Everytime I would like to talk to my boyfriend about something he says that he "doesn't want to deal with it." I mean, he's a grown man. Should I just get the hint and move on?
We've been togehter for a year and are living together. I think sometimes we have communication problems. I was telling him something today that was really on my mind and that I needed to talk to him about and he started getting frustrated with me and yelling. So I hung up on him because it was making me more upset and I didn't want to fight with him.
He just called me back and was trying to attempt to talk to me and he started yelling at me again. When I asked him what his problem was he told me he didn't want to deal with it. I can't be with someone who treats me like that! He should be my partner and listen when I speak.
He's 30 years old and I think he still doesn't get it. Should I stick it out or stop wasting my time?
Keep in mind that regardless of this flaw, we are deeply in love.
2007-10-20 17:33:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The communication problem is on both of you....check out books by John Gottman....I think the title of one is "Why marriages succeed or fail and how to make yours last" super awesome relationship man...also the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book will also help you better understand your differences. If you are talking about his emotional maturity...but then hanging up on him.....it's a two way street. Sounds like he's frustrated and doesn't know how to respond to your needs...
Next time - try starting out with "I had a really rough day at work and could really use to talk to you about it, although I really just need you to listen. I just need to get it out. Do you think you could do that for me now?"
He can't give you want you want if he doesn't know what that is....men are "fixers," advice givers and problem solver...he probably tries to fix your problems or give you advice when you really just need a sounding board....then you get frustrated with his opinion - then he's upset because you aren't open to his advice....it's a cycle.
Tell him your needs so he understands - don't expect him to mind read or "just know"...seriously check out John Gottman's work - super intelligent counselor/researcher on couples/couples therapy
2007-10-20 17:47:40 · answer #1 · answered by Bird 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I married a man just like that. It doesn't change, I know that you love him - I love my husband too, but that doesn't necessarily mean that this is the best thing for you. If he loves you as much as you love him he should be willing to listen to you! If it feels like he's being disrespectful when he yells at you, etc, then just imagine what will happen if you stay with him for a few years. More than likely the respect that he does have for you will fade away, because you allow him to act that way it feels acceptable, and why should he change? You'll stick around no matter how he treats you! An extra word of advice - Do not get pregnant! at least until you sort all this out and make sure it's going to work. If he's like my husband, kids just mean that you can't leave and he can do whatever he wants.
2007-10-20 17:41:15 · answer #2 · answered by pjt 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
LEAVE NOW. I REPEAT LEAVE NOW. If his behavior is due to some trauma within the relationship. I would say work with him. But this is not the case. And this relationship has only been a year. Get out now. He has an issue that he himself needs to seek help for. His behavior is possibly due to a past relationship. Or something he witness from his father or guardian. AGAIN NOT YOUR ISSUE. Don't start something in a relationship that you know you won't be able to continue. Meaning Don't cater to his hangups. if he can't deal with you when you need him. Stop dealing with him. And the deeply in love comment. He is 30 YO and can't deal with it. I think you don't get it . Not being mean just honest.And you can only speak for yourself. This is the problem with living together and dating we(women) have these assumption about "we". When most men are still thinking me and I. It's not good to feel worst after talking that your are in a relationship with.
2007-10-20 18:39:56 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well with deep love comes compassion, understanding, tolerance, patience, and so much more. I think that you are more in love than he. If he begins yelling at you because you need to discuss things, then that is just wrong. this means that he has no relationship skills. If you really want this relationship to work out then I think that the 2 of you need counseling, he probably will not go because he will say that he has no problem and that it is you with the problem....well, NOT. You may need to start looking a way out, because he is not going to get any better.....it will only get worse if he does not see what he is doing and how it affects others. and if you keep taking this abuse from him, then he will say .....well she is still here through all the torture so she takes it, and I am going to keep on......you DESERVE MUCH BETTER.
2007-10-20 19:41:26 · answer #4 · answered by mrs_endless 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
what do you mean by deeply in love ?
Love is about respecting how the two of you feel. You seem to have babyish problems going on in a relationship.
Sit across and learn to communicate.
If you are two are looking for anything long term, get a therapist to help you establish a better relationship.
For now, its just immature communication problem.
2007-10-20 17:38:25 · answer #5 · answered by Romi 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just quit trying to talk to him about problems. If he does something that you feel you want to discuss with him, instead of discussing it, do it right back to him. When he gets frustrated of this happening all the time, he'll want to talk or leave. If he leaves then that means that he couldn't even live with himself. Why would he expect anyone else to be able to?
Oh, and if he comes to you and wants to talk, tell him you don't want to deal with it.
Try Bird's advice, and if that doesn't work, then get tough and try mine.
2007-10-20 17:44:35 · answer #6 · answered by jennniferlea 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is one major flaw. I would not stick it out with him. There are many problems that you will encounter in your life and as your partner he is suppose to be there for you two to deal with them together. You will have to deal with yours alone. Can you live with that. Think of when and if you have children. If you wanted to deal with life and problems alone I think that you would be alone. Just because he does not want to deal he should not yell at you. Think long and hard about this. Good luck.
2007-10-20 17:40:05 · answer #7 · answered by kim h 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like respect is missing on both sides...
If he won't listen, that's disrespect. If he's willing to deal with 'it', whatever 'it' is, at a later time, there's hope.
If you insist on bringing up issues when it suits you and not him, that's also disrespect.
Time to read Dr. Phil McGraw and John Gottman to / with / or beside each other.
2007-10-20 17:45:18 · answer #8 · answered by David F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you are not in love
as love has self respect
something you forgot or do not know
he has a problem
what that is you do not know
and communication is number one in any relationship
you are better of leaving him
and you very well might find that suddenly he gets very communicative
yelling BTW is not communication
it's cover for a insecurity that he harbors
hence the defense mechanism
2007-10-20 18:17:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you could both benefit from some help with your communication - a counsellor, maybe? - since it does not seem like you are able to argue properly.
2007-10-20 17:37:44 · answer #10 · answered by banana6464 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋