take my heart
and turn it black,
despite the love it lacks
take this heart
and kill it now,
then maybe you'll understand how i felt
i tell you now
my darkest vow.
let my sorrow take me over,
like you did when you weren't sober.
take this soul
and crush its hopes
along with its ability to cope
close your eyes to see the black
what lies beneath is the faith i lack
screaming inside,
bleeding on the out
i will die here,
alone with my fear
crying in the dark
my black staked heart finally breaks
i bled for my sorrow
i bled for my freedom
you cried for me
i died for you.
maybe now you can see,
just how selfish a person can be
it seems really depressing. what do you think i should fix to make it more poectic, and less psychotic.
thanks!
2007-10-19 15:16:47 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Basically, I like it.
But when I was reading it, it didn't seem to have a flow or beat.
When you can read a poem with a beat, without stumbling over any words, then it has rhythm.
2007-10-19 15:20:30 · answer #1 · answered by bardoi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
O___O
Wow.
That was very good, for real. If you're happy with the way it is, I'd just leave it as it is if I were you. It might sound depressing, but that really creates the mood of the poem, and I really like it.
10/10
2007-10-20 04:13:16 · answer #2 · answered by këlly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take a little advice from a writer: don't compromise your art.
What you put into words is uniquely you, and it is seriously lacking in the world today. Most people that write look to fill some sort of perceived mold for their writing. To write from the heart, to put your feelings into words and express them as genuinely as possible, is the greatest asset that you can have in writing.
2007-10-19 17:36:58 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
the poem was good. but the syllable useage within a stanza gives it a flow that is hard to follow when reading.
Keep tryin and you'll get better. I give it a 7/10
2007-10-19 15:23:17 · answer #4 · answered by arcadian4life432 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it. I think it really expresses the desperation you feel and strongly gets the intended reader to see your thoughts and feelings. I personally believe a poem like this should not be TOO poetic. It takes away the raw emotion.
2007-10-19 15:21:17 · answer #5 · answered by lucym 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is depressing. But I love it. It is simply amazing. I think that lack is over used a little. Try something new ( by that I mean a new word).
2007-10-19 16:43:11 · answer #6 · answered by Marissa G 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really nice!
Don't fix it ethier, I've written depressing poems and if nobody likes them because they're too dark etc, then stuff them I say because I don't change my poetry for anyone at all.
2007-10-19 15:25:52 · answer #7 · answered by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No I think its good and don't change the theme, it creates a good mood however fix up some of the flow in the middle.
2007-10-19 15:20:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like the message. I really prefer poetry with rhyme and meter though. Keep writing, you have a lot to share.
2007-10-19 15:21:34 · answer #9 · answered by nursesr4evr 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its a really good poem! You should probably add something like, " I loved you" or someting like that. Well good luck.
Oh, and by the way, Youre a really, really good poet!
You have a talent!
2007-10-19 15:21:55 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋