We have an eight year old child together, and I'm a police officer, so is my husband, well he basically wants me to quit the force because he wants to be the provider in our household, and wants me to watch our daughter, and stay home, i guess because he fears I might get hurt on the job, or something, but I love my job, should I just stay home, even when i know i won't be happy.
2007-10-20 08:17:03 · 54 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I know how you feel as I wanted to make my career in the Ambulance service but some person or persons put in false allegations about me, it wrecked my wish to have a career in the service. That was 30 years ago, and even as a 51 year old man, I still feel sad about the whole affair.
In your case, both of you in the police force, I understand both of your wishes. Starting with your husband, I admire him wanting to be a proper husband to you by letting you stay at home to look after your child, and for him wanting to stand up to his duties as a husband and father by wanting to be the main and only provider to his wife and child.
I am sure you both are American as you use the word mom, in UK its mum.
Re your husband possibly wants you to quit the force incase you get hurt, well I am a father of 2 kids, if I were your husband and in police force in USA where you guys use guns, I would be petrified incase you were injured or killed. Loosing a wife is a tragedy, but if your wife is a mother, then its a double tragedy as the poor child has lost its mother, leaving the father to pick up the pieces.
If my wife died before me, I would want to take my own life as I cannot live without her, chances are I will die before her because I am disabled suffering strokes diabetes renal failure and lots more.
As I said, I admire your husbands wishes, he is only being a caring loving husband and father, God bless him.
Now to you my dear, I also know how you feel, and I understand your love for the career you have chosen and wished to fulfill like me, your stuck in middle, you have your career in police force that you like but on the other hand you have an 8 year old little girl who needs her mum and dad .
With your job in USA being more dangerous due to terrorist threats etc, you are at a high risk of getting hurt or killed, your little girl is now old enough to recognise and remember if anything happened to her mum or dad.
Both of you sit down and talk, He is being a great guy by wanting to protect you and his little girl and to provide all for you both, I feel for you both, could you not get a desk job temporary till ur daughter grows up? that way you will be safe and not endangering yourself. Would any of your family or a trusted friend look after your daughter while you both are working.
Thats all I can say, good luck both of you, be safe, your little girl depends and needs you both with her.
God bless the three of you. xx
Jimmy Disabled Scottish gentleman living in Essex England UK. Ex Ambulance service Ambulanceman.
Please write back to me and let me know howe you both get on.
Dont forget, put yourself in your husbands shoes, would you want to make sure that your wife and daughter is always as safe as can be? and that you want to show your never ending love for you both by being the breadwinner of the family.
2007-10-20 09:31:37 · answer #1 · answered by DIAMOND_GEEZER_56 4 · 5⤊ 3⤋
Well, I don't know how long you have been married, but if the home was bought after the two of you were married or had your first child together then it is equally yours as long as a prenuptual agreement was never signed. You could always file for divorce and have him leave the residence. If this is not an option for you, then you can always pick up and leave, file for a legal separation, file for housing assistance, an get food stamps. As a mother of three, you have a lot of options. If you are unable to get a decent job, you can also apply for assistance for schooling. You will get full benefits and possibly very cheap to free daycare. If you are a single mother, the state will pay for college and the daycare because in the long run it is cheaper to do this than provide welfare and health insurance until the children are eighteen, not to mention the housing assistance. If I were you, I would file the legal separation and change the locks on the house and lovingly pack his belongings. I do not kno what the circumstances are behind your need for divorce, but you have the children and they are entitled to the comforts of home no matter the circumstances. Then I would go to the state welfare office, apply for welfare, food stamps, health insurance, schooling assistance, child care assisstance, and legal aid. You will need the legal aid for the divorce and for collecting child support. If you want to keep the house, I would ask that his child support be just the mortgage payment. If you do not wan tthat, then the legal aid will handle all of that. If you are smart you will make sure you have all of the children's personal things (birth certificates and shot records and SS#) and make sure you have the previous years taxes (From this past April). That way you have all of the neccessary papers to begin any paperwork for the above.
2016-03-13 03:28:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is a control freak. If you are not happy then how can he be happy unless he wants you to be unhappy. Marriage is a two way street. A 60%-40% split. You give 60 he gives 40 and you give 40 and he gives 60 and you end up with a 50-50 marriage. Why shouldn't he stay at home and look after the child. You didn't take all that training to stay at home. You should take turns in doing things. If he is not mature enough to see that then he is not mature enough to be an officer. Does he think that you should also be pregnant,bearfoot and chaind to the sink. The world and roles of woman are changing and if he can't see that, then he had better take some courses in the realities of life. I can fully understand that he doesn't want you to get hurt, but that could be the same for you. Staying at home will not change the fact that something could happen to you at home. The best thing for you to do is be happy for your self and true to yourself, If that can't happen then he won't be happy with who you are. Then you will hear" Your not the same person I married, you used to laugh, and be happy. You've changed." All this because he wanted you to stay home. Think it through really good before you make a decision that will make him pleased and you unhappy.
2007-10-20 08:39:17 · answer #3 · answered by twentyeight7 6 · 4⤊ 2⤋
Have you considered what is best for your daughter? It is about her after all, not you or him.
Personally, I would love to be a stay at home mom.
Edit: I thought I should add a little to this. Since your daughter is in school now, perhaps a compromise would be in order. Can you get a desk job, and just be at home when she's off school? I'd probably go insane staying at home all the time if my child was this old. I had always planned on being at home until they started school, and then part-time work after that.
2007-10-20 10:03:36 · answer #4 · answered by Shayna 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
If he wanted to marry a stay-at-home wife, he should've said so in the beginning. But now that you two have been together for a long time and have a child, he has no right to demand that you completely change your life to suit a role that he wants for you. Don't listen to him.
Well, if the idea of being a stay-at-home mom is appealing to you, go for it; but from what you're saying, it sounds like you don't want that. Just do what makes you happy.
2007-10-20 08:33:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would never give up my job just to make my husband happy. Unless your husband is willing to cut back his hours so he can stay home a couple days of week, then I wouldn't even think of what he's asking you. It's always the women who are asked to stay at home, but there's no reason why your husband couldn't do this. When I stopped working, it was my choice. My husband didn't want me to quit. Anyone can get hurt on the job, male or female, so please sit down with your husband and explain to him that your job is important, like his, and you need to continue to work for yourself. If possible, consider a compromise.. If he works days, you can work nights, or reversed. That way one parent can always be home with your daughter.
2007-10-20 08:34:50 · answer #6 · answered by 2Beagles 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
are you making more than him financially? and were you an officer before you two met?
i couldn't see myself giving up a career i worked hard for because he is feeling insecure.
but i can understand why he may have a problem with your line of work, he doesn't want to see you get hurt or killed which are very high possibilities.
i can tell you now that you will not be happy sitting at home because you love the high risk, rush from being on the streets, getting into the minds of criminals, you love what you do.
not that you don't love your daughter and love spending time with her, you would go absolutely insane staying home playing "SALLY THE HOMEMAKER" (no offense to stay at home moms/dads)
you two need to compromise, maybe you can work part time if that is a possibility. or maybe come out of the fields and do more off the street aspects of the job (maybe detective --too much CSI, LAW and ORDER) i don't know.
or just tell him that he married an officer and knew the risk and that you would never ask him to give up something that he loves and know that he is good at.
it will work out, but you two just need to come up with a resolution and staying at home is not an option.
2007-10-20 08:34:35 · answer #7 · answered by thick and creamy 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Actually your husband is being a very noble person. Cildren that have at least one parent at home and not working tend to be more responsible people in life.
Years ago, Mom's didn't work, and I know the womans lib view on this, but please read on.
When mt parents were children, their mothers stayed home and raised them. Our elders today can actually teach us a lot if we take time to listen to them.
You and your husband need to talk about the burdens of having a single parent income, and decide if it fits into your lifestyles. Then you need to decide if any lifestyle changes that might need to be made are things you both are willing to live with.
Your child will learn your values and not those of a stranger/ outsider to your family. That in itself is the most vital gain. Your child won't be given the thoughts of a crazy Aunt Mary or thoughts and feelings of some other family member who may not have your thoughts in mind. If you child is with a friend or sitter, you really don't know what goes on when your not there, and as an officer you are aware of the potential dangers that face children.
You will be able to monitor your child more closely and guid your child. If you do this, I think the end result will far outweigh the immediate changes. It is really something you and your husband should discuss more deeply.
Although the answers you get here are coming from the minds of those of us who reply, we really don't have the right answers, because they are slanted to our own views. Including mine> honesty<.
2007-10-20 08:29:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
Your safety I think would have something to do with his view. He probably also thinks it would be best for your child. Talk to your husband, maybe you working part time or something like that. It really is hard to say without knowing your family. Did his mom stay a home? Mine did and I wanted my wife to stay at home. The part time thing worked out for us. When she was ready for it.
2007-10-20 08:30:15 · answer #9 · answered by just a man 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you should try and talk to him and understand where he is comign from. If he is being thoughful and thinking about a secure future, you should give it some thought.
If he is bullying you into this, you know, your options.
Making a marriage work requires a lot of maturity and compromise. Be smart and decide what you want.
You can alwayz find another job when you have a marriage, home and a kid. Try and communicate with your husband and make the right judgement. I am sure you are a smart gal.
2007-10-20 08:28:55 · answer #10 · answered by Romi 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sounds to me like he really wants whats best for your family. Have you thought about going part time or maybe still being part of the force in a different division that's not as dangerous? And who knows you may like being a stay at home mom if you tried it! Maybe you can take a leave of absence.What's the worst that could happen? You can always go back.Good Luck
2007-10-20 09:07:57 · answer #11 · answered by carmey1173 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋