tell her straight up??

Question

Well guys, I just got married a couple of months ago, but my mom is living with us, I mean, we dont have a problem with that, shes out all day at work and stuff, but shes getting divorced, so she is not going back to her house because of my dad.
The problem is that she is always bitchin about the way I keep my house...if this is clean, if this is not, if this looks bad...etc. I love my mom to death and so does my husband, but I dont appreciate her telling me what to do anymore, I dont want to hurt her feeling because I know she is going through a rough time..but Im really tired of that.
How can I tell her to stop messing with the way I keep my house without ofending her??

Answer 1

yes, you should just share with her how you feel. not in a complaining way or angry way, but just tell her that when she does or says those things, it hurts your feelings.
Maybe she is just frustrated and stressed out, and the only way she's getting to release her frustration is through her bickering. Divorce is hard. I know i have started to pick on my daughter a little more about little things ever since my husband and i started our plans for divorce. It is difficult.
But let her know, because you dont want your time together to turn into something miserable. Take her out for a walk or manicure and talk about it.
Good luck!

Answer 2

I’m gonna tell you something you won’t like: get her out of your house before your own matrimony ends also in divorce.

Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I have seen it many times and I really don’t understand how people is so blind and stupid (no offense).

Listen, the day you get married, you literally create a new family. At that point, it is your family, your house, your home, and your life.

If your mother is divorcing, well, she needs your support, yes, I agree and I would do that too, but she is like anybody else in your house besides your husband and children: a guest.

So you must set rules while she is there. Those rules are yours and your husbands, nobody else. And no matter how ridiculous or stupid those rules could be, while they are under your roof, those rules are the only rules, the law, and they either accept and comply, or leave.

And don’t even think about letting her stay forever there. Trust me, your husband will divorce you eventually. You must let her understand that this is temporary, and I really mean temporary as a couple of months of so until she can get her own place.

If you appreciate your new home and your new family, you must do what I just told you, otherwise, you will regret it.

And you asked how to tell your mother without hurting her. Well, is hard, but as grown adults, you two should be able to sit down and have a serious talk. Don’t point out details, like “you told me yesterday not to clean the toilet like that and the day before you told me I was wiping the water off the dishes wrong”.

No, you just tell her you understand what is happening in her life now, and that you are there for her no matter what. And that she is welcome to your home all the time. But while she is there, to please respect not only your privacy (as a couple) but also how you manage your family. You welcome suggestions, but that’s about it. She can suggest how to clean the toilet, but is up to you to do it however you want.

And to avoid making her think you are kicking her out, don’t tell her she must get out soon, but tell her that that you will also be more than happy to help her find a new house for her so she can be happy at home. If she takes it bad, well, too damn bad. She is gonna have to start thinking of you as a fully grown adult that has a family and can not baby sit her or keep her under the same roof forever.

Unless she is selfish or still think like a teenager, she should understand and comply. And if she doesn’t, then the next time you will have no option but to tell her directly on her face. Don’t forget, she already made a family, you just started. Don’t ruin yours for her. Deep inside her she wouldn’t want you to either.

Good luck.

Answer 3

.My mother lives with us... I know what you're going through! She's been here for 9 years, and we never would have made it through the first month if we hadn't sat her down right away and explained that there can only be *ONE* "lady of the house".

She was a little annoyed at first... my mom is exactly like yours! She believes in speaking her mind and saying what she thinks! And she's a nit-picker about little things that are meaningless for the most part.

But she's also not stupid, and realized that the only way it was going to work was if she went along with the guide lines we set out for her. First of all. No bitching about my housekeeping. EVER. As for the way the house is decorated, sorry... that's my territory too. Of course, she was able to fix up her room any way she wanted.... paint, wallpaper.. etc. We even set up another room for her as a "sitting area". That way, when she needs her privacy and doesn't want to go to her bedroom-- she has it.

We also made it clear that we were in charge of raising the children, and never to interfere with our decisions, discipline, dietary restrictions, etc. That was a biggie... Grandmas are notorious for spoiling grandchildren, as we all know!

But we also made sure she felt like a member of the family--- which she IS.. of course. She helps me prepare dinner, she helps with housework... but only the things I've set up for her to do. And since she's fairly elderly, there are things she shouldn't do.

All in all, it's worked. We've had our "moments"... most families do... but we all love one another and we make sure to keep the lines of communication OPEN. She understands that if she ever has a problem or if she feels "slighted" in some way, TELL US. It's important to talk it out... and not let issues "fester" and lead to serious family upsets.

One other suggestion: Make sure she has her own phone line. I never have to worry when mom get's on the phone with a gabby friend... it's *her* phone! It's been a sanity-saver!

I think if you really set out the "mother-moves-in" guidelines, and she comes to respect that YOU are the #1 Lady in the house, you'll have a wonderful addition to the household. We love having her with us... :-)

Good Luck to you all.

Answer 4

say it with kindness, she may think she is helping. But it must be said and said by you. Just say it out right and tell her she hurts your feeling by always correcting you. You are aware of whats clean and not and that your taste is different then hers and it always has been and say remember Mom, when you said, that once I got my own home, I could keep it any way I wanted or decorate it any way I want it. Well, I have my own house and I like it how I have it.
But, you would appreciate if she wanted to clean without reminding you it was dirty and say please don't move or say that my home looks bad, it hurts your feelings..

Answer 5

I understand why you have a problem with your mom but remember her job was to show you how to be and do the best you can as a woman and wife. Your mother will always tell you what she thinks your doing wrong just like her mother did to her and like you will do with your kids. You are taking it wrong she really thinks she is helping you. It will hurt her if you tell her to stop so just say to her, mom you got to let me do it my way,you have your ways now it's time for me to learn my way. Say, your my mom and i love you so let me take care of you now it will make me feel so good to do that for you.

Answer 6

Talk to her. Start off by saying that you enjoy her staying with you and your husband and then say that you would appreciate it if she respects how you have your household and that you would do the same if you were in her shoes, maybe then go out to dinner or something so there is no hard feelings.

Answer 7

Something is mixed up there. She's living in your house and should lean to appreciate that fact. If she doesn't like it then it's time for her to go. Good luck

Answer 8

I'd tell her she's welcome to clean this or that if she has a problem with it...and if that doesn't work, try reminding her that she's now living in YOUR house, you're not in hers anymore and she needs to deal with the way you keep your house.

Answer 9

Tell her that you love and you will be there for her during the divorce.But also tell her that you are an adult now, and even though you appreciate her "helping" , you real be grateful if she respects you and your home. This is going to be how it is.

Idk, something like that.

Answer 10

just let her know straight out or she's gonna keep sayin stuff. Tell her its your house and if she don't like the way you keep things then get out.