should i let her have a relationship with my children?

Question

well, my husband of 18mts cheated on me and left me to live with his mistress. i have started divorce proceedings, he is not being very co-operative. child support have added an order to his wages as he was also non co-operative with them. he has had next to no contact with the children and everytime we speak we end up argueing, i have now blocked him from my messenger as im sick of the arguements. he still has my phone numbers and my email address so could contact me anytime. the answer i need is iv told him he can see his children any time he wants but he is not allowed to take them anywhere near his mistress, to which he replied im not going to stop them seeing her she is my life now. so i told him he is not allowed to take them out of the house but he could have them at my here so i can keep an eye on who sees my children. am i wrong to do this? he has said b4 he is willing to never see his children again if his mistress cant have a relationship with them. i think this is ridiculou

the children are aged 3 and 1, my ex husand didnt turn up for our daughters first day at school, we made arrangements for him to come see the kids on a sunday. he came once the following week we all came down with a bug, ( me and our children) i asked him to come help look after them, he said no sunday is my day im not doing whatever u want me to do whenever u want me to" im dealing with another child. i never said this woman could never see the children i just dont think with all the upheaval they have already had they need to be making new mummies and daddies. i had a rebound relationship since my husband left and did not introduce him into the childrens life and im glad i didnt as the relationship did not work out. my ex husband has only been with this woman 5 mths. how long b4 i know its a stable relationship? i have 2 children from a previous relationship and to cut a long stor short in the lat 8 yrs they have had 4 step mummies i dont want this 4 the babies yet.

and just for the record i dont want this liyng cheating scumbag back . i cannot wait for my divorce all i want is what is best for the children am i wrong to think that multiple mums and dads r not what the children need? am i wrong to think he should jump through hoops to have a relationship with his children? i have never stopped him or turned him away from seeing them just said it is not the time for them to be intoduced to the mistress yet. yes the woman will e his wife as he has already propopsed to her and i realise that they r going to have a relationship with her should it really be now?

Answer 1

If his mistress is more important to him than his children, then I'm surprised you want to let him see the kids at all. So, no, you are not wrong for doing that. He already sounds like a despicable man, and do you want your children having that kind of example? Do you want your children to grow up and act like this man is acting now?

Yes, it could get messy in court if he changes his mind about not wanting to see his kids, but if he does change his mind it will probably just be out of spite, so fight it. If he is truly willing to never see his kids again because you don't want suzy homewrecker anywhere near them setting a bad example, then he doesn't deserve to see his kids. A real father in that situation should either step down completely or be willing to go to any length to see his kids. Plus, if he's still using corny lines like 'She is my life now,' it sounds like he's still stuck in junior-high-crush-mode as far as maturity goes, in which case he has even more issues to work out. It sounds to me like he's putting this woman before his kids: Do you want your kids to learn those kinds of priorities?

You may need to be a little cooperative until the courts get into it. Try to at least get temporary custody of them now (Don't know the system where you're at, I believe you've gotta go through the magistrate's office here.) If you get temporary full custody of them, then you have every right to not let him see the kids or to set the terms upon which he can see them, and after that it's all about what happens in court. There's no gurantee it will work out the way you plan in court, but it sounds like you care for your kids far more than he ever will, so you need to do what you think is right. Calm down and really THINK. If he really is good to his kids despite how horrible he is with his priorities and relationships, and you think the kids would still benefit from seeing him, then you should let them see him, and perhaps you could insist on meeting this woman yourself (keep an open mind when you meet her.) If you don't think he will have a positive influence, well, you know him better than any of us do, and you need to fight tooth-and-nail for the sake of the kids to keep him away. You could type for hours and none of us could possibly know your husband any better than you.

Also, I don't know how old your kids are, but if they're mature enough, you may want to sit down and talk to them about it. They may be very confused and need to talk, and you can get their opinion on seeing their dad. If they're not at that age, then do whatever you can to comfort them if they get upset, try to minimize the trauma.

Answer 2

Maybe the time will come in the future when you will need to let the children see him and her together, if they are to be a permanent item. However, you could approach it by saying at the moment emotions are still quite raw and the children are still upset over all that has happened. You're not saying that she can never be with the children but at the moment it is better for him to continue contact and then you'll see in the future, say, 12 months whether the children are more able to cope.

Perhaps at the moment he's seeing your refusal as your way of getting back at him for leaving. I'm sure he wouldn't want to cause your children any more distress than they are already in. How would he feel if you took up with some bloke and within days introduced the children to him as their new daddy? I'm sure he would feel exactly the same as you do now.

Maybe you yourself need to separate your feelings of anger/hurt that you understandably feel towards them both from the protective feelings you have for your children. You don't say how old they are but kids are pretty resilient, a lot more than parents think. They are also far more clued up than most parents think and letting them see her and him together might not be all bad. They will see that you are being the bigger person for at least trying to accept what's happened and not trying to brainwash them AND they will see what a cad your husband has been then can make up their own minds.

Answer 3

I took exactly the same line as you. The woman was half his age, uneducated, from a different culture in which step-children are traditionally abused by the new "mother", and was clearly only after his money. I was happy for him to see them any time, anywhere, but I was not prepared to allow them to come into contact with someone who was unprincipled, had no morality, would at best be a bad influence and at worst would physically injure them. My kids were much older (10 and 12). Unlike your husband, my ex was very willing to agree to my conditions; a part of him was ashamed to have his kids see him with this floozy. The kids and I have since returned to our home country; he has remained in the developing country with his mistress. The children speak to him regularly on the phone and by email.

Answer 4

For what it is worth.....I know you are angry, hurt and feel like this woman should never be around your children. I had a similar situation....what I did and life has been happy for my child and for all those around us. I had to let it go. Let your children see their father with this woman unless there are drugs or other dangers involved. It will be the hardest and biggest thing you ever did....it will be worth it because your children will have less stress and things to deal with. They will adjust better and be healthier individuals because of this.

I have both examples in my life. My ex and I get along, we only talk about our child.....we have 50/50 custody. He is with my friend...they got together one day after I moved out. My daughter loves her and thinks that she is a really great friend...her son comes over to play, they are the same age. My daughter loves my husband and has a great relationship with him...she is a pretty happy kid.

My new husbands children have a manipulative and resentful mom. She doesn't accept the fact that I am married to her ex and happy....even though we met three years after they seperated. They hear things at her house that makes them act out. They are rude, my friends won't come over while they are here. They hate me because their mother has twisted their heads into thinking I am evil. My husband catches a huge amount of flack from the kids and the ex. These kids are really having a hard time. It makes it hard on all.

Which would you rather have your children grow into....well adjusted happy people or manipulative, angry people. It is up to you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It has to hurt. Know that someone else spent tons on therapy to learn this....and has now passed it on to you.

Answer 5

First of all this is about the children and not the mistress i know that you have been hurt by this man cheating on you . he has not sent any child support for the children but, want to be allowed to have his kids around his mistress. If this woman has become apart of your husbands life. He refuses to see the kids because the mistress cant have a relationship with the kids. This is up to him if he doesn't want to see his kids he is putting this woman before his kids this is something. This is your choice not mines and you don't want your kids around this woman it is up to you. By any chance these kids wind up hating you and their father be woman enough to let the kids no why they couldn't see him.

best of luck

Answer 6

My apologies to you first of all. Secondly, I think your jealous of this woman. I think the both of your are gaming your kids. He is going to do what he wants. The damage is done. Move on. Your kids, well, have an equal right to their father as they do you. He is in the wrong for making threats of his mistress over his children (selfish and childish) you are making it more difficult by adding to your stubbornness and jealousy. Ask your children what it is that they want and then the two of you decide. If he decides to stay with this person you can't stop your children from eventually knowing their father. They will find out for them selves in the long run. My advise to you and your ex would be mediation counseling and parental stress classes. As a man who has been in your shoes (both feet) I can honestly give you that opinion. Good luck.

Answer 7

Well---- the children should never suffer or have to give up their Father. Fact is you are both wrong. You have to do what is best for the children--- ALWAYS---- if this woman is going to be in his life then she is going to be in your childrens life as well. The other woman might be a nice person--- the fact that she fell for an idiot is just stupidity, has nothing to do with weather she will care for your children or not. Does she have children? She may be able to offer some parenting skills and advice to the father. Personally when my children are with their father, I would feel better if there were another woman around to make sure everything is being done right and that my kids are being taken care of properly when I am not able to be there to do it myself.

Answer 8

You don't have the right to tell him what to do or where to go with his children. All your doing is hurting your kids because your still jealous and want him back. What if he marries this woman, then what. He can do what ever he wants with his children, and there's nothing you can do about it. All your going to do is keep him from wanting to come and see the kids, and the only ones that suffer are the children. Get over it, he doesn't want you anymore

Answer 9

Unfortunately, you are trying to use this reason to punish him. He has the right to see his children. You do not have the right to restrict who he brings them in contact except if those people are harmful to your children. Unfortunately, she doesn't meet the harmful exception based being his mistress alone.

You need to keep in mind that you are headed to be divorced. He has done you wrong. He is going to have a relationship with someone. With all this in mind, you need to loose this vindictiveness. Don't bad mouth your soon to be ex or his partner to your children. This bad mouthing will emotional scar your children, and your children will see soon enough see your husband in his true light by themselves. It is time to look towards the future for you and your children. Be happy. Live, love and laugh. God bless.

Answer 10

For now, you need to be cooperative. The judge will have the final say regarding the children and what they should and should not be subject to. You need to appear to be willing to work with him, and always let him know you have your children's best interests at heart at all times. I understand where you are coming from here, but the fact is, you will move on and will someday have someone that you will want to be a part of your children's life. The main difference is you will do it the right way, and your husband did it the absolute wrong way. This is a terrible example for him to be for his kids as far as what a husband and father is and is not supposed to do. You might want to remind him of that next time you have to talk to him.

Good luck to you. I promise, this too shall pass, and life will go on and it will also be good again someday.

Answer 11

I think you both need to put your personal feelings aside and think about what the kids need.

They are BOTH of your children, so you should stop calling them 'my children'. Unless him or the 'mistress' are a danger to the children, you have no right to say who they can see or not.

As far as him, it sounds like he is being manipulated by this woman. Of course he wants to see his children...and it should not be a choice of her or them. But then, you sound like you're doing a little manipulating of your own here by forcing on him silly terms.

Again, you guys may hate each other, but put your feelings aside when it comes to the kids. As long as she is not a danger to the kids, let them come to see their father. Hopefully you two will put your feelings aside and work for the best interest of the kids.