Men, book: His Needs Her Needs, I struggle with this , any concrete male reflections ?

Question

In general, I think the info that says sex is very close 2 the top of the list of men's needs & right alongside of that is that the woman is supposed to try real hard to look good 4 the man. This SEEMS so so shallow to me because as a female human I'd like to be valued for who I am, but I know I only see it from a female's point of view. I feel people should be appreicated for the "inside of the cookie" for in a marriage, what is it that really makes it last ?/ I know there has to be love & affection, but if men so strongly desire a good looking woman who is sexy, is that all it takes for a good marriage ? In my mind's eye, in relationships in general & love relationships, why is looks & sex so important or it seems to be like 98% important when isn't it a good hearted, loving, well rounded person that usually makes a relationship work ? i am not at all against sex, but ? men, help ?

A very sexy female, born beautiful has her choice of men, until she is 23 and unmarried and she gets in a fire and her face is badly disfigured, then she is "rejected by men": What changed on her inside, ?? why should she be less liked by men ?????????? shallow ?

Answer 1

I agree that looks have some what to due with attraction, but my last bf was one of those men that if I met him at a bar and he was hitting on me I wouldn't bite because he wouldn't be "good looking enough". But since there was no pressure when we met and I got to know him, he was like the funniest person I had ever met, and that's important to me. Also, he had the best grammar EVER!! I find that so damn hot.

As each day went by this guy got hotter and hotter and sexier and sexier to me. By the time we finally "hooked up" I was so comfortable with him and it was sooo awesome. I never in my life had felt so much passion.

But my belief is that to have a good relationship you have to have a good sexual relationship. People who say, "sex isn’t that important" are sadly mistaken. Women if you gave your man sex whenever he wanted it, you would get the world, and I’m not kidding. We only had one rule when it came to sex. If I said, "I can't" then that was that. No questions asked, no judgment no nothing. I would only say that if I truly couldn't. So if anything sexual had started it would stop immediately and we’d just sit and talk or cuddle on the couch and watch TV.

Having a good sexual relationship gets you all the other things that you want. He’ll remember stuff you ask him to do, he’ll do things for you just because, and he’ll do anything because he knows he can have sex whenever he wants.

Women who withhold sex, as punishment should be shot!!!!!!

Of course all the details need to be worked out and talked about. But if you can talk about all this mind blowing sex stuff then the rest of the things that need to be discussed are easy compared to that.

We discussed it all the time. One rule was he could have me whenever he wanted, but there would be no guarantee I would be into it so he doesn’t drag it out if I’m not into it.

I promised I would never say no to him or punish him buy-withholding sex and he could take me wherever whenever he wanted. But if it started out as a "quickie" but I decided I wanted mine to then he would have to switch gears so I could get mine also.

I got the world. He would talk about anything, and I was rewarded well for that. He literally couldn't keep his hands off me. All his touching was not sexual either. He just always wanted to touch me because we made each other so happy. He knew that I loved being kissed on the forehead, patted on my butt, have him run his hand down my arm, and come up behind me and hug me and just hold me. Sometimes just looking directly into my eyes. He was so beautiful to me.

He'd come up to me and just hold me forever, no talking, no sexual touching no anything. That in turn got me in the mood to always wanting to pleasure him whenever he wanted it.

He only knew all this because I told him, he's not a mind reader, nor is any other guy. Women just do not like to speak up. But he would actually talk about his feelings and what was going on with him. Sometimes he would be frumpy for a day or two and I was okay with that because I knew he'd come back to me and explain it. And he did.

But it was through having completely open and honest sexual discussions that we were lucky enough get to know each other on the inside. It was almost weird because he would ask the hard, intimate questions, and knowing I could never lie to him I would end up telling him the painful truth and then end up crying, but he would just hold me and let me say what I needed to say and if he felt I needed to talk about it more he'd ask more questions, and I'd do the same with him. But he was much better at it then I was.

Men are driven by sex, that's just how it is. You might not like it but it’s a well-known fact. So get comfortable with giving it to him whenever he wants it. Make sure you mean what you say and he knows what you mean. Like the "I can't" statement. I pretty much only used that when I had my period. If I just wanted to be held, I would ask for no sex just cuddling. Again, saying what I really wanted.

I came up with that “I can’t” statement because I didn’t want to go through that damn guessing game. If I said no, he’d be like why, and I’d try and get him to figure it out. So one day I said here’s what I’m going to do. If I say “I can’t” it means I can’t because I have my period and I just don’t think you need as much information about my period as I do, unless we are trying to conceive. He totally agreed and loved the idea.

If we had such a great relationship then why did it end?? He went to Iraq and I saw him going down the tubes the longer he was there. Stuff went wrong at home here, while he was there so it was like we both helped each other through dark times.

We were just two ordinary people put into an extraordinary situation. When he got home he just fell apart and I stayed as long as I could. But eventually he began taking his PTSD out on me, which was okay, but he kept crossing the line into emotional abuse.

So I decided that he needed to get the help he needed without me there to make everything all better all the time and vice versa.

I was going through my own crap and I would look to him to distract me from the things I needed to be working on. So simply put we started becoming distractions as we both where working out our own emotional baggage.

So we parted ways, for now. Who knows what'll happen in the end. I don't. But if we don't get back together then we at least we helped each other through some dark times and learned that we could find someone that would have the same views as we did. Though hard to find. It's out there.

PS: Remember these are simply my views of what I've learned has worked for me in the past. You have to neither agree nor disagree. My feeling is whatever works for one persons might not work for another.

And I wanted to ad that this will only work if BOTH partners agree on this, or any other concept. If only one person is doing al the talking and the other is taking all the sex and your are not getting what you said you wanted/needed then that is not what I'm talking about here. There are people out there with these same views and it just takes time to fin them.

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Answer 2

Are you saying that as a woman you never look at another man's appearance? Your never turned on by your husbands face or his body?? That's just not normal. Sex is a physical act. There is no way around that and no amount of love can take that very basic fact away. Love can do many things, but it can't make the sky pink, nor can it make sex a mental/emotional act alone. The physical world does matter during sex. Even the pleasure, the orgasm, that we get from sex is phsyical. Don't tell me you can orgasm from simply feeling the love in your heart, because that's a blatant lie.

Now, that being said, you don't have to look like a super model or an actress, you just have to make sure you don't let yourself go completely. When you have a baby, don't gain 50 plus pounds and rant and rave about how the body changes after pregnancy (it does, but not that much!!) Try to keep yourself in shape, find at least an hour a week (in 20 minute intervals) to exercise. The more in shape you are, the better your sex life will become.

Men don't need just a pretty face or good body just like you don't need the most handsome man in the universe, but how would you feel if your husband developed a big beer gut? It's ugly and it gets in the way during sex! To deny that looks and your body matters is a load of crap.

Answer 3

A lot of it is really wiring. Despite the political incorrectness of saying it, the brains function differently. Because of this, men and women TEND (not always) to think differently. Men TEND to respond more to visual stimulation than women...not that women don't, but men do even more than women. Women TEND to be more cerebral, intuitively, than men.
Man sees, responds, wants, maybe acts, very short process. Woman sees, the two halves of her brain access one another fairly seamlessly and without knowing it she accesses everything she has ever experienced. She thinks about her likes, her dislikes, good and bad experiences. She starts evaluating what kind of guy this is and his suitability for a long term relationship. For the woman this is a fairly short trip to this evaluation. If he's a loser, he doesn't get the time of day. For the male it's a different kind of short trip. Lasting relationship-wise, a smart man and a smart woman will do fairly identical evaluations, just in a different order. The man is often just "doing" the relationship thing and is trying it on a while until at some point it dawns on him that he really wants to be together with this woman permanently. The woman has done some of the heavy evaluating up front, hasn't moved on and is growing more attracted to guy because of his "good qualities". The man was attracted most to the woman in the first place. Over time a smart man will value the relationship more and more and both people will invest effort in pleasing and trying to be attractive to one another (inside and out.)

Simply put..
Man sees an oreo, looks good to him, he eats the oreo, he finds out how good the oreo really is in total, he decides he wants oreos all the time.
Woman sees the oreo, looks good, she wonders what's inside and whether it's really any good, she checks out the ingredients and decides "chocolate, sugar,etc.) to taste the cookie, she thinks about it some more before deciding to eat it, let alone buy a case of them.

Answer 4

No, we are not all about sex. But yes, we have it stuck in our brains very badly.

You have to remember that we guys have a very big problem with our hormones: they make us want sex most of the time. Is not like we want it to be like that, it is just there, embedded in our “program”.

When we are young, of course all we want is to get into your panties. But as we grow, we become mature (at least we all should but is not really the case for everyone.. hint, hint), and we get to understand things better, get to know women better, and learn to appreciate many things that we didn’t even know existed before.

There are lost of guys out there that will go crazy for sex, but also that will give you all the care, love and respect you deserve.

Just to give you an example, many think that a sexy girl is the one that wears a mini skirt with a semi transparent tight top and clear high heels. But that is not being sexy, that might be hot and would probably drive any guy crazy, but I do not think that is being sexy.

Sexy is to be confident. If you love your body and yourself, you will be sexy, no matter if you wear baggy jeans and a baggy t-shirt or the most erotic and provocative piece of lingerie.

I can tell you for my own personal experience, that when I was young, I would date anybody that look good. But later on, I would choose who I would date, I would have to share time with that girl before trying to get into something serious. And now, if I would have to date again (I am marry and very happy), I would probably have to have a psychological exam with me to give to each girl… lol I would not date anybody that is just into looks, or sex. She would have to show me she is smart, fun, confident of course, and honest. Pretty much how my wife is. That is why I am with her.

But hey, don’t get me wrong, sex still is one of my very top priorities, and we both go crazy in bed and do things I can not say her in Yahoo Answers.

Hope this helps. Just be yourself, be open minded, honest and confident. Guys will come to you. Trust me.

Answer 5

A happy indeed marriage, is more than a good looking; or sex desires.A happy marriage is made with moral values,honesty,sincerity,being confident,having a good understanding and having a good communication;between husband and wife.It is not made for having a good looking in the couple.There are thousands of good looking couples,who have a living hell marriage;because they do not have moral values,and good communication.What you say is 100% right.

Answer 6

Most relationships start on physical attraction because you don't know them at first. So you have to be attracted to someone first by the way they look - then you get to know them!

You may see 'attractive' as being a certain way, however I'm sure there is someone that would also see you as 'attractive' in a certain way. Get my drift?

One person's view on an "attractive woman", doesn't count for every man out there!