife drama how to make it stop?????

Question

ok i'm now engaged to her ex husband and we live together. he has a 4 yr old daughter and she's totally untrained. i have opened my house up to the mother to see where her daughter is spending 3 days a week with us. my dead line is now 10/31/07 after that she's not welcome. i'm sick of her game playing. she won't drop the child off at the house. it's all out of spite. i feel this will put a real toll on our relationship. i feel it now.

the part about the child not being trained is she's almost 5 come jan. 08 you can't get this kid dressed in the morning with out a constant struggle you can't go anywhere with out the child making a scene. i wanted to talk to the mother to see if there were some rules or boundries we could work on together. but, she wants no parts of it. i have raised to kids ages 10 and 18 i have always taken my children everywhere because they were well behaved. i know this is all a learned behavior and i would love to help him correct it. so, when she comes over i don't plan anything out or really do anything just tv at home. this is not fair to my 10yr old. that where stuck in the house. so, i'm sorry if i sound mean or not loving. and his ex-wife wanted to end there relationship so she needs to get over herself..... and our relationship will thrive with or without them

Answer 1

First you should understand that most state and federal laws give NO power to the step-parents. Therefore, it is best to try to discuss these issues with your fiance and see if he can handle his ex-wife. While your intentions sound honorable, it doesn't appear that she is ready, willing, or able to meet you half-way at this point. No matter how immature she is behaving right now, try to rise above it. I would leave it alone and look to your partner for him to step up to the plate, since he is this child's biological parent he is the one legally responsible for all decisions, therefore he needs to help make them and make sure there is propper follow through.

Another solution is Family Court Mediation, where you can (all 3 of you) discuss the issues and try to resolve disputes calmly with a trained professional on hand. This gives a neutral place for everyone involved to feel comfortable and non-threatened.

Finally, don't let the stress bother you, or get to you to the point that it effects your relationship. It sounds like it may be already making an impact. The ex-wife's goal may be to just cause problems for the two of you just because she isn't happy in her own life at the moment. Misery loves company, sort of speak. You can always make plans for you and your 10-year-old to do one-on-one things if your fiance's daughter can not go, then he'll just have some one-on-one time with her as well. There is nothing wrong with that.

Good luck to your whole family, these troubles usually pass with time.

Answer 2

Be very careful here. You don't want any of your feelings for his ex to appear transferred to his daughter. That would be a very bad thing. You need to maintain a polite and civil relationship with his ex. His daughter will notice if there is a lot of chaos and backstabbing going on. I am not sure what you mean by the child is untrained. Do you mean she's not toilet trained? Maybe that is something that you can work on with her while she is at your house. Be the bigger person. Don't lower yourself to her level. Your boyfriend will love you more for it, and, his ex will admire you for it. Even if she won't admit it. And, if you choose the higher ground, you will have a much better relationship with his daughter as time goes by. Don't add to your boyfriend's stress by complaining about something that he really has no control over. If you agree to pick up the child each week, it will show her that her manipulations are not going to cause you grief. Good luck with this.

Answer 3

There is a lot more here than meets the eye.
I am not sure what you mean by "opened my house up".

The comment about the child not being trained makes me wonder if you are expressing those frustrations in your reaction to the ex.

The arrangements for pick up and drop off of a child need to be decided by the parents. If she is not abiding by the parenting plan established in the divorce, that is a legal issue.

You need to set firm boundaries, but so does your fiance.
You don't have to welcome the ex into the house, but you do have to be civil and respectful of her for the child's sake.

Talk to your fiance about this and see if you can hammer out a compromise. He might surprise you and come up with a good alternative plan.

Without more information, I don't know what else to suggest.

Hope this helps
Karen

Answer 4

this woman can only affect your relationship if you let her. i like the deadline thing... once she knows your home is acceptable..etc.. that is enough. if she has any future concerns she can call in an expert. is there no court order or guidelines?. that would make it so much easier. if it is spelled out. usually one parent delivers the child and the other returns. in those orders holidays are spelled out etc. your future hubby should get that taken care..of immediately. also if you let her cause fights between you two.. SHE WINS. do not dog her.. to him. actually act like she does not exist. if you want a sounding board..get a close friend or relative you can TRUST. be the sweet understanding supportive woman for him. although he has to do his part. you are not the childs mom..but you could be a real asset. she sounds like she needs a sensible mom figure. train her... offer your love and attention. she is only four. be a good step mom. and build a relationship. wow three days a week. i bet the ex likes that. though. lol. good luck

Answer 5

What do you mean the daughter is "untrained"? You don't train a child- you train a dog.
Depending on how long they have been divorced, you need to accept that she doesn't want to drop her child off at your house because she is obviously uncomfortable. Have your fiance pick his daughter up at the woman's house or down the road until she is more comfortable with it.
Honestly, if my ex-husband's new fiance was saying my daughter wasn't "trained", I wouldn't even let the fiance be near my daughter because she obviously knows nothing about children- You raise children, not train them.

Answer 6

The tug-of-war will really affect the child in all aspects of life. It seems both sides are using up child to still get the anger out. You may be the third party caught up in this mess.
You were aware of the situation. You should have laid strict set of rules before the engagement - you three adults face to face.
Talk to the father, you two come up with the set of rules of your house, but let him take the lead for the negotiations and implementation, after all it is his X and it is his mess.
Good luck and wish well to the child.

Answer 7

ON that last part you are wrong, your relationship will not thrive if his child is out of his life. Don't kid yourself there.

You married him so you have to take on all his baggage. That was the choice YOU MADE. You can't start complaining now. You are going to have to deal with his ex because she is the mother of his child and you are going to have to learn to truly love his child as if she were your own, treat her well, help raise her..... and still remain nice to her mother through it all for her sake and your husband's sake. So your deadline... stupid idea. She is the child's mother and has every right to be welcomed.... don't forget at one point in life your husband chose her.

IF you can't be supportive of his child, learn to be nice to the ex, learn to always be nice when speaking of the ex around the child then you need to divorce him right now. He has enough drama from his ex and worrying about his kid that he doesn't need anymore from you.

So instead of focusing all this energy on the ex... you should refocus it on what matters... YOUR FAMILY and yes, that includes his child as well. Instead of sitting at home whining about how unfair it is to your child, take his child out and start teaching her how to behave in public. Don't use her as your excuse to not do things.... take on the responsibility you knew was coming when you said I DO.

Best of luck to you, but seriously, if you don't change your attitude your marriage won't last long.

Answer 8

Your fiance comes with a LOT of "baggage." You ONLY have control over YOUR own actions. You can NOT control the
actions of your fiance ... or his ex.

I suggest that you speak with your fiance ... let him know how
you feel ... And hopefully the two of you will be on the "same
page." It will THEN be up to your fiance to let his ex know
what the "rules" will be.

I think that it would be unrealistic of you to think that you can
eliminate the ex from your lives altogether. The ex is the
mother of his child ... a VERY young child I might add. You
need to be prepared for a lot of interaction between the ex
and your family. You have to be willing to adjust to and accept
that the ex will be involved on a regular basis. It is up to
the three of you to make that work ... for the well-being of
the child .... It is up to YOU to decide if you can make the
adjustments or not ... The ex and YOUR fiance's CHILD
are a permanent part of your life with this man ... It is a "package deal" ... Can you deal or NOT???

Answer 9

Well for starters you can't make it stop. I also wouldn't say she isn't welcome, that can cause more issues. Is there a parenting plan on file with the courts, if now I woudl get one and fast.

I understand the ex wife drama seucks, but remember your husband and her have a child together and will always be bonded because of that.

Let your husband deal with her with anything regarding the child. She will get defensive and pissed off if you approach her about anything regarding the child well because you are not the childs mother and she will think you are trying to take her place.

Answer 10

Sorry to have to say this but you need to work it out with her, regardless, for the sake of the 4 yr old child. If the child is 4 yrs old and still untrained that is really bad. Someone in this relationship needs to take the rheins and steer it onto some kind of course. I should think the mother (ex-wife) is jealous of you and is making your life really difficult. I do sympathise honestly; but for the sake of the child I hope you can sort the mother out. Good Luck. What does you fiance say? maybe he can help -if she is really creepy maybe you need some professional outside help.