Is it ok for a person to change their spouse to "help them grow up"? Is it ok for them to make them change their habits and friends because they were a "waste of time"? In a marriage such as that, would trying to work it out still be the right thing? How would you be able to work it out when the changes would still be there and the unhappiness with it? If anyone has seen some sort of book on this topic, that would be greatly appreciated as well. thank you.
2007-10-20 21:29:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Is it ok for a person to change their spouse to "help them grow up"? Is it ok for them to make them change their habits and friends because they were a "waste of time"? In a marriage such as that, would trying to work it out still be the right thing? How would you be able to work it out when the changes would still be there and the unhappiness with it? If anyone has seen some sort of book on this topic, that would be greatly appreciated as well. thank you
ps this isnt my own personal experience...im trying to help a friend of mine who is having difficulty deciding whether or not he should leave his marriage
2007-10-21 12:04:22 · update #1
All I have to say is that in all honesty babe, you can't change anyone unless they wish to be changed. I mean you can try as you might. But just because you want them to change will not happen. So indeed you are meeting with resistance. So the best advice that is unchanging and very true. Let your husband grow up on his own. I mean, if you knew certain things about him were a issue for you when you were dating you should have talked about it then, not now. Because to complain or try to change such habits now is very much impossible. As he no doubt figured you accepted him and his friends as is. So no matter what book you read or what others may tell you, that man is not going to change now or in the future until he wishes to. And the more you push him, the more he is going to become unhappier and unhappier up until, he is the one to ask you for a divorce, or indeed call you a nag that is ruining his life. And I know you don't want that.
P.S. If ever you find yourself in another dating situation again, do this, address issues and quirks ahead of time and if they aren't at least compromised down with a few of your own, just get ouf of the relationship. Because if you can't at least compromise on the quirks then that is a clear blue sign that man is not ready for a relationship with you at all. And you should not waste your time on him.
2007-10-20 21:38:12 · answer #1 · answered by Cursed_Romantic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What? Help them grow up or stop having them hang out with friends? Okay, first who made you queen of maturity who has the authority to make up laws about what is and what isn't a waste of time. Perhaps your spouse truly enjoys these 'time wasting' activities like having friends...I do not think that a spouse has the right to try and make the other 'grow up' or switch priorities in life. I do think if one spouse is unhappy, the other has some responsiblity to try and make the other happy, but when it comes to giving up friends or truly enjoyable hobbies, that's going way too far. I think in that case, the unhappy spouse needs to work on changing her attitude.
2007-10-20 21:35:46 · answer #2 · answered by some female 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
when one member of the relationship tries to change another, the one being changed will never end up happy. thus an unhappy marriage. if this person needs to grow up, they shouldn't be married in the first place, they weren't ready. there should be give and take on both sides. a marriage is not 50/50 its 100/100.
2007-10-20 21:48:27 · answer #3 · answered by Brian D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey,
You're gonna have to come to a realisation that there can be no change that doesn't effect you. Here's the deal- you married him as he was. If you married him as a work in progress you really screwed up. If he doesn't live up to your expectations, you're probably going to say, "gee I want a divorce, you're not the person I thought you were."
Or suppose he does change- then what? "Gee you're not the man I married! I don't even know you anymore! I want a divorce!"
If you married him for any other reason than because you love him as he is, then you've got a serious problem.
2007-10-20 21:37:40 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
From personal experience, I can tell you it's wrong to change your spouse just because you don't like something. Especially if it's his friends.
When I got married, I basically quit all the friends I had before I got married (except for one or two). And then I basically dedicated myself to being the married man and living for my marriage. When my marriage fell apart 5+ years later I realized I didn't have an identity of my own. All the friends I had were basically her friends or were from associations through her. I didn't have any friends who were mine as an adult.
It's one thing to encourage him to eat healthy, stop smoking, exercise, or make other healthy changes. But it is absolutely wrong to try and get him to change who he is just because you don't like it or think it's wrong. You really have to ask yourself why you married him if there is so much you want to change.
2007-10-20 21:37:44 · answer #5 · answered by Justin H 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Getting married expecting to change someone is getting married for the wrong reasons. You married your spouse as he was, for the person he was. If he was NOT the person you wanted to marry then you should not have married him at all. YOU basically marrying this man have lied in your vows (maybe you should re read them?) and HE (if he is smart) is entitled to a divorce on grounds of fraud (you lieing when you took your vows)YOU obviously are the one who needs help growing up.
2007-10-21 08:15:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only a stupid person actually believes they can make another person change. You can't make a person do anything they don't want to do. Grow up!!
It's never okay to try to change a person, at some point they will rebel. If you are not okay with who they are then you should not be with them. You should go and find someone who is what you are looking for, not someone you are going to try to change to what you want them to be.
2007-10-20 21:38:32 · answer #7 · answered by az_mommma 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you did not like the way he was before you married him then why did you marry him. You want him to be another person. It does not make any sense. You either like him for himself or you don't. And it is unfair to want to change a person. You accept a person as is. You have no right to control his life. You either share it or not. It is that simple.
2007-10-20 21:43:10 · answer #8 · answered by orcarius 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
But isn't that all the reasons why you fell in love? And now you want them to change? Thats who they are, can't change that!
2007-10-20 21:35:35 · answer #9 · answered by Snappy Answers 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you cannot expect to change anyone. you were fully aware of his faults before you married him. what you are going to have to do is learn to accept what you chose, after all you said I DO
2007-10-20 23:51:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋