advice please?

Question

my daughters boyfriend will be visiting us for the first time tomorrow
he is a 17 year old wheel chair bound young man
we are very excited at meeting him , but I have some worries ( as does he )
we live in a first floor flat with stairs and he has been putting off the visit for quite some time now
I thought perhaps that he couldnt manage the stairs , but he admitted tonight to it being embarressment because he will have to ( in his words ) bum it up the stairs
I dont want him to be embarressed , I want him to feel at ease with us....
but how can I help him without patronising him or making him feel uncomfortable
do I offer to help him ?
I dont want to see him struggle with the stairs ... but I know he is stubborn also
and my home isnt wheelchair friendly ... any tips on what to rearrange or look out for ?
I just want him to enjoy being here and feel accepted into the family
thank you in advance xx

the stairs arent in my home
they lead to my home
I live in a block of flats

he has stairs in his own home which he manages fine
and we did suggest meeting elsewhere initially , but he decided in the end to come here

Answer 1

You probably won't need to help him to "bum" it up the stairs coz he'll have his own way of doing it but you could go thru your flat n double-check that there isn't anything that could get knocked over/broken if he banged into them in his w/chair. He sounds like he is very independant so on the wholl he probably won't need much in the way of physical help. Will he be able to use your loo if he needs to? Perhaps you could phone him or text him if he's got a mobile n ask him if there are any specific things he needs you to do. Most importantly, just treat him exactly the same as you would any able-bodied boyfriend your daughter has had before. His w/chair is a form of transport but one that he needs all the time. If you go out of your way to watch what you say you will not be natural n relaxed n that'll be embarrassing for all of you. I can tell you from personal experience that some well-intentioned people can make problems where there shouldn't be any. (I was in a w/chair for 8yrs) You might see him "struggle" but he does things for himself all the time, it's just that it will probably take him longer than you to do some stuff. Please don't wince either if you can help it....that is a form of pity n is blooming annoying lol. Just be yourself n we're sure it will be alright. Enjoy your visit from him.......n sorry folks, but why change the place for the meeting? He wants to meet you in your home. xxx

Answer 2

Discussed the issue with him.
Acknowledge that he is embarrassed but reassured him that he is welcome to your place. Tell him that you are willing to help (IF he wants help) and discussed the best way to help him. Ask him how. he will know best - but you also know your building layout and the stair configuration. He should come and have a look at the stair and have a think about how it could be done FIRST and think about any potential problem rather than dive in and do it and get stuck in the middle of the process

Talk about it as-a-matter-of-factly. Don't make it into a big thing. As long as you discussed practical safety issues so he and YOU don't get hurt in the process when he is getting up.
.
Remember to discussed GOING DOWN as well!!

Inside - DON"T make a big issue of re-arranging everything. He will only feel more embarassed that you have gone into a lot of trouble. Just make sure that he can come in the door and have wide enough space to move. He will understand that it is YOUR house and that he will not have total movement in there. Again - NO NEED to make a fuss and tell him how much you have moved things about.

Once he comes to your place a few times, it will no longer be an issue. You will also notice what other little improvement inside you can make to accommodate him better

I had a very good friend who was a wheelchair user and need TOTAL help - could not get up AT ALL on his own. I also used to live upstairs 10 years back. Yet we managed ok when I was iving there. Just take it slow the first time. Thank goodness I later moved to a place where there is only ONE step to negotiate.

(I use the word "had" a friend here. Unfortunately, he passed away about 5 weeks ago. He had muscular dystrophy)

Hope this helps. any other points you want to discussed - email me. always willing to help

EDIT: Regarding other answers advice about lifting him (with the wheelchair) up the stairs - DO NOT DO THIS!!! It is very dangerous. He will feel vulnerable and people doing the lifting put themselves at risk of injuring themselves!!!!! Trust me on this - I KNOW what I am talking about.

Answer 3

Don't watch him bum up the stairs. He's used to doing it. Let your daughter watch if he needs supervision, but I doubt it.

Someone can bring up his chair for him, then ask hi if he need any help getting in it - he shouldn't - a lesson one learns when one uses a chair is how to get back in if you fall over.

Don't watch him get in the chair - go do something. Like ask him what he'd like to drink and then go in the kitchen and go get it.

He is NOT wheelchair bound - he uses a wheelchair. If he were bound he couldn't get up the stairs at all.

Remove any rugs that aren't stapled or taped to the floor.

Be sure there is a 36 inch wide aisle to where ever you think he might want to go.

If you think you might want to sit around a table for dinner or whatever - remove a chair and put it in another room ahead of time.

Take out anything extra in the bathroom on the floor except a waste basket. Be sure the soap isn't all the way back. Be sure the hand towels are where they can be reached - or put one on the side of the sink. Remove any rugs.

Don't lean on his chair. Don't push his chair. (Your daughter might as it is considered personal space - and she may be allowed into it.)

People with disabilities are forced to confront difficult situations all the time. This is no big deal to him. Don't make it a big deal for you. The big deal is meeting you- not his disability.

DO NOT try to create a ramp out a piece of plywood. HE would feel obligated to use it and it is doubtful it would be safe. A safe ramp must be one foot long for every inch of stairs. A simple sheet of wood ramp just works for one - MAYBE two steps. You don't know how heavy he is in his chair - you don't know how wide his chair is- just don't do it.

Answer 4

If you could put some wood over the stairs for a ramp that would be nice (just make sure the wood won't slip)- otherwise, if there is someone strong enough around to pull him up the stairs (and back down) those may be the best options. In your home - just make sure that he has room to maneuver the chair - no throw rugs. Is there room for his wheelchair (to just sit-but not out in the middle of the room) or do you need to move a chair or table out of the room temporarily? Probably the best thing you can do is relax, and not make a big issue out of it. It also depends on the size of his chair - some are bigger than others. I always needed someone to hold doors open for me when I had to use a wheelchair. Try sitting in a chair - (if you have one on rollers that would be great) at your front door and see how you would move around in your house, kind of pretend you were in a wheelchair. But, relax - having your daughter's boyfriend over is stressful enough (for everyone). Tell him to let you know if there is something that you need to move etc. enjoy!

Answer 5

I assume this will be an overnight visit? I would just be frank and say you dont want to offend him but as you dont know him that well you dont know what assistance he might require, if any.

Your daughter should be able to tell you as well. Is he going to be able to access your bathroom in his wheelchair? If he becomes a frequent visitor or member of your family these are things you will have to address at some point in time.

I realize the stairs are outside and are not under your "jurisdiction" as it were, is there room for a wheelchair ramp to be put into place? I think all housing and public bldgs should provide access for all people. It might be something to speak to your counsel or landlord about, too late for this visit but perhaps for future visits?

Do not lift him up the stairs and do NOT attempt to construct a ramp for him, it would be much too steep and extremely dangerous - he will have to bum it up as you say, just dont stand around and stare while he does it, or act embarassed.

Answer 6

It's not your fault that he will struggle with the stairs, so just try to make it as 'comfortable' an environment as possible. If other people use the stairs, stand where they will be passing, and if anyone does come by, explain to them what is happening, so that the boyfriend has some privacy, or so they at least don't stare rudely as they are passing.

As for your home itself, just make sure the floor is tidy and there is a clear gap before/after doorways (no furniture right beside it which may be a hazard) etc.

Good luck to you all! But I'm sure you won't need it - it will be fine! =)

Answer 7

You can make a ramp by using a thin sheet of wood. Just lay it over the stairs. Unless the stairs are very steep.
Otherwise, ask to help him. But don't put a lot of sympathy into your question. Just make it very casual, like, "Can I give ya' a hand?".
If you really feel too uncomforatble about the whole situation, you can take the family out somewhere, where it is wheel chair friendly. But don't mention it's because he's int he wheel chair, just say you found some really cool place or restaurant you want everyone to try. So you have a little more time to prepare the stairs, for the next visit.

Good luck~

Answer 8

I think it's really sweet that you are so determined to make him feel at home. your daughter is luck to have parents so welcoming. Just don't go over board if he is OK to bum the stairs let him just don't give him an audience let him do it on his own only with the help of your daughter. I don't understand why he has to meet at your home under the circumstances would you not meet at his? Anyway please remember he is probably use to getting around you'll work it out don't put to much emphasis on the fact that he is in a chair though. Good luck relax and enjoy you visit.

Answer 9

We have someone in our family who was in an accident and is now in a wheelchair (for about 11 years). Can you get some board to lay on the stairs and then someone back him up them in the chair? It is easier to pull it backwards that to push it forward. Another issue may be the restroom door. You may have to take the door off the hinges for the chair to fit and then tape a shower curtain liner in the doorway on the outside of the bathroom after he has entered. If you only have one bathroom then everyone has to use the shower curtain as the door, but it really is not a big deal. That is about all I can think of.

Good luck

Answer 10

i can understand what you are talking about completely. You have to get your inside home in order most importantly. Like if you have hallways and he'll need to get up and down them, make sure there isn't anything on the floor up and down the hall. make sure his chair can get anywhere he would need to be in the house. and getting up the stairs will be tricky. but if you and your husband are there or you and your daughter, each of you can grab ahold of the wheel on each side and lift him up the stairs. that way he doesn't have to get out of his chair and feel embearessed, and it will all be over in a few moments and you can enjoy your visit. offer help and if he doesn't want it, don't push it, that will make him uncomfortable. hope that helps and remember to just have fun and enjoy his company. take care and good luck.