Married 28 years. Husband cheated and had an affair. He asked for divorce. Settled out of court. The trauma of all of this still haunts me after 4 years. Does it ever go away and does life ever go back to normal? At 53, I did not think I would be struggling in life. This has been too much to handle.
2007-10-20 09:59:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i don't think one ever gets over something like this completely, but as time goes on the pain does ease, focus on your future, join a self help group, or a grief group, where there are others like u who are suffering, they will be your support system. get out there and begin to date, your still young. when we feel we have no where to turn and life is just getting us down, turn to god. its not the hurt that does us in but how we choose to handle the hurt, we can go into a shell, be afraid to date because we fear we will be treated the same way or we can take a chance. i think u loved this man and u put him on this pedestal and u never saw any of this coming. perhaps there were no alarms, and he probably never communicated that there was a problem, but none of this was your fault, it was his. get your self worth back, this wasn't about u. good luck.
2007-10-20 14:13:59 · answer #1 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At 53 you are still young enough to find someone else and have a good life yet. Find some things to do to take your mind off of this, whether a church group if you attend church, or any other thing that you could not do during the years you were married.
You may be able to join a bowling league, for example, go to a bar and sing karaoke - don''t drink too much :) - You mention settled out of court but I am not sure what you mean by that so take the papers you signed to an attorney and get a legal opinion - many attorneys will not charge to talk to them the first time to see if you have a case or not.
You might even see about a job in a restaurant part time to meet new friends or find a new man there.
Life goes on and can become good enough and perhaps even better but not if you are still holding a stop sign in your hand and your mind. Find something you like to do and do it and you will find happiness again.
2007-10-20 17:20:35 · answer #2 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wasn't married that long but still went through the same thing. I didn't date or go out for about 2 1/2 years and one day a friend said that the world doesn't stop because your hurting and that the sun is gonna come up tomorrow no matter how broken hearted you are. I took it to heart, picked myself up and moved on. I did have to see a doctor for antidepressiants (took them for a year) they helped and now the world never looked brighter. I'm dating a man who treats me like a princess and have a great job.
2007-10-20 17:11:35 · answer #3 · answered by Girly1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said you settled out of court. Get a lawyer and see if you can reopen your case. You have rights and if you were lead to settle for something that is not fair after 28 years of marriage, you should be able to claim whats yours.
2007-10-20 17:05:26 · answer #4 · answered by Chris B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There are several things to do, to try to heal.
First, I know it has been 4 years .. but "time" is the healer of most things. Sometimes, it takes lots of time. Especially, when we are older. You are 53 - but you are young enough to live a wonderful life.
In order to heal from the pain, you have to REALLY move forward with your life.
I know a lady who was married for over 32 years, and who had dated the man for another 7 or 8 years prior to marriage. He had lots of other women continously. He was the ONLY man she ever loved - and cannot love an other. She has been divorced for about 10 years .. and she doesn't move forward because she won't let it go, accept, forgive, and forget. She remembers constantly, she knows what he is doing daily .. and keeps it a turmoil in her life constantly.
You must quit being the victim. You must accept that .. YES - he did you wrong .. and YES - you loved, love him .. and YES - he had/has another lady .. and Yes - he wanted a divorce from you. This is ALL awful .. but you have got to first accept these things, in order to get over them.
Accept them, to the point where it is not important any more.
Then, attempt to forget, forgive.
You may not see forgiveness anywhere in your future .. but know what? If you could forgive him - then your load would be a lot easier FOR YOU. Being mad, hurts YOU the most !
Do whatever you have to do to meet yourself face to face with these things. Have a long cry. Sit down, write him a long letter (and her, too) .. say everything that comes to your mind .. use every word that you want to use .. don't leave anything out. Then either file the letter, or tear it up. You will be surprised at the release these letters will give to you. For real !! Have your day of mourning for your past life with him .. and for your divorce with him. Do it in a big way, but just do it.
After you have done this, get rid of everything that is a memory of him. If you cannot throw it away, pack it away, and put it in a spot that you rarely see.
DO NOT let other people tell you ANYTHING AT ALL about him. DELETE him completely from your conversations. Let is be known. Just don't hear about him. REALLY put him OUT. Don't be nosey about his life. Let go. For really, let him go.
Make plans, for new things, places, and friends. Get interesting hobbies, do things that make you feel great. Do not sit around, and do nothing. Get out of the house. Do not sit around and brood. Get active, whether you want to, or not.
Work on making yourself feel so good about yourself.
After you have exocised him out of your life .. do not allow yourself to sit around thinking about him. Control your thoughts. If he appears in your think process .. imagine a huge red STOP sign at your nose .. which reprents to stop thinking/harping on him. Think of something else. Don't summons up his lady loves either. Just don't do it.
It will not be easy to do these things .. but if you do them, then eventually you may find yourself caring less, thinking of him less, and being able to let go more. Grow on that.
Be determined to go forward. Be determined to make it go away. "Things" remain in our hearts forever . . because they are a part of our lives .. but we can learn how to control them .. and make them weaker.
It's your choice. The choices we put in our lives, determine our lives.
Best wishes to you.
2007-10-20 17:50:41 · answer #5 · answered by Tara 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Point your heart towards someone new.
2007-10-20 17:35:47 · answer #6 · answered by S K 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋