Do I check it????

Question

My husband is sleeping. The women who I think he is having an emotional affair with has just texted him three times. Do I violate his privacy and read the messages? He has caught me snooping before and it causes big fights. He deletes his textes and phones to and from her so I can't see them. According to his cell phone bill online they text and talk constantly. What do I do? Please help, I'm going crazy..

I'm in this marriage because I love him and he is a great man and father. I just started getting suspicious about this person. They say they are just friends. I don't have any concrete proof that something is truely going on and since he is my husband I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I just have his cell phone records. We are going to go to marital counseling this wednesday to try to work out our problems. This is why I am in this marriage.

Answer 1

I suggest that you do read them, gather your evidence and then confront him. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it, unless you are willing to continue to live like this. Most likely, there is more to his affair than you think.

Of coarse he gets angry and starts a fight, he has things to cover up. Denial is big with a cheater. You have the right to protect yourself as he is placing you at risk with his behavior.

Demand he end contact with her if he wants to stay in the marriage. It's cruel to you for him to treat you this way. Odds are he is lying to this other woman also.

Get a counselor that is certified in couples counseling. Find a support group for infidelity.

Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

Answer 2

The proof is in the pudding. The reason he gets so mad is because he is hiding something. Take it from me if this relationship is so secretive then there is something going on. Play your trump card! Tell him you want to meet this friend face to face and see how he complies. Find out what they are talking about first, then pull the ole let's all have dinner trick and see what he have to say. I know my husband did the same thing and I busted his a**. Talking on the cell at work to this woman 7 times a day. When I found out the whole truth, I gave him a choice me or her. He chose me, and he had to confront her in front of me and tell her the relationship is over. Thank God for computers, and cell phone bills they have a way of telling off the truth.

Answer 3

Don't go crazy. He either decides he's in the marriage and ends the B.S. or you walk. It is that simple. Stop the drama. This is your life. Checking on him, worrying, fighting and all that is a total waste of time. What is it that you want? What does he want? Why are you waiting around for him to do the right thing? Stop the drama and take action. Get your life the way you want to live it. If you don't mind him cheating, then drop it and be happy. If you would rather be his top priority, then tell him you are over his crap and will be moving on. Who needs this?

Either you two are a team building your life and best friends or there is no marriage. What's the point?

Answer 4

Here's an easy way to see if they really are "just friends"..

Respond to the messages she sent him. Make sure she knows it's you, and not him. Tell her your husband is asleep, and ask her if she needed something specific, or could it wait until he wakes up. Then, when your husband wakes up.. tell him (calmy and casually) about it, and see how he reacts. If he gets all "Why dont you trust me?!" about it.. then you definately have something to worry about with those two. Hopefully not though.. but either way, I think you have not only the right to read the messages, but to respond as well.

Also, there is no reason for a married man to be "constantly" texting and calling another female.. I don't care how good of a "friend" she is. You're his wife.. and you should always come first.

Answer 5

There's no need to check it in a snooping way. I read all of my husband's text messages just to see what's going on with our friends, and he could care less. If he's married to you, he shouldn't care what you see or what you know. It's time to put a stop to the behavior that is hurting your marriage. You don't need proof; the fact that their relationship makes you uncomfortable is enough of a reason for your husband to end it.

Answer 6

I might be different from you, but heck yes I would read the messages and see exactly what's going on. Darn straight there would some fights and it would be me that would be mad!

My husband's ex girlfriend kept contacting him for years and finally I called her number (hoping to talk to her husband) but got the answering machine and I left a message. Said something like, "even though she only considers you a public servant, I would hope that you can stop her from contacting my husband and start being a decent wife and mother:" We never heard from her again.

Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and put a stop to the nonsense that can negatively effect your life.

Answer 7

You don't have to check -- according to his cell phone bill online they text and talk constantly.

You already know the answer to the question. Don't violate his privacy and give him reason to be angry with you -- because you know that will happen, right? If you use that evidence against him, he will turn it around onto you because you violated his privacy.

Answer 8

Look at the thing already! i personally think that if you have to snoop to find out the truth than so be it! if you see it in the online bill and know that he is deleting it from his phone than there is obviously something he is hiding from you and you deserve to know! you are his wife and you deserve a good marraige...would you rather wait around for him to become a good husband and stop cheating on you, when most likely it wont happen since he is doing things like this....figure it out and make your decision....you owe it to yourself, and your kids if you have any with him!

Answer 9

Your marriage is in major trouble. But you already know everything you need to know-- violating his privacy isn't necessary, and it will let him change the topic of conversation from what it should be, which is his ongoing infidelity.

It's time for him to make a choice-- he should either break things off with her and get to work on the marriage, or he should get out.

Answer 10

i wouldn't be able to control myself i would have to check it! if he is erasing the text messages then he is hidding something , and if he gets mad that you look at them tell him if there is nothing to hide what is he mad at he needs to put himself in your shoes what if it was the other way around and a guy kept texting and calling you. its good that you are starting counseling hope it helps affairs don't start by walking by someone in the grocery store and saying wanna have sex they start by talking and getting to know someone so keep an eye open for changes in his habits and behavior