My wife is trying to solve her parent's problems on a daily basis. This is annoying me. How to handle this ?

Question

My wife is a wonderful woman and we've been married for year and a half. We rarely argue and have no major issues. However, my wife tries to solve her parents problems on a daily basis. I can understand if they are health related issues but they are not. She gets involed with their marital problems and all other issues that should be handled by them. My wife and her dad exchange emails on a daily basis. Today I walked in and she was arguing with her mom on the phone. I tried to politely inform my wife that they should deal with these issues themselves and not involve her married daughter. we got into an argument and there goes my weekend. how do i solve this ? I'm beginning to get irritated with my in-laws and rarely talk to them on phone.

Answer 1

Why would your weekend be ruined over an argument - arguments are a form of communication. Try to get over it and don't let it ruin your weekend.

You need a heart to heart conversation with her when she is in a good mood and over a nice dinner or something. Tell her this:

Meddling in your parents' marriage is not fixing theirs and can start ruining ours so how is it worth your time and frustration to be involved? Take a step back and look at the situation. A marriage is between two people not a group of people. The more people involved the more problems so try to back off and concentrate on this marriage.

I would start out by saying things like you are a great wife and you are trying to help out of the goodness of your heart, you don't mean to hurt me but....

Answer 2

Bike Lover sounds perhaps like your wife is attempting to play the Savior for her parents. Speaking with her parents and politely asking them to not involve your wife in their disputes doesn't sound like an option. Maybe you and your new Mrs. need to sit down and have a good heart to heart conversation about what is going on. Talk maturely to each other and put all the cards on the table. She may see what you are saying as being wise and actually pay heed to what you have to say. If not you may have to live with this as a scenario until your wife eventually tires of it also. Best of luck and hopefully your weekend will not be all spoiled.

Answer 3

No matter how old you are you all ways want to see your parents together. I would think you need to stay out of it and let her work this out on her own. In addition It sounds as if her parents are dragging her into this and she is not just sticking her nose into there business. Maybe she can get them to go to counseling and take a break. You might want to suggest that rather then order her off the phone.

Answer 4

I know exactly what you mean. I was the same way for years. Always sticking my nose in my sibling's affairs; trying to help my dad through a divorce; everyone sticking out their hand for money to pay THEIR bills... it was so exhausting. But it took my husband of almost 20 years to move us out of the state away from my family for me to realize that they can all manage without me. I even wrote them all a letter telling them that I will no longer be their personal ATM, when they have money problems they have to work through it, I would be supportive with a listening ear and nothing more...Result: They rarely call me at all. My point is that her family will always be her family, you need to let her know that you are there for her. But also that she needs to look at herself to see why she feels that she has to rescue everyone else. Ask her mother whether or not she feels like her daughter is trying to control her life, or whether she can handle her own issues on her own? Best of luck.

Answer 5

Not much you can do about her wanting to help solve her parent's problems....Too bad they can't solve their own problems without involving their daughter.....Guess the best thing to do is ignore it.....just walk out the door and go find something else to do....If however she is spending way to much time talking and arguing with her parents...to the point that you are feeling neglected....you should probably talk to her....she shouldn't be putting you second to her parents...

Answer 6

you wife is still clinging to her parents
and that's wrong
she has not grown up fully
just like there are momma's boys
so there are daddy's little daughters
who sometimes just don't get it
and refuse to let go and move on
that's her issue
unfortunately you married her
and her attitude with it
you'll see much more of this
unless you begin a firm stance on the issue
and one of 2 things will happen
she'll respect you
or she'll divorce you
never argue with a raised tone of voice
keep it cool calm and collect
never insult her
if she argues aloud, name calls ect..leave
immediately
go our for a ride or something
let her know her behavior is unacceptable
treat ehr as a child and not as adult
when she complains about the treatment let her know
you treat her and respect as one when she behaves as one
be prepared to just leave for a few hours
let her think deeply about her actions and how it affects the marriage
ultimately it very well may lead to lack of intamacy
and divorce
be prepared for both

Answer 7

I believe that you have a very wonderful and very intellectual woman. I hope someday i find one like her. She's to good to be true. You know what she's tough enough to handle her parents problem. She's their willingly and lovingly ready when they needed her.She show her love to her parents and someday,too, when you get older your kids inherit her traits as she does know. Who know someday you need the help of your kids and doing the same her father does. Do you want that your kids,too, will abandoned you if you need their help as the same situation her parens right now? I think you don't want that to happen.
You shouldn't be annoyed, you should be happy that your wife has time to attend for her parents,too. Don't deny her of her love ones. She is highly educated and with high moral values. I salute her for that.

Try to understand her...

Good day!

Answer 8

Your in-laws clearly raised your wife in an atmosphere where there were NO clear boundaries and she continues to think that is normal.

It is NOT normal or healthy for a married couple to involve a child (of any age) in their personal business; it is immature and damaging, as you can clearly see. This is what therapists (and yes, I am a trained therapist) would call emotional abuse--pulling a child into adult matters.

If your wife is not willing to put up her own boundaries, then even your marriage could be in trouble.

First, try to find some information on family boundaries such as the following (see the websites below....and READ all the articles, especially the first one. They will REALLY help):

"A healthy sense of self comes from clear personal and family boundaries. Much like physical structures that define space, boundaries are what define us from one another. Healthy boundaries are integral to how we find privacy, personal respect and our sense of what we as individuals are entitled to. We all need boundaries for our own peace of mind.

Many people have difficulty creating and respecting healthy boundaries. More often than not, an individual's ability or inability to create/respect healthy boundaries is a product of their upbringing. Families that struggle with boundaries tend to raise children that struggle with boundaries, who tend to raise children that struggle with boundaries and so on. Setting boundaries and limits for your child is often a painful experience and requires that a balance be struck between love and boundaries and the enforcement of rules. It is crucial, therefore, that you begin as early as possible to teach your children their physical and emotional self."



"Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.

Healthy: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision."

If you sit down with her and tell her from your heart why you are concerned (her parents' unhealthy boundaries are causing her to feel responsible for them and it is affecting your marriage) WITHOUT anger or attack, she may listen.....and when she sees that you have gone out of your way to find some information and sees herself in the "unhealthy" category, then things can begin to change.

Answer 9

You need to get your wife to understand (gently and very carefully) see that she needs to back off an d let her parents solve thier problems before it starts to hurt your relationship.

Answer 10

Your mom probably has a daughter mother relationship but also best friend type of relationship. It's not unusual for best friends to discuss marital problems. I don't think it should be on a daily basis though.