Get out or stay?

Question

In a relationship with boyfriend. He promises he will move in with you if you move somewhere else as current place isn't big enough. You find a house (you are 7 month pregnant with his baby) you pay the deposit etc and begin to move in, he changes his mind as he says his exams at xmas are more important right now than me & baby. He says he'll maybe move in after exams. Exams are 5-6 weeks away, baby is due in 10 weeks. I love him to bits but feel being put at 2nd priority now to exams does not bode well for future. I'm wondering now if this relationship really has any future.

WEll I've ended it, we are not kids, I am 36, he's 28 I have four teenage kids and I'm sick of his childish games. He cheated on me three months into our relationship and I should have the ditched the loser then. He comes to my house, lolls around, never takes me anywhere, eats my food, watches footie and even when we have to go to the pub to watch footie on sky he makes me pay for the drinks! In all our time together he has only ever took me out twice and once was our first date, 2nd was a sunday lunch and he ordered me the wrong food. He cam elast night and we discussed things and he waqs adamant he was not moving in, then later he said he w3asn't prepared to be reponsible for me and my four kids- I never asked him for that, I asked him to live together so we could spend time together. he said he's not prepared to give us his single life at moment! I said you shulod have thought about that before you asked me to marry you ( no ring, 7 months down the line!) and planned a child.

I swore aftre my divorce I would never get married, never lie in bed night after night again crying into my pillow and this guy did it to me slowly but surely. He was wonderful to start with but gradually wore me away. I'm a size 14, haven't put any weight on with this pregnancy yet he comments about my 'stomach' and weight-a control thing I'm sure. I am not short of male attention and have 2 guys who want to date even though I'm 7 month pregnant! but I'm a faithful kinda girl. I realised though last night I would always be miserable trying to please this guy and ya know what I and my child don't need him. Everything in this pregnancy I have done alone, antenatals, scans, buying for baby so why stop now...his loss...even with children there will be someone out there who appreciates me and knows how to treat a real lady. This guy though I love him to bits is not worthy of me and one day he may see that but at that time it will be too late. Life is too short to be wasted.

Answer 1

Out. Listen to yourself.

Answer 2

I can see why you would have so many doubts - you are so vulnerable when pregnant and really need support. However, your bf is right to concentrate on one thing at a time. He has exams coming up and they are scheduled to happen before the baby. After that, he should be organised enough and that is the time to see where his heart really lies. At the present time, I wouldn't contact him too much and make sure that you have birthing arrangements which don't include him (should that be necessary). He may well be having cold feet but at some point he is going to have to tell you what is going on. Right now, he is under a considerable amount of stress and so give him the benefit of the doubt at the moment. The day after his exams are over, sit him down and ask him. Good luck whatever happens.

Answer 3

I am so happy I taught my boys to use protection and not get any girl pregnant by accident. It prevents this kind of problem.

First of all, did YOU think the place was big enough for 3??? Or did you simply acquiesce to his demand that you move ???

Secondly, with him NOT living with you, CAN YOU AFFORD to continue to live at the new house? Are you renting, on a lease, or buying? You didn't say.

If you cannot afford it without him sharing expenses, then move back to a smaller place as quickly as possible.

To some extent, how distressed I'd be would depend on which exams. If it's the usual semester exams, I'd probably be more distressed, as those will come up routinely and he'd be likely to put you off on a regular basis for commitments he chooses to break. So, like you, I see reason for concern about the future of this relationship.

When you're in late pregnancy, your emotions tend to swing a lot, so I think I'd try a "wait and see" attitude.

He required a commitment of you. You met it. He reneged!

His next offer isn't even a full commitment... it's a "maybe".
Let him study and work hard for his exams. Try to not pressure him during this time.

After exams, see what he offers or doesn't offer. See what he does. Does he move in with you or find new excuses? Since he'll no longer be under stress of upcoming exams, THEN, if he gives you excuses, tell him you are unhappy to be given such low priority in his life, and that he's not met his original commitment to you. Don't rage or make nasty statements... just tell him "this is how I feel". Don't tell him what to do. Wait and see what he chooses to do.

When the baby comes, see if he comes to support you in the hospital or not. See if he visits you and the baby in the hospital after birth. See if he visits you once you're home with the baby.

If he shows a pattern of not moving in as promised (already done) and not moving in after exams, and not giving you good answers when you tell him how you feel about being 2nd priority after exams are over, and not supporting you in the hospital, or when you come home from the hospital, then you know he's not mature enough to make a commitment to the relationship and to his child and at that point, I'd say "let him go".

At this point in time, I'd say that noone can make your decision for you. But, with his exams and your current emotional swings, waiting to see if he develops a pattern of behavior might be best. He might be unreliable, or ... he might just be having a temporary case of cold feet and/or fear of conflict between time allotted to you and time allotted to the studies.

I see your valid reasons for concern, but maybe it's too early to make a decision. And it is a big decision...

Final reminder: If he doesn't keep his commitments to you, don't forget that he's legally responsible to support his child, and no matter what, to be a good mother you will have to get a court decree and make sure he pays child support. It is his child; it is his responsibility, even if he chooses to not live with you and the baby.

Answer 4

hey
first of all congratulations about the baby on the way!!
no person on the internet can make a descision like that for you. it is something you have to choose. all we can do is try to understand the situation you are in at the moment and help you as best as we can. if you love this person then there is no reason why you should drop him because he is stressed with exams. when the exams are over maybe he will act differently. loved onse forgive and forget! every person as a chance to find true love and it is up to you to decide if this is yours!? there is definetly a future ahead no matter if
you leave/he leaves or not. you will be the mother of his child and therefore you will anyway be bonded together somehow. you must think carefully and not let anyone influence your choice. your brain and your heart will go beyond any yahoo answer site. only you know wheather he is the right one for you or not. maybe it seems like he pays more attention to his exams at the moment but if he loves you like it sounds like you love him then you come 1st. love is hard but nothing impossible!
today, tomorrow, forever

wish you all the best

Answer 5

I would move on for now. File for child support too.

Sounds like you are with an immature child. Gosh, exams are more important? You don't put family second. This man is definitely got a problem brewing.

I would lay it on the line. Tell him to grow up and pay up. He thinks he can still play the field. This is a family he has started.

You have a problem, you are right. Now be tough and see what happens. Prepare for the worst. Maybe he will straighten up. It may take him some time.

Answer 6

I understand you are pregnant and his girlfriend...but you need to realize that in order for a future he must be financially secure, in order to do that he needs to complete his degree in school , which includes exams. I am a student right now and also work. I hardly see my boyfriend and it sux for both of us but he understands im busy as do i about his schedule. you have to lighten up a little if he needs time fo rhtese exams give it to him! he will move in eventually..i know you probably wanted to hear " oh he is being selfish!" but in reality you are! again i undertand the pregnancy thing but he will be there for you and the baby, but the more you demand it the more he will pull away, just like any other guy om this planet!

Answer 7

The relationship HAS to have a future now as there is a baby involved. Whether you are seperate or together. I think it's best to try and work things out...he's probably just getting nervous about being a father and when the babies born, he'll come around.

Good luck.

Answer 8

personally, i would get out. He doesn't sound very committed to you or your baby. Why will he only maybe move him? Would assume that he's either wanting to break up with you, but he feels bad because of the baby or he's just getting cold feet about the baby. Maybe he's realised what a commitment it will be. You both need to sort things out before the baby gets here, because tiredness will only make you more irritable, therefore making you more argumentative. Hope things work out.

Answer 9

honey he should be begging you to move in with him. sounds like you are trying to force a committment from him he absolutely does not in capital letters want. he does not want you. or the baby. good thing you wrote now, because he does not want you. is he freaked out about this baby, you arent married, is his family upset? see, you are all alone in this. your boyfriend is trying to put distance, you are insisting you move in together and then YOU ( big big big red flag) are doing all the work moving and putting YOUR money down on this place, 7 months along and you are packing and moving at a time when if you were with someone who actually cared about you he would not let you lift a thing, and whew!!! in the nick of time he suddenly remembered he has exams!!!! he does not want confrontation or fighting with you, he just does not want you, so he is the kind of person who makes up excuses. it is called " passive aggresive" and because he is not being truthful with you and is just plodding along letting you do all the work while he continues making up excuses that get him out of doing things he does not want to do, you are confused about what is going on, and hope against hope he will be with you and this baby. it is NOT going to happen,. there will be excuses after the baby too.

because i dont know you but i know a lot of other things, i am telling you with no nonsense straight up, dear, he does not want you. and i say this with urgency, cause if he has exams, it means he is really really young, maybe early 20s?

by getting pregant to a boyfriend you have done something that obligates you, but not him. and he will not commit or obligate himself to you. and because you have not had this baby, and sound all alone you still have time to consider adoption.

where is your family in all this??? i would seriously consider giving this baby up for adoption. discuss this with him and your family. you are going to be in this all alone. oh, sure, , people say child support, but he doesnt have a job and is in school. he is not going to magically come up with money for you to raise this child. this will end up being on you alone.

you said it yourself and i want to help you cut thru this, he does not want you. period. you need for the next two months to take excellent care of yourself, eat good protein, and understand that if you have to run after someone like you are doing, there is no future. consider adoption. he is not going to want you. period. it is not going to change after the baby and after the exams.

i say this urgently because, dear, you have to face reality.

Answer 10

The guy is dragging his feet.
You must sit down with him and find out what is really going on, you have to just get on with things, sounds like you are doing everything, is this the way it's going to be.
He needs a wake up call and face up to some of responsibility, even if you aren't together.
His actions should be telling you a lot, think back to things and work out what you want and how your going to carry on. good luck..

Answer 11

The fact that he is putting his exams before his baby is a major concern, the baby should be his first concern.

Sounds like he isn't going to move in at all, in which case you need to ensure he is paying his share of the cost of the baby.

If I had to make a choice I would say it isn't going to last.