I seem to be stuck in this pattern of being attracted to--and attractive to--the unavailable?

Question

Loners and "free spirits" who come on real strong at first. Then they slip into a pattern of addictively emailing me or calling me, but somehow keeping themselves at distance. They love corresponding with me and talking on the phone with me, but I want someone who wants to be with me. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I'm on a time-out fr. dating to heal and do some soul searching. This is what I have noticed ab. my recent dating history. I already know that, as Melody Beatty puts it, I can be attracted to the frog and not jump into the pond. What I want to know is this: How can I change this tendency altogether? Fix my radar, so to speak? Or can I?

Looking back, I can see that the best relationships I have had in my life were with guys I initially was not attracted to, in that special way, at all. Guys who knew what they wanted and made time to put some positive energy into the relationship.

I have a great life, overall--that I want to share w/ someone special.

Almost the full gamut: workaholics, players, womanizers, loners, Peter Pans, guys who suddenly want to be buddies but who still cling to me, etc. All just dif. forms of the same problem: emotional unavailability (and possibly immaturity). I wind up feeling more like a mother, big sister, best friend, social worker, or therapist. I am very nurturing, but I know I have to change what I am doing or how I am with men--or where I go and how I choose them.

Answer 1

As a man let me try to answer what I seem to see as your problem. I have been married for 37 years. I have seen lots of women who find a man, any man, and see him as a project. Oh, they will love him and probably marry him, but they think because he needs to be better they can change him. Women do this a lot more than men. People tend to forget that what you see is what you get. To me you sound well educated, very able, and yet semi hard to please. Now I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean you have set your bar so high no one can reach it. But never compromise your principles in order to satisfy your needs. I hope I said this right and wish you well in your search.

Answer 2

There could be a number of reasons for being subconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Are they womanizers? May have other women? Unwilling to commit? "Bad boys?" Do you find yourself competing for their time and attention? It could be because of an unresolved "Oedipus complex." Was your father emotionally unavailable/cold to you as a child? Your subconscious is putting you in similar situations in order to resolve the past unresolved issues. For instance, if your dad left your family for another woman, you may seek out to find a man that's a womanizer, you only want to beat the competition, even though you don’t want the prize once you have it. You may think you do, but once you cross that bridge, you get cold and bored. It's really a complicated process and I'm not a shrink---but it would help if you looked it up and read about it.

Also, this usually comes with you having subconscious fears of commitment and discomfort with intimacy. You can’t find a decent, single man because you won’t let yourself. You are miserable not because you can’t have a particular man, but because you are longing for something you will not permit yourself to have.

I know I got all over the place. My mind is tired, so I'm not particularly organized in my thoughts, although I know exactly what it is. I hope it helps and it's great that you're doing some soul searching. It's better to remain single than repeat the same unhealthy patterns :)

Answer 3

I am reminded of a person checking the ground under a street light when a second person walks by and asks what he is looking for. " I lost my wallet" the man replies. "where did you lose it" "half way down the block" the man replies. "why are you looking here then instead of there? The man replied, "because the light is better over here"

It could be that, like that man, you are looking in the wrong places and need to look somewhere different than you are now in order to find the man looking for you there.