(It's the opening to a short story I've been writing.)
“So, what brings someone like you to a place like this?” it was an honest question—it wasn’t exactly normal for someone to be standing all by himself at the Halloween carnival wearing a pair of Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses.
He didn’t give an immediate response but gave this wicked smile as if telling him that he didn’t have time to talk to children. Kaffe wasn’t a child, though, he had turned fifteen eight months ago, plus, the other man didn’t seem to be any older than eighteen.
After a sip of his Styrofoam covered soda, the mysterious man answered, “I’m a demon here to prey on unsuspecting children as custom on Halloween night. Didn’t you know?” Kaffe grinned and decided to play along, “So, Mr. Demon, having any luck?”
“Plenty, I’m like honey to a hive of bees. I just seem to naturally attract them.”
2007-10-20 07:39:58 · 6 answers · asked by [192882] 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Interesting and not bad. This sentence "He didn’t give an immediate response but gave this wicked smile as if telling him that he didn’t have time to talk to children." has too many pronouns in it making it had to read and understand who was who.
2007-10-20 07:45:31 · answer #1 · answered by Pirate AM™ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hey Marlene, try to put all of that into one paragraph and start a new one and extrapolate upon your theme. You are only giving us a taste of your writing prowess and I've seen all of this in your other question.
Try turning your short story into a novel, you heart breaker.
Good luck
2007-10-20 14:54:26 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's a bit rough, especially your over usage of "it" in the first two paragraphs. I didn't get so much mood, and I didn't feel like I was following. Try indulging some more of the scenery and character moods into it.
2007-10-20 14:47:46 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
So far it sounds pretty good. You can take this opener in a number of different directions now.
2007-10-20 14:55:01 · answer #4 · answered by Clint 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That was OK.
I mean I actually read it all which I normally wouldn't do.
So keep writing and you have some serious potential!
2007-10-20 14:55:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It sounds promising. (There are a few comma splices, though.)
2007-10-20 14:47:36 · answer #6 · answered by appalachianlimbo 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋