would you stay, knowing its nothing more than friends, or leave knowing he may just be using you??

Question

Its more complicated than the title states really...

We dated for 3 years, lived together for 2. We broke up 3 months ago, when I was 9 months pregnant because he wanted her to be put up for adoption, and I refused. We are still close, and have only regained our closeness after our daughters birth, he worships the ground she walks on, and curses the fact that he ever asked me to give her up. We are now just "friends". He asks me to stay over his place at least three times a week with our daughter, mind you, its only DURING the week. the weekends he still spends at the bar and partying with friends. When we do get together, theres always something in it for him, whether it be getting a ride to work (he doesnt have a car!) or getting a ride to do errands etc. Basically, he gets the benefits of a relationship with me (sleepign NEXT to me, but no...we don't "fool around" at all anymore) without the title or commitment.

He claims he doesnt desire to be with other women either, just that he needs to be "alone'. Im tired of waiting around as his option. I feel like its at the point where I want to be his everything again, or nothing at all. is this crazy of me to expect/ask at this point? Its just that after spending several days with him at a time week after week only to be followed by him going out and partying and totally disregarding me and my feelings is really taking a toll on me. So, is it okay to continue on with the way things are, or should I cut my losses and totally move on (of course maintaining contact for the sake of him seeing his daughter).

Answer 1

Some of these answers SUCK and yes, everyone has a right to their own opinion....but come on....not everyone follows the "Godly" way...and is in the "institution" of marriage when we have children....good grief...I think some people just like to stand on their soap box and be complete jerks...

ANYWAYS!!! You know how I feel about this whole situation Court. I want to see you happy...and if that means cutting your losses, you've GOT to do it. As long as he's a great father, things should be alright. No more rides, no more convenient sleepovers. He is taking advantage of this situation...but I'm sure he doesn't see it this way....most men haven't a clue how their actions are portrayed by the other person. J believes nothing he's doing is wrong....and that comes from immaturity. You're better than that and better than this situation. I know...I've been there and you KNOW this will only get better with time. It's rocky now....I know this....and it's hard to find a true balance of what everyone "should" be feeling and "should" be doing.

Oh, goodness....this is a hard one....but, I think you need to back off from trying to get sexual and just keep it at visitations...keep things ONLY for Savannah and not for the rebuilding of your relationship. Again, I wish I could be giving you much different advice.

Answer 2

I only have a couple of things to say in regards to this. He is not getting the benifit of a relationship from this arrangement and neither are you . Part of a relationship includes a sexual element to it.What you have is a strange friendship arrangement.Having said that the only thiing that matters is,are you comfy with the way it is?By the tone of your question i would assume you are not!Nor would I be!
I once had a very dear friend I loved beyond belief.We had dated for some time and we broke up for what reason i am not sure of.However we remained friends for several years after. She confided in me she told me her inner most thoughts (except about me).She like your guy would invite me over, when things were not going right and ask me to spend the night with her (no sex)Each time I was hopeful this was the time she was going to tell me she was just as madly in love with me as I was her and she wanted to be with me forever.Never happened!I finally grew tired of my heart being broken and found myself not able to handle anymore.What she was doing i found out later was keeping me at arms length. She at that point in time had a commitment issue and had hoped I would wait for her till she worked through it. She did but by the time she did I was already involved with someone else and though I still did and actually do to this day have strong feeliings for her I could not go back.What I am sayiing i think is it really doesnt ,matter what anyone else thinks if it feels wrong to you get out now and stop putting yourself through the pain.If you can handle it then wait on him
The saying, good things come to those who wait may be true but it may not. One last thing dont wait on him for your daughter she will still get the love from him hopefully even if your not in his "picture"
Good luck!

Answer 3

Plain and simple: you are ALLOWING him to use you. As others have pointed out, this is no way to be bringing up your daughter. Your example is not what you want her to be learning from

It doesn't sound to me like you don't really believe he is ever going to change, and worshipping the ground a little girl walks on doesn't constitute qualification for father-of-the-year award. He has responsibilities to both you and the daughter but I'm not sure how you can hold him to them because there was never a legally binding arrangement between you.

Present him with your terms going forward: provide child support and act like a father; no more overnight stays - it's not appropriate; allow visits with your supervision; get on with your life without him in it. Time to move on and provide a strong female role model for your wonderful daughter.

Answer 4

I would say to get out If he is making you feel worthless and rejected at times he wants you and others he doesn't how is he going to treat the child he didn't want in the first place you need to think about your daughter and how this is going to effect her in the long run. She will adjust if daddy is seeing her on visitation but if daddy gets tired of being daddy all the time then the pain she will go through later on will be more harmful. Protect your child set up visitation and stay friends for her sake. But you also need to think of yourself as well what are you teaching her by letting him treat you this way.

Answer 5

When puberty hits your daughter is going to be throwing herself at any man that will take her to make up for the missing father figure in her life.
This guy is going to be gone in a few years so this talk is a moot point. What you are in complete denial about is that you love bad boys that party all the time and you will be throwing yourself at an ****** that will be the father of your second child.
Why did you choose of your own free will to have this guy to be the father of your child is beyond any comprehension.
Stop having such lower standards and respect the institution of marriage.
Where you are now is because you have no respect for the institution of marriage. What has that gotten you? A soon to be absent father that wont pay any child support.
Was the good feeling he gave you in your crotch worth the tremendous risk you are putting your child at? Do you care?

Answer 6

You need to stop staying over because it is giving you mixed messages, and unrealistic expectations. You need to focus on you and your daughter, leave him to do his thing. He is not going to stop acting this way, he is getting everything he wants at your expense! Just focus on making a life for you girls, it will be easier to say no to him. I also think that some assertiveness training with a therapist would benefit you immensely, and you can probably get it for free! Look into it, it can't hurt. ;)

Answer 7

<<"Its more complicated than the title states really...">>

Indeed...

It's amusing when people think they have that *special twist* going on in their relationship when trying to rationalize their foolishness. In reality, your relationship is no more complicated or special than the other million relationships that are going trough the exact same thing.

Is really so hard to figure out that you need to move on? Is it really so hard to comprehend?

If you can't move on for yourself, do it for your daughter. If you're not going to do anything, then enjoy the inevitable consequences.

Answer 8

You ask is he using you and the answer is yes. If he only wants you and your daughter around, if and when its convenient for himself, or when there is something in it for himself, then that's not love, that's being used. And you know that that is true, because of the way you asked this question.
The decision you have to make is "Is this good enough for me, AND YOUR CHILD?"

Answer 9

WHAT A LOSER!!! You need to dump him and work on making a good life for you and your daughter.

Answer 10

Honey, he is using you. I feel sorry for you and your daughter. Good luck!!