divorced dad needs mature advice regarding "toxic" ex wife?

Question

I'm getting remarried next week and my gf is very excited about being a stepmom to my 8 yr old son. The problem is my exwife who is possessive of our son and very jealous of my gf.She has already been a problem with my gf's involment with our son and its only going to get worse once we get married. I have joint custody with my exwife and see my son every other day and have to deal with my ex often. I really want to take the high road with my ex(for my sons sake) so whats the best way to handle my gf becoming my son's new stepmom without making waves with my exwife? Divorced moms what would piss u off if your ex got remarried?

Answer 1

You and the new wife need to make it clear to the ex that the new wife does not want to become the child's "mother". You may also want to set down some ground rules such as none of you will speak poorly about the other in the child's presence.

Answer 2

My ex did get remarried. Not that it matters but is the ex wife jealous of the gf because of her being "mom" or is she jealous because she will be your new "wife" There is a difference if you know what I mean. Anyway, The gf needs to take a backseat for awhile with the "mom" role where your ex wife is concerned. I assume that you and the gf have discussed discipline of you son. Continue to take the high road I am an avid believer in it being about what is best for the kids. I have been divorced 9 years and although there are times I could strangle my ex with regards to situations with our son I keep my cool and discuss in private. Keep the gf informed. If there are calls back and forth between you and the ex make sure she is privy to them so that she does not have issues down the road. Make it clear to ex that she is your sons mother and always will be no one will be taking that spot, gf will be involved in sons life. Sometimes I think it is harder on the new wife then the old.

Answer 3

Talk to your ex and tell her that your gf is a good person and that it will always be your concern that the child is treated well. Your girlfriend could talk to her too and tell her that she cares for the boy and would do nothing to hurt him.
You should always be the one to discipline your child not the stepmother. Let your ex know this. It would piss me off really bad if someone else other than me or my kids dad disciplined our kids. They are grown now but I would never have allowed it when they were young. Make sure that the stepmom is a friend and not a mother figure. Your child shoud never call her mom, mommy or anything like that. He has one Mother. Tell her that she will never have to worry about that.
And ALWAYS listen to your son if he complains about the stepmom. Hear him out.

Answer 4

The "ex"'s biggest fear is that she will lose a piece of her child to a woman that did not factor at all into producing the child. Heed the advice of an "ex".. Make sure "Daddy" remains in charge of the discipline and decisions, do not let the new wife become "in charge" of anything regarding the child. Do not have the new wife do the "pick-ups" or the drop-off's". If you and your new wife respect the child's mother as such, over time the wounds will heal and as long as your new wife does not allow it to become a competition between her and the ex, it will work out. Ask your new wife to be patient, it is hard for a mom to allow someone else to have a piece of her heart (her child)

Answer 5

Mr, you are the one with the problem, and it is your behavior that is toxic, not your ex,s. You must understand your son is only 8 years old, why in the world would you want to put him thru another possibility of a divorce? Ok, Im sure your in la,la, land with your new honey and all, so therefore you think that Im wrong and Im not saying all the things you want to hear, but I am being honest with ya, Your son does not need a new mother, or a step-mom as you put it, and you my friend, do not understand or know how evil or vindictive us women can be, do you really think your new honey really wants to be a mom to a child thats not hers? Wake up! You are only seeing what you want to see, and hearing what you want to hear. I say these things out of fear for your childs future. You need to wait to marry, when your son is old enough and mature enough to handle this. Your only thinking about what you want, your not thinking about what this child needs, and this child needs his dad, full time, he doesnt need you to be spending your valuable time with some woman with whom he doesnt care about, you see, when you get remarried, you will be with your new wife, this takes important time away from your son, and Im sure that maybe your ex-wife has a point here, she,s fearful of this new woman and protective of her child, I cant blame her for that, listen, you are the one who can make the situation better by waiting to marry when the time is right, and from what Im hearing if you marry this girl it will only cause destruction and disfunction in your sons life, so I recomend that you sacrafice your needs to benifet your sons, who comes first here your child, or your girlfriend?

Answer 6

Good for you for trying to take the high road on this - many parents don't and the kids are the ones who suffer the most.

My advice: try not to make a huge deal about your girlfriend being a stepmom to your son. He has a mother - toxic or not - and she will no doubt be feeling:
a) rejected since you are committing to someone else (replacing her in her role as your wife), and
b) threatened that your girlfriend will replace her in her role as mother.

Keep it low key.

Answer 7

If the relationship is toxic already, you are right .. .it's not going to get any better. The high road is not to get involved because there is no way you are going to be able to deal with her resentments and bad behavior. Anything you do will "make waves". You will not be able to please her.

SO, the high road in this case is to work through the courts. Enforce the particulars of the child custody agreement. Seek modifications if you have to for you and your new wife. Just be reasonable but don't let her anger destroy the relationship with your new wife or create chaos in your child's life.

Answer 8

I would chill out a bit on the "step mom" language or even referring to her as "step mom" to your son...she is simply your wife...but she is not his mother or mom...not at all, not even close...it would be different if you were a widower...in that your new wife would be filling a mom role for your son...but that is not the case, so you need to make it clear to your new wife, your ex-wife and your son that the parenting will be between yourself and his mother and your new wife will stay out of everything from dietary issues to dicipline...as time goes on, this may change...but for now there MUST be a stark separation between your former family unit and your new relationship.

Congrats and best wishes.

Answer 9

Remember that your ex is your son's mother. You both need to try to be as amiable as possible for his sake. In saying that, the best thing at the moment is for your ex to have limited access to your gf. Over time, things may cool off, but you're marrying your gf and unfortunately that ties your ex to her. If your gf is someone she feels had broken up your marriage, then it may be an ongoing struggle. You need to be the one to deal with your ex. Don't send your "new wife" to get your son. Don't have your "new wife" call your ex for you. Try to be very conceterate of your ex's feelings. Be polite and almost businesslike in your interactions.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Go easy on the gf trying to be your son's mother. He has only one mother. There's no point in confusing him.
I could care less when X remarried.