Snow on Lenox
Beneath a breathe of eider & velvet,
visions & dreams disturbed
He whispers...
look outside my love,
A pleasant present just for you
It’s snowing on Lenox
A serenade of snowflakes
all for you to adore
At this moment angelic, but
Is the world standstill ….or…..was I dreaming?
This I ponder for days…..
Then,
There is a reminder
Of flickering flames and guitar, a melody for memory
Rosy cheeks of endearment say…..
Come outside with me love
It’s snowing on Lenox…
2007-10-19 19:35:40 · 5 answers · asked by christie 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I love your love of the "serenade". 8.5 out of 10. And keep a journal, and keep writing!
2007-10-19 20:09:28 · answer #1 · answered by Your Uncle Dodge! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello Christie,
Beneath a breathe of eider & velvet,
visions & dreams disturbed
You have a nice use of alliteration here. I like the flow and the sounds. I was unsure about “eider” (is it a typo? or did you mean to put a large sea duck in the poem—unless there is another definition for eider I am unaware of).
He whispers...
look outside my love,
A pleasant present just for you
This is nice. I like “pleasant present”. I think you may wasn’t to consider cutting the many ellipses in the poem. Use them sparingly. They become distracting in a work when they are used in quantity like this.
It’s snowing on Lenox
A serenade of snowflakes
all for you to adore
That part was very nice.
At this moment angelic, but
Is the world standstill ….or…..was I dreaming?
You may want to cut some words here. You could probably cut “At”, “but”, “Is”, “was I” (on the was I maybe put in “is it a dream” switching to the past tense hurts the immediacy of the moment.) again the ellipses could be cut here.
This I ponder for days…
I like the ellipses here.
Then,
There is a reminder
Of flickering flames and guitar, a melody for memory
Rosy cheeks of endearment say…..
Come outside with me love
It’s snowing on Lenox…
This is very nice. You could probably cut “There is” without sacrificing anything.
You could probably cut “a melody for memory”
You could cut the ellipses in both places.
I like Rosy cheeks of endearment.
Nice ending.
Nice poem. I hope the critique will be helpful to you. If it isn’t please ignore it.
Best,
Todd
2007-10-20 03:36:08 · answer #2 · answered by Todd 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My friend is a poet, and she places her poems on www.poetry.com for people to judge and if you win I believe you can win up to 10,000 cash.
Poetry is one of those modes of expression which only live performances can display the writers intent.
One of my favorite poets is a Detroit native named Jessica Care Moore. I absolutely love seeing her perform, but I got my hands on her book and needed lots of coffee to get through the chapters. In my opinion poetry is performance art.
2007-10-19 19:50:27 · answer #3 · answered by Lear R 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That's pretty good. Well worded. 8/10
2007-10-19 19:47:18 · answer #4 · answered by Jesse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow..that was so romantic...and nostalgic...
imagine, a snowfall just for you!!!
very dreamy...
2007-10-20 02:48:47 · answer #5 · answered by Karnival Kid 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋