"Are you a mature adult if so can you please give me so advice"?

Question

Hello
Me and my husband have been married for a little over a year now...My husband is in the military..While, he was away on tour everything seemed to be perfect..When he first, came home we had already been married for 7 months without seeing each other..Things where good...The sad part is that he is stationed across seas, so thats what keeps us apart..He promised that I would be coming with him..But it's been 8 months now and I still haven't madeit there yet...He said, our paper work will not go through..For all different type of reasons...Even though everything is find with me and they shouldn't have any reason to hold us back from not coming..However, he's been over sea's by himself...And the man that I married seems to not exsist anymore. I mean he calls...Every now and then but mostly I call him... He seems so distant and distracted..But in the next breath will tell me how he needs his wife and wants to keep his family....

As far as finances for his family...He use to take good care of us but lately he has not did anything..He actually took 300 dollars out our account..But only my money was in there..He said, he was going to send it back and then some..This was a few days ago..But he has not did so yet..And my apartment complex is about to put me out..I'm home waiting on my husband..Waiting to come to where ever he's at..Going through so much..And I don't know what to do or where to start...

Answer 1

I've never been in the military, but I imagine our soldiers go through a lot. Don't take it personally.It's not you, it's the stress of the job. If he says he still loves you, take it at face value for now until her tells you otherwise.

Answer 2

I know you don't want to hear this, but your husband has found something else to attract his attention. The fact that he seems distant when you speak, and especially that he has taken money out of your account indicates that he has someone else he is taking care of. A soldier has no reason to require more money from home, as his basic needs are taken care of by the military. You need to speak to someone in the military. Each branch has a person called an "ombudsman", which is a civilian person who handles problems between the military and the civilian spouse. You can go to the military offices of wherever he originally was stationed (or call if you are not close by). Do not hesitate much longer - you need to put a stop to him taking money away from your family and there are people in the military who can help you. Soliders are NOT allowed to shirk their responsibilities with family. Good Luck - please don't wait.

Answer 3

I've been married to a Marine for almost 20 years. We're retired now, I have to say that if he's overseas, and his orders were just for him, (called an unaccompanied tour) then you will have a hard time getting there. Especially if you have children that are not his and from a previous relationship. Did he legally adopt them? Was he previously married? Does he pay child support somewhere else? If he's not meeting his financial obligations you can contact his command. BUT I caution that you only use this as a last resort. It will make him angry and if they take money away from him as a punishment, it will affect you and your family as well. I would tell him straight that he needs to step up to the plate and handle his financial business or you can go to Family Services or JAG office (every military base has one) or contact his command Sgt Major. (that's what they call it in the Marines, every branch has a different title). I've seen it all too often, military guy goes overseas, finds someone new, or gets wrapped up in gambling, etc and neglect their family. Best of luck.

Answer 4

Was he in the military when you married him? This is an issue in all marriages to military men and women. I can vouch for him and say that the military is very, very, very slow at making things happen. Unless, it benefits them. I know first hand because I went through it with my family. If you meant what you said when you recited your vows, then you will see this through. I honestly hate that you are in this position. I wouldn;t wish it on anyone. He exists but for now most of his existence is in your heart. Remember, you may be apart, but at least you are at home in your own country. He is sleeping in a temporary bed in a foreign country. Things aren't easy for him either. I promise. That is why he is distant and distracted. He, too, is feeling the pressure of being away so long. Hang in there. You will not believe how amazing the feeling is going to be when you are reunited permanently.

Answer 5

For a moment we set aside the fact that he's in the military overseas, and look at him as any other regular family guy.

I'm sure you have your reasons to be frustrated. I think it's the overall lack of that connection and spark you see missing that's driving you upset.

I'm sure the military will consider it if he went and asked them that he would like to take some time off to visit the family in distress. Try and ask him if he can take a week or two off to visit you or have you visit him there right away. Tell him how you feel and see if he is willing to step up and say "she's my wife, this is our life, and I need to prioritize my life more than any work that I do".

Be reasonable. Give him a week to talk to his supervisors. Give him another week to make arrangements. But if nothing changes in two weeks and things remain the same, you have every reason to be upset.

Good luck :-)

Answer 6

You have your hands full.
Its hard to have a marriage oceans apart.
You may want to stop waiting for him to get his act together and start making the moves you need to make to get your life going the way you need it to go.
I don't know if you are working or in school, but I do know there is all kinds of help for education, training, and assistance so you can keep your apartment and get your life on track.
For one, when he is home, do not get pregnant.

He should not have left you in the position to lose your apartment. Get a bank account of your own and put your money in it from now on so you know you can pay your bills. Don't wait for the next time he takes money that goes towards living.
It does not sound like you guys have a marriage here at all. It sounds like he has run amuck and is keeping you there for alternate plan B

You have to tell him that this is not working for you at all. Contact the military and find out why you are not getting moved as expected and why you don't have money to pay your bills. They usually will step in and change that so at least you don't have to worry about the basics while you figure out what to do.

You can continue to work through what is going on to a solution, but he has to get in the game for you to be able to do that. Marriage takes some serious team-work and problem-solving skills, along with a ton of honesty. You need the rent money. Ask him what he plans to do about that. You need to have a husband who lets you know you are his biggest priority in life and his best friend. Is he in this marriage or does he want out? He has to tell you where he is at without guilt, without lying so that you know if this is a marriage problem or a divorce issue.

You can't do a lot about what he says does or doesn't do, but you can take steps to take control over your own life. I would not suggest waiting around for him to decide your happiness.

Stop calling him. Tell him he is either in this marriage with all he's got or he is not and that it is up to him, but you have no intentions of living this way. Then back it up with action.

Get some free counseling/support in your area or from the military to help you put things in perspective and come up with a better plan. Right now it seems you are a leaf in the wind without your own life path, goals, plans and future. It starts with you being happy in you and your life and then comes into a marriage when you are both happy people glad to be together and working toward mutual and personal goals.

I can't tell you what to do here, but I can tell you that letting his behavior dictate your feelings and your life is not going to fly. Get a plan to deal with the biggest issues, bring the plan to him and get his input. Negotiate, strategize, be best friends. If none of that is happening and is not going t happen, your marriage is nothing but paper. Paper wouldn't be enough for me. I doubt it is for you either.

Answer 7

Ask your husband what exactly is keeping you from joining him .Find out what paper work needs to be done or approved.Than tell your husband that you are going to ask your local congressman for an investigation on why the army is interfering with keeping a family together. Your congressman will be happy to help.
Personally I think that your husband is lying to you .I think that something is going on.I also think that when you tell him about a Congressional investigation he will tell you the truth. Be prepared for the worst.Good luck.

Answer 8

I'd say give him a lot of compassion until it came to him taking $300 out of the joint account of which he hasn't contributed to in a while. And now you are about to be evicted? I'd first get my own account to pay my bills from. You've got to take care of you right now, you have to live and you can't do that if someone is taking $$ from those funds.

Answer 9

it seems like you knew he was in the military before you guys got married or he at least told you his intentions of being in the military. you decided to get married anyways even with all that can happen to someone in the military. you have to stay with him in the bad times because that is part of marriage. i would try to find a local or online support group for military wives. their support and answers will be more beneficial.

Answer 10

"I'm home waiting on my husband" - dear lady, you are living in the 21st century, not the middle ages. Instead of waiting on your husband, go get a job and stop worrying about finances.
As for your question - I think you shouldn't give up yet. Call him, write letters, don't lose contact.