how do I deal with my husband hating my son?

Question

I have noticed over the years my husband semes to resent my son. He is 13 years old. My husband and I have a son together and he shows favortism to his son rather than my son. Just recently he and my son exchanged words now it semes that my husband is angry at me, we havent spoken since this happened. Im not sure as to what to do. I am afraid this will break us up and in the back of my mind I know this will get much worse before it gets better. As my son gets older he will start resenting me for not sticking up for him...! please help. I dont know what I should do.

I can say that in the begining my son and my husband were inseprable, and I felt he loved my son more than me, 5 years ago we had our son and my child was ok with it, then as my second son got older thats when the problem started. my son goes with his father in the summers and spends the whole summer with his dad, I can say thay my sons father is a great dad and he cherishes his son. I have been going to counceling with my 2 boys but my husband is on the road alot, like all week long. and we have been working on communication between my boys and I. Its just hard to see some of the things said to my son, just last night was the last straw for me and my son. my son felt left out and my husband was yelling at him. I have to say that there are times my husband shows interest in my son but not as much as he does with our son. I understand my youngest is my husbands first but in the same sence my son is my first and I wont give him up for anything. If it came down to it my son knows he wins!

Answer 1

this is a very touchy subject and should be handled with care....as i am sure you are aware. i had this problem with my stepmother groing up, and my father always stood by and did nothing, she and i got into fist fights, not just words. and what makes it worse is that i never did anything to deserve it....i was in alot of emotional pain and i still have issues till this day with my srepmother and my father....let me start my answer by saying. ITS NOT OK TO STAND BY AND DO NOTHING....you should love your son as much as you love the son you have together....therefore you should make sure they have the same love and oportunities in life. now if your husband is having trouble relating to the boy, then maybe he needs to be an adult and start doing quality time things with him to build a relationship....and not yell at him or judge him, your son most likely is uncomfortable with your husband because he fills the father role in the house, and maybe he has loyaly issues about his own father....perhaps you need to talk with your son and find out his points, let him talk and get it out....then, talk to your husband, tell him what you have found out, without betraying your sons confidence of course, and try to resolve it. it wont get better on its own, it only gets worse, your son is going through emotional changes right now, puberty does that...so yes, he might be a little over emotional or he might grow balls and have words with your husband, but clearly he is threatened by your husband in some way, as for your husband, he cant be all that bad if you are still with him....but, if its comming down to thoughts of breaking up, then maybe he doesnt want to bond with your son, maybe he is a jerk who has been in it for the wrong reasons, but just remember this, when you are old and gray and your husbands gone, who do you have left in the world? your kids....and if you hope to have someone by your side, then always choose your child first....remember he is 13, he relies upon you to make good choices for him right now....dont keep him in a bad situation, i turned out ok. but me and my father havent seen each other in years, we talk on the phone for 10 minutes a month...but thats about it....you dont want this. its painful for everyone involved. and perhaps you could try a family councelor, its hard to find one you like, but if its worth it, its worth the struggle. however it doesnt sound like your husband would be up for that....

Answer 2

first of all, you and your husband are the mature adults who need to be creating a safe haven for both your children. Your husband needs to realize this. As long as you are the sole disiplinarian of your son, then your son and husband should be able to live together peacefully. Obviously, your husband will need to work harder at this than your son, because your son is only a child. I know for some people, it's not feasable, but I would highly recommend family counseling. Everyone in the family needs to know and feel that the others are working hard to make everyone feel comfortable in the home. Although it may take time and money, a warm and happy home is the most important thing, especially for a child. Remember that it's never going to be perfect, but it can be better! Good luck!

Answer 3

It is not a win or lose situation. Your son is your child and in my book comes before your husband. You need to tell your husband that YOUR son is as much a part of the family as your second son and he will be treated as such period. If your husband doesn't like it then maybe he should leave the home for awhile until he can get over his resentment of your son. Obviously your husband is trying to control you, don't allow him to.

Answer 4

I was in a similar situation a few years back. With our oldest daughter. She is his daughter and mine....but he was constantly on her case about everything. There was nothing the child could do that was right. She was 15 at the time. After listening to his foolishness long enough I did something about it. We are out childrens MOTHERS we are their protectors, they depend on US to look after them. I know your situation is different this is YOUR son and not his. Regardless. I would never let any man father to my child or not treat my child like crap. Sounds to me like your spouse has a history of treating your son badly. I WOULD NOT PUT UP WITH IT. Since you say it's gonna get worse before it gets better. I hope it doesn't. Your husband is an adult. Tell him to grow up!!! I'd rather have a husband angry with me than have my child resent me for not sticking up for them.
When I blew my stack and told my spouse I wouldn't tolerate his bull anymore he got pissed off, said I was taking our daughters side. Well hell yes I was. He was wrong and I made darn sure he knew how wrong he was. I wish you the best of luck. It's a very sticky situation sort of damn if you do damn if you don't. Hubby's an adult he'll just have to deal with it....your son is more important.

Answer 5

You need to tell your husband that his treatment towards your son is unacceptable.Before you could play any other role in life you have to be a mother first.I dont think that your husband should have any right to treat your son bad.You should stick up for your son and be careful not to leave your husband and son alone for long periods of time.Maybe your son is in a way protecting you.If your husband were to continue to treat your son bad I would get a divorce.If your husband loves you he would love your son and not hurt him.Most importantly,I would sit down with your son and tell him, "whenever you have a question or problem come and talk to me privately" and reassure your son that you will protect him and that you are going to make sure that step dad does not treat him bad.And you are right about your son holding it against you if you do not stick up for him now,in the future it will come back to haunt you.

Answer 6

My mother married another man at about when I was 11 , I am now 37 and we still don't talk or have a relationship , due to this man really didn't care for me either in terms. My step father gave up his parental rights to his own boy about my same age after my mother and him got married. This just totally crash my step father due to his little boy was a sports nut, and well I was totally not into sports. Now at my current age I have a 13 year old boy and 11 year old daughter .. I remember growing up to good times with this man, but the bad were just as numbered...
Thing is the man used to tell me I would end up like my brothers allot when I was young, and I hated that, Now mind you one of my brothers is dead, and the other just got over spending 20 years of his life as a guest of the state, and got to move into my dead brothers 100k home in a really nice area. Now looking back to "I wanna end up like my brothers" I cannot choose what one I wanna be like ... Since I'm fighting a foreclosure, bankruptcy and total financial loss..but still to this day, these people whom are supposed to be family are more worried about past events and the size of their pocketbooks..
I am sure if you all sit down and look at this in an adult manner, things can be resolved .

also mind you my real father lives in PA with a very nice home and hasn't contacted me in over 20 years..and I tried to make contact, some people are just crude...

Answer 7

I have a son and a new husband and it is a very tough thing to deal with when they dont get along like you wish. I have an advantage though because he goes to his fathers house every weekend so we get to spend quality adult time. without that break I dont think we would have made it through the first year of marriage. He also has kids and when they were younger before we got married they did all they could to make sure we didnt get along . Kids will be kids. and l3 is a very tough age. You need to make sure your son is okay. puberty is hard enough without parental support. good luck

Answer 8

Get some outside help without delay. At 13 you boy is going to go through that "Stage" and he needs every but of parental support he can get. Find the cause of this anger. Get to the bottom of it and BOT of you must wor to overcome this problem.
You other choice - let you son go to Grandma'es with frequent visits form you, his caring mom. OR let him go with is Father - assuming he is alive and can support the boy. this is a critical time for this boy and he needs care and stability as he becomes a man and has to deal with a whole new set of emotions, physical changes and growing need to make decisions fro his future.
When peole have babies to they every thing of what they are doing to themselves and to the children who have no say in this process. they are born and have to deal with whatever situation they are FORCED to live in.
Have a real talk wiht your current husband. talk you your Ex and see what he can do (If he can) but get it straight really soon.

Answer 9

first of all whatever your son did the husband should have brought it to you and you bring it to your son. your husband probably feels that you never say anything to your son, when it should be only you making those corrections. as for your son, you may want to let him know how unacceptable it is to disrespect an adult. as for your husband he should know that when you came into a relationship that you were a package deal and if he did not like the package he should not have accepted it. good luck to you and your family

Answer 10

Divorce him! Its only a topic of time till your son developes the want to strike again at him and harm him. Or whilst your son does transfer out on his possess you can also certainly not listen from him once more. I grew up in a residence wherein I used to be uncared for and will certainly not forgive my father for the way in which I used to be mistreated. My mom very deeply regrets certainly not divorcing my father. If she would do matters over, she might have divorced him after which determined a role and made it on her possess. You could desire to recollect a divorce!