Please help me...?

Question

Please, please help me. My fiance and I got into in argument last night about past relationship history (previous partners, etc.). It was started by me, but he got into the fight too.

I don't know how to not care about past history and not bring it up. Also, what happens after things that shouldn't have been talked about were. Is this the beginning of the end?

Please help me, I'm so upset.

Answer 1

Uh oh... my husband and I had this talk before we got married and I was surprised by his answers (to say the least). You have to remind yourself that what he did was in his past, before he met and fell in love with you. I'm sure he now knows certain things about you that he wishes he didn't. You must make a conscious effort to let it go and not hold it against him. It is hard, trust me, but it is worth it for your relationship.

I'll also admit that I occasionally bring up his past but all it does is cause resentment on his part for telling me the truth. Try your hardest to forgive his past... one thing that keeps me sane is thinking of the women in my husbands past are ex's, he didn't marry them, he married me. That says a lot right there. Good luck!

Answer 2

There's a good lesson here for everyone. When considering relationships long gone bye, the past should remain in the past. Never discuss old flames with your current partner. Deep down, neither of you really want to know. It is always best to leave that closet door closed.

However, if you have opened it crack, don't make it worst by confessing every minute detail of every partner. This only breeds jealousy. Remember, you may bump into one of your previous partner(s) one day. It's best not to have you current partner know all the intimate details about what transpired with him/her.

I'd suggest apologizing profusely and making a pact that neither of you will ever bring it up again. And establish a penalty if one does. However, don't withhold sex as the penalty. Maybe the offender buys for an evening out...to wherever and whatever the others desires. Dinner and movie, a show (for a her), a sports event (for a he),etc. Be creative and good luck.

Answer 3

Oh sweetie, you fell into the "let's share whatever is on my mind with my fiance".....while good communication is key, it's wise to understand things you need to VENT to your GIRLFRIENDS versus a true problem you need to open up about with your fiance. Unless these previous relationships are still in the picture and interferring with your own r'ship, then I'm not sure what the problem is. Everyone has had previous r'ships period. Those r'ships make you who you are - all the lessons learned, heartbreak, and memories make you uniquely YOU. Now, you love your fiance just the way he is I'm sure so why would you want to take away all the past experiences that made him who he is today? This problem comes down to YOUR insecurity it sounds like. Be careful honey. Even the BEST guy can be turned off by raging insecurities that he can't seem to calm. A good guy will only reassure you so many times before he loses it....and it sounds like your guy lost it a little. Don't worry - you're getting married so obviously you've both made a commitment already in your hearts to be together forever. You may have both said some things you regret but you can't take it away now. The only thing you can do is have 1 final discussion and then drop it. If you feel insecure, talk to your girlfriends. Now, I'm not advocating this approach if your guy is like still seeing his ex gfs every day or something. That's wrong. But if he's being sensitive and respectful to you, then you need to find a way to get over this. I had a similar situation w/ my husband. I couldn't get over his ex. They dated for 4 years a long time ago and they aren't in touch at all. But he's still best friends with her brother which really flared up all of my insecurities. I hated that, in some small way, her family would ALWAYS be in his life. My sweet husband put up with countless tears, talks, etc until he couldn't take it anymore. We had a talk about it and I came to realize I just really had to get over it. His friend can't help who his sister is and they never talked about her when they were together anyway. This woman wasn't any part of his life at all, so I was being so silly. Finally, I just willed myself to stop thinking about it and it worked!

Answer 4

No, it's the beginning of the beginning. What remains is a challenge for you to learn to keep those things that belong to the past securely within the past. Learning it now will save you massive amounts of grief later on. (And as you've already discovered, it's a powder keg issue waiting to ignite if you aren't careful). "How" you learn to do that is largely up to you....maybe it's a simple matter of realizing how many things you stand to lose if you don't get that tendency under control. But it's not nearly as difficult as it seems to you now, and if it helps you to know this, it's a common relationship-saving skill we all have to master. (The same will be true for not rehashing old arguments whenever new ones arise.) These skills often determine the success or failure of relationships over the long haul. You can do this. Good luck to you both.

Answer 5

This is always a tricky subject. I think the best way to approach this is by sitting down, calmly, with him and you need to mutually decide whether talking about past relationships is OK or not OK and then whatever you two agree on, STICK TO IT! If you feel like you have to know about the past then you are going to have to handle it without getting upset. It may be better to make an agreement to not discuss at all or have one LONG coversation and you get all your questions answered and then drop it for good and he can do the same. You really need to resolve it now or it could damage your relationship. But remember we have all done things in our past that we wish we hadn't and things he did before he met you have no bearing on how he feels about you just like your past doesn't change how you feel about him.

Answer 6

it shouldn't be the beginning of the end. if it is...then you guys shouldn't be engaged in the first place. couples argue, it is normal. and when past relationships come into the conversation, it almost always turns out to be a fight. don't worry, it is normal to be jealous of past lovers. just try not to bring it up again. and just apologize for even starting the fight in the first place. as for saying things that should have never been said, well... just apologize and if it is meant to be, you will forgive each other. good luck

Answer 7

When you are in love with a person, you don't fall in love with them due to the past things they have done. You fall in love with them for what they show you today and what they show you your future will bring. Both of you need to forget the past, and I know it can be hard. If not things will become intolerable in discussions like this and it will eventually become the undoing of the relationship.
I suggest that you talk to him and acknowledge that the topic was taboo and that you really would not like to repeat it. Tell him that you are sorry and get on with your lives, together.
His partners and yours, from the past have no relavence on your current relationship, and only bring harm to the current times. You need to forget the past, as does he.

Answer 8

If this past history with other people are no longer in your life then I suggest you try your best not to bring it up. I understand that you said you don't know how to then pray for help from god. He will help you and ask for help in this relationship. It's like anything it takes time, but if it's worked at you'll get results.

Answer 9

It is the end if you dwell on it. What happen before ya'll met is before ya'll met - leave it alone. If you can't take it as a lesson and don't bring it up with the next relationship.

Answer 10

The past is just that, the past. It doesn't mean the future will be that way. Get over your jealousy or your fiance will become your ex-boyfriend!!!