Girls ... about marriage these days?

Question

If your future husband hasn't enough money do you agree to get married without the white dress and wedding party?

Which is more important for you, Shabka or Mahr ? please give a reason for your choice.

Married ladies or non-Egyptians also welcomed to answer.

Mahr is an amount of money to be paid for the bride. It can be very little amount to any amount. It's encouraged by Islam but not a certain amount.

Shabka is gold or jewels to be used by the bride. It's only from traditions.

Answer 1

I have been married to an Egyptian man for 3 years now. We met 5 years ago & became very good friends, still are & this is very important in a marriage.

I am English & for me the traditional wedding with the white dress etc., was always a dream & the diamond engagement ring too. Having said that i realised that the person i would marry & spend the rest of my life with would be more important to me than these things. I did have the white dress & a very nice wedding party, the ring & other items of jewellery have come later.

I read Little Egyptian Princesses posting(now my mums avatar)again this brought a tear to my eye & a lump to my throat, maybe my feeling too were similar to that of her late mother in as much as "it's not the thrills & fancies that matter it is the person(s) themselves.
My husband has shown me total love, respect & support throughout the years i have known him. He is not a millionaire, we get by on our love & understanding of each other, we work hard together @ our marriage & our business that we have here, this is worth more than any possession or material thing.

Answer 2

If the future husband hasn't enough money but I am convinced that he is the right man, I accept to get married without the white dress( although in our family the bride not the groom buys the dress). The wedding party is not important to me at all. Shabka can be symbolic and mahr can be symbolic too. The mahr is more important to me since it will help to buy what is needed.
To tell you the truth I am surprised that many newly weds want everything to be perfect while non of them paid anything. The poor parents provide everything in an artificial way. They act as if they own millions. Why do they spend so much for a party that lasts hours and pay so much for loud music that everybody complains about. Artists lead all guests invited in a strange way as if they themselves have paid the expenses.
Moreover the new couple furnish their houses with ultra lux furniture much better than their parents. Why do not they think that it would be nice to grow together and advance together?
My answer is that in case my family and I are convinced of the groom and he has no money I can go without all the rituals that accompany marriage.

Answer 3

Look, no girl will accept to get married without a white dress and a wedding party no matter how poor the groom is. I personally would have had a problem with that. The dress and wedding have such a special feeling and it is just a once in a lifetime thing so u can't let go of that. Shabka or dowry might not be as important, but they are still a significant part of marriage cuz some ppl care abt how they look in front of friends and relatives adn think that such things make their daughters gain respect and be valued.
If the groom is kind of poor, things can be arranged to fit the groom's budget. for example, if there is a wedding party that costs up to 10,000 le and another that is around 5,000 le or less, they can choose the cheapest that cud fit their needs. Instead of having the wedding party at a famous club and pay an arm and a leg, they can do it at home or anywhere less costy. As for the shabka "gold" and mahr, they dont have to be sky high. a gold band and a ring wud do.
For me personally, it wouldn't have been a huge deal if my groom was poor. I would try to manage and live on his budget "la tokalaf nafson ella wis3aha" and maybe rent a wedding dress. However, in my wedding, I strongly refused to rent a wedding dress and bought a brand new one, but that's because my husband was well off alhamdulilah so I didnt have to go through that. If I was put in a situation where my husband was not gonna be able to afford buying me a new dress, I would have SADLY gone for a rented one...
hope u get my point, sorry I'm talking to my mom at the same time so im kinda disturbed but I had to finish this :D

Answer 4

I am non-Egyptian, never married but in love with an Egyptian boy.

I think all girls think about the wedding day, with a white dress and the marriage ceremony.

About the white dress.... well, I don't care if it is an expensive dress or a very simple white dress, but sure I would like that the dress would be "white".

About the wedding party.... if we don't have money for a wedding celebration or party...... a dinner with habibi and his parents and my parents would be ok for me and I am sure it would be ok with him too.

I live in the American continent and I have attended a lot of weddings and I have seen (sadly) that many who had made big parties (in 5 star hotels, very very expensive), after 2 or 3 years they are getting divorced.

Then, why making a big party? The most important thing is the God bless the marriage and that the bride and groom be happy.

Sorry about the ignorance but what is Shabka or Mahr???

Answer 5

What's shabka?

You can still have a party! It doesn't have to be so elaborate!! Having a mahr is a woman's right! Having a walima is part of the marriage! Once you start to take these things away on a large scale society will really be going backwards. Do you want us to become communists?
Allah had a reason in His infinite wisdom in giving us mahr and walima!

EDIT: I would like to add that mahr does not have to be some huge sum of money. It should be noted however that money and gifts help to make the beginning of marriage easier. Some people don't realize how hard it is when starting out. Do you know what it's like for a woman to leave her father's house? What if the bonds of love haven't formed yet? It would be a pity to be in that situation and have no gifts too. Gifts build bonds, even the Prophet pbuh said something to that effect.

Egyptians marry for love? Egyptians have always told me, "Love comes AFTER marriage!"

Answer 6

This is an interesting question. In the United States, the bride and her family tend to pay for the wedding. Personally, I would be fine with the small wedding with just the closest friends and family - it's about the love and commitment the couple shares ... not the money the parents lay out. My parents have a wedding fund set aside for me, so my wedding will be much larger than I want and I will wear the big white dress.

I think the larger question, especially after my latest experience with thinking about marriage (with a guy who is Egyptian), is the male being able to support the female throughout the marriage. My Egyptian friend said he was not ready for marriage (neither am I). One of his sincere reasons was money. He said that if he was ready for the commitment it would be with me, but he is not ready and does not have the money. He does not have enough personal money to support a bride- especially in the US. If he was back in Egypt, it would be tight, but he could swing it. His parents could provide the apartment and he had a good paying job. It is harder in the US. We are both in school and earn some money from the university, but in reality, we rely a lot on parental support. I will be done before he is and when we finish, we will be able to support ourselves. However, for him, being able to support a bride on his own is very important; its part of him being able to identify himself as a man. I told him I do not care about money and young couples make sacrifices. For him, he needs to be able to support his family. He is perfectly fine with his wife being educated, having an amazing career, and earning a substantial salary, but he need to be able to provide the basics. I did not understand at first. When considering him and his needs, I would say money is important.

As for the Shabka or Mahr ... I did not grow up with these customs and it would never occur for my family to ask for a Shabka. However, I am an American girl and grew up with the fantasy of an engagement ring. Yes, it would be nice to have that "perfect" diamond engagement ring, but if it is the right guy, I would say yes to a twist tie.

I would probably prefer the Mahr. This is for a few reasons. If I were to marry an Egyptian (which probably would only be my friend - sorry, but he's special), the Mahr would be an incredibly thoughtful gift and it would have great sentimental value. It would also be a small way that I would acknowledge a part of his religion (we did agree that I would not convert and he would never ask me to). As far as a protection for being widowed or divorce, I would not be concerned. We would have a prenuptial agreement that would protect our respective assets in the case of divorce. In the case of being widowed, life insurance policies should cover immediate expenses. Either way, losing a husband would be traumatic and money or material items would not replace him.

Answer 7

Wise Heart, first let me congratulate you on your choice of the new avatar. it catches the eye and matches this category.
now , your interesting question has worked so well in opening the hearts of the contributers that i can safely say it has exposed a lot.
for me , my family isnt concerned with what the bridegroom would pay but with what he is.
they study him well , and when they are satisfied that he would provide their girl with a secure home and a comfortable life , they give their consent.
my family is so conservative that there is no chance for love before the engagement or marriage. the girl is ready to have her 1st love experience with her lucky husband.
now, to the core of your question , Wise Heart.
i dont insist on the big expensive wedding dress.
any pretty dress or lady's suit would do , because im not fond of showing off or being seen in a specific costume. im simple. i have a western mind and an eastern heart .
about the engagement gift, shabka, i would accept a wedding ring and a ring with some stone in it . it doesnt have to be expensive, but it has to be pretty and chosen by me.
the part y doesnt have to be elaborate. parents, family and friends or neighbors would be invited at home . a glass of cold drink and chocolate would be enough . what matters is that the couple are surrounded by those who really care for them.
the mahr is a contribution towards furnishing the house. whatever is paid will go multiplied to the furnishing.
the house has to be appealing and comfortable.
it doesnt have to be big or expensive. but it must be furnished in good taste.
these are the basics . they would cost a lot .after the couple become successful in their careers, they can change or add whatever they like.
they must start their lives together without being under stress due to high expences that do not add to their togetherness.
simplicity is the standard .

Answer 8

Well, honestly, I ALWAYS pictured myself getting married in a beautiful long white dress and having the huge wedding party.
I'm engaged and going to get married in June next summer,and it doesn't look like I'm going to get the wedding I always wanted.
It does bother me, i'm not going to lie, but it's alright, because in the future we'll have enough money saved up to have a REAL wedding with decorations and all.
My future husband is actually Egyptian, I'm not, and he feels the same way I do about the wedding. His brother got married a few months ago and had a blow-out wedding!
But the money that my husband and I would spend on the wedding(cake, DJ, club rental, etc.) all of that money is going towards "something else".
We may not have a blow-out wedding, but we're going to have an awesome "honeymoon!"

Answer 9

I am not a girl but still want to answer based on experience.

No sir, they will cry their hearts out until they get the white dress and the wedding party no matter what.

No sir, they would go for Shabka because this is what shows on their arms and neck, but Mahr only goes for trivial objects like furniture and stuff, who cares.

@farah:
Don't worry, she used to ask as much as any girl would ask but now Al7amdulellah, I give her more than she can handle.

Answer 10

Salah, I have no idea what your wife asked for, but apparently it was lot! looooooool

Personally, I can honestly say I didn't want a wedding or shabka. The mahr was used to buy stuff for the home so I didn't get it all to myself either. I could care less about all that stuff. All I honestly wanted was a decent religious guy who knows his duties as well as his rights and who would treat me bima yordy Allah. I won't pretend that money doesn't matter because it does. I didn't want a rich guy, just someone who can provide a reasonable standard of living ... the basics I'm accustomed to in my parents' home.

It was my parents (mainly my mom!) who told me I was being idealistic and naive and would regret not having a wedding or shabka later when I grow up and see other relatives having all that. Now 11 years later the diamond shabka is kept in its box and is never worn and the money spent on the wedding would have been better spent on a longer honeymoon abroad I think. All that matters to me now is that I have my beloved husband and daughter who mean the world to me. That's all that really matters.

Oh, another thing I HATE is the traditional furniture I was forced to buy! hehehe "odit ilsalon ilmodhab!" ya3333333333 I hate it from all my heart! It's not used either ... just sits there useless like that shabka! "siiiiiiigh*
It was my hubby who gave in to my parents' nagging about "what would people say if you don't have a "salon"?!!" I was firmly against it till the last minute! Every time I see it I smile! lol