What can I do to stop being angry about my soon to be ex-husband's infidelity?

Question

I mean, I know anger is justified in this situation, but as he's obviously a selfish narcissist and not worthy of any of my time or consideration, I'd like to write him off completely. Thing is, everything seems to remind me of him and all the recollections make me angry.

Will it simply take time? Should I just grit my teeth and tough it out? Should I throw myself into a hobby or a job? Should I sleep all day and all night until I forget about how much he hurt me? Should I get a tiny voo doo doll and stab it in the eyes?

Answer 1

I know you already have a ton of GREAT answers but speaking from personal experience here there are some things I wanted to share.

First of all, realize that your feelings are valid. You are not wrong for how you feel or the anger that comes from infidelity.

Second, I tried to find things that made me feel better about myself whether that is a new job, a new hobby, exercise, whatever

Third - Be careful about who your friends are and make sure they understand that you do not want to re-hash the past. Some of my "friends" were the biggest obstacles in my "recovery"

4th Yes, it takes time.

Really look at what you are angry about - not with him so much as yourself. Are you going through self-blame? Are you feeling inadequate? Is your self-esteem intact? You must first address the feelings you have about yourself and as you begin to love yourself more, you will have less anger towards him. Don't stop living - don't stay in bed... Surround yourself with the things that bring you joy and Good luck!

Answer 2

Sorry to hear your having to go through this emotional drama. I think you will be fine in time. It is a very hard time for most people to get over, but most eventually do. Things you might want to do include getting rid of the stuff that reminds you of him so you won't cloud you're judgment with anger. The hobby or job idea sounds good. Just keep busy while the time passes until you are over him. And, unless you really (I mean really) hate him, don't get a voo doo doll and stab it in the eyes 'cause those things really work, and besides, if you blind him, he won't have to pay child support or alimony. Take care.

Answer 3

I love the idea of a voo doo doll actually! lol
you can make a list of the good things you thought you saw in him on one side of a piece of paper and the bad on the other side and put it where you are reminded often that you are better off, on the refrigerator, for example.
Unless you are independently wealthy, you will have to get a job so do that now and that may help as you meet new people and make new friends, and even get a hobby perhaps.
If the subjects interests you at all, you can go to handwritingwizard.com and take a course on how to analyze hand writing. I found it interesting and once you learn that it will be a tool to spot the losers ahead of time before getting into another relationship.
you will get over him in time and find someone else to be happy with but it takes time so by keeping yourself busy it makes the time go by faster. Good luck to you!!

Answer 4

First thing to do is get that voo doo doll and stab the crap out of his private parts!!! That would make me feel better for sure. Then I would send him a very bad karma vibe. I'm sorry your hurt. Make sure to talk to a close friend and vent all your problems. This is going to hurt for a while. Let yourself go through the grieving process. Your gonna cry, punch pillows, eat too much, not eat at all etc. It's okay to hurt for as long as it takes. Over time, it will get better, trust me. The most important aspect to all of this is......DON'T EVER LET HIM SEE YOU SUFFERING! Act like you don't care about him at all. Never let him see how much he hurt you. Don't find a rebound right away, even though it would probably make you feel better, but just find a friend to talk to and start the process of being happy on your own for a while. This is a new beginning for you, you have a whole new life to get excited about, embrace it! Like you said, go back to school or get a hobby. You'll be just fine, your better off without the bastard.

Answer 5

You can't just stop being angry and you probably will always be angry, at least some part of you will. It will start to fade in time a bit though. There are things you can to to help channel your rage into more productive ventures. Simply ignoring and trying to stuff your emotions hoping they will go away actually will make it hurt more. You need to express them. Even if its just using a voodoo doll and burning photos of him, etc... It might sound silly but sometimes it helps.

I can completely empathize with you about how everything reminds you of your ex and it makes you angry, because I was the same way. The suggestion to take a vacation and have a change of scenery is actually a good one. You need to make new memories, happy ones, that don't involve your ex at all.

Best of luck to you Zero Cool

Answer 6

this is probably going to sound strange, but what I recommend is that rather than try to stop yourself from feeling what you're feeling, that you *concentrate on it*.

Why? Well, because people can't hold onto anything for very long, really, unless they have trained themselves to do it.

So if you were to decide to JUST feel that anger, and whenever you found your thoughts drifting away from that, you brought yourself back to it...you'd find that you were not able to hold onto the anger for very long. I'd be very surprised if you could do nothing but feel anger for an hour, without having other thoughts and feelings pop up.

And I suspect that you'd get pretty bored with doing this exercise quickly.

And that would give you at least a break from it for a while.


I also recommend that take the opportunity to tell him everything you want to tell him, but not in person. Sit in a chair and set up an empty chair across from you, and yell or rant or accuse or cry or anything else that you're suppressing right now - with the intent of purging yourself of it. Keep going until you have run out of things to say, and don't censor yourself..

Answer 7

That's a power-packed first sentence.
Emotions are hard to deal with - they don't respond well to logic.
Whilst ever you try 'to stop being angry' you feed the demon called anger.

If you step back and look at it dispassionately you'll realise all you really want to do is MANAGE the anger cos that's about the only thing you CAN do.
You can't really cancel out part of your life.
A catholic lady friend of mine went through the whole annulment process over her first husband - I thought it was weird but who is to say how much that helped her psychologically.

You can try all those suggestions in your second paragraph but ultimately you'll still be left holding a bag of anger.
You could write him multiple letters telling him how you feel - you don't need to send them - just vent.

Oh, you could try killing him or yourself but that means he wins and that is not the object of the game is it?

"Anger: An attempt to regain loss of control over self or others.
Or, misplaced passion.
Seneca suggested: Anger is caused by our expectations of others (or situations), of being too hopeful. If we were to be more pessimistic we would not be shattered by those calamities which befall us.
But why weep about parts of life when the whole of it deserves tears … we are, all of us, at the whim of the goddess called Fortune.

Ah, philosophers. How they do succinctify philosophy so well."

Rather than think "he's obviously a selfish narcissist and not worthy of any of my time or consideration" try switching him into an immature, unaware, know-nothing, out-of-touch little boy.

Good luck - anger is a biitch to deal with - I used to break people and things when I was a much younger man; I am much more in control now-a-days.
Oh, and I know I broke some hearts because of my own narcissism; I used to be a selfish a'hole.

[edit]
As strange as it may seem - forgiveness works - it cancels anger.
Forgiveness: Giving up all hope of a better past.
x

Answer 8

It's a lousy situation you find yourself in, no question about that.

You are right that your best ally is time and that hobbies and jobs will help to keep you busy - along with new ones you'd like to try.

All I could add to what you already said is, be open to do all the things you said. Some days you will feel braver than others, happier than others. So be open to the fact that some days you'll want to put yourself to bed and pull the covers over your head as you fear that you will never be happy again. But there are also going to be days when the sun seems bright and your world is full of possibilities. And there will be more and more of those days as time goes by.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Voodoo doll will help ;-)

It's okay to be angry. Anger is good when it spurs us toward action that fixes the problem. Divorce is not easy and your anger may serve you to get through it, as long as you can maintain control.

After the divorce is finalized, I recommend going to a therapist for the main purpose of venting and spewing venom to your heart's content. It will provide a chance to fully embrace your feelings, and that will help you let them go.

Once you embark on your new life, that's the time to turn your energy towards creating happiness rather than dwelling on hurt. But since the divorce isn't final I am guessing you're not quite there yet. It sounds like it's pretty fresh.

Have you read Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Estes?

Answer 10

Dealing with this type of betrayal is very hard and sometimes takes more than one solution. A combination of things will help mend the hole that it left in your soul. Pay special attention to the destructive feelings first like the anger, vengance, retribution, and the like. These are the most destructive and will prevent recovery or will tear down any progress you can make. The sadness will go away and unfortunately that is the one thing that only time will heal for you. The betrayal of your trust and the "On Guard" change in your personality will gradually decipate and you be able to be yourself. The hardest advice I can give you is the best and it comes from experience of what I should've done and did not know at the time, face all of the issues head on and do not let any of them go hoping that they will just go away or that someone else will make them disappear. Meet every emotion with courage and put every amount of compassion into your dealings. I can relate to your not having a great deal of compassion for what your partner did and rightfully so, but the compassion for him will help you deal with the feelings you have and their affect on you. It sounds crazy but I have been there and it would have been much easier had I known to follow what I am telling you. It took me 4 years to fully recover from this type of hurt. I never expected it was not so luck to have just a narcissistic partner, she was a sociopath. After being abused for two years constantly, the divorce started and the abuse was allowed to continue for two more years as the courts and attorneys would not intervene or help. I found no one that would listen or help with the situation and to date everyone still believes the sociopath. Read about the type of personality as it will help you draw strength within yourself and allow you to build defenses against the patterns of behavior that they camoflouge their antics with including pathological lying. If it helps, there is a peice of my heart that is with you as one that has been the victim of this type of person is the only way one can know of the destruction to the inner soul that is created. It is a long road but there are things to make it easier along the way and I had no guide and the info is yours for the asking. God bless you as this is one of the hardest places to be in life.