My divorce from my wife (or may as well be her damn interfering mother) has been finalized.
Should I go and party, get depressed, or just go to bed and forget about it? There's a lot of anger about the mistreatment I've endured at the hands of her family (and her supporting their abuses, not just against me but the kids too) - but I still love her also.
What do you folks reckon?
2007-10-19 13:22:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Extra detail for those curious: The truth is, I'm not (and never have been) the partying type, sadly. But going out for a good meal sounds bliss!!!
I have forgiven my wife's ... blindness, but after the tricks her so-called mother has pulled, I just cannot believe I will ever forgive her misdeeds. They range from lying to my ex (mother of 2 bio-kids) in attempt to sabotage my relationship to them so I could, in her own words "focus on her grandchildren" (1 bio-kid & 2 step-kids), as well as lying to my wife frequently. Wife's problems were knowing her so-called mom was lying (even acknolwegding it openly) but refusing to do anything about it...ever. and just sitting idly by as she continued to pour toxicity into our marriage.
Mentally, I have progressed leaps & bounds since we've departed company, especially the lack of interference in my life from the mother outlaw creature.
I can put on a good sharade of being extrovert, but I am more introvert by nature.
2007-10-19 13:39:02 · update #1
Eeeek!!! Jennifer B, I'm actually Teetotal (or however it's spelt) but, tonight, I figured I deserved a drink. I'm on my 2nd can and not feeling it- but, I'm also not out picking fights with drunken louts. I'm just at home, moping around, feeling rather distant at this moment. As I said, I don't drink usually - my only Sin, of that nature, is that I do smoke, rather a lot.... O_o (no no, not drugs - just cigarettes)
2007-10-19 13:45:42 · update #2
mafiosu :
Good advice (I say that, genuinely spoken), however, the Mother Outlaw spent the entirety of our marriage pointing out every possible bad thing about me you can imagine...some weren't even real - but hey, that never stopped her spinning a yarn.
I know my wife is to blame for some amount, and I recognise I too hold blame in some amount - but the Outlaw holds the maxium amount.
As an indicator of the type of animal she is, while my own Mother was dying of cancer (secondary, lungs, liver & bowels) she (outlaw) told me it was all an act, it was a pity act, it was manipulation, noting wrong etc. etc.
I genuinely think the outlaw is mentally unstable...
2007-10-19 15:13:01 · update #3
Congradulations! You should do something for your self because I am awaiting the day when mine is done after two and a half years of it dragging on and on because she refuses to settle it and share custody and fights me tooth and nail over every single thing you can think of. I figure mine will be done by March maybe latest June which would make it three years. When mine is done I think I will jsut go to dinner or something. Hopefully I will have full custody at that time as well.
I can relate to what you said about growing leaps and bounds mentally and physically. I am doing soooooooo much better with out her around.
2007-10-19 16:47:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are angry and bitter, and that is pretty normal after a fresh divorce. But, it's also unhealthy. Hate and angers eats YOU up much more than anyone else. You have to "let it go." If you can't do it on your own, find a good therapist to listen to you rant until you get it all out. If you can get to the point where you can be kind and polite to each other, even for the sake of the kids, you will have succeeded where many fail. No marriage is made in heaven, and it takes TWO to make the marriage work and TWO to help it fail. One person can cause a lot of damage, but usually both are partly responsible when the marriage fails. Stop blaming that mother-in-law. Your wife is to blame if she chose to listen to her mother over you...not the MIL. How can you still love a woman who let her family abuse you? That's terrible behavior! And YOU let her get away with it all! There's nothing to celebrate. You have a divorce and that's like the end of the line and is sad. Take a warm shower, get a good night's sleep, and find a counselor to talk to for a couple sessions until you can feel released of your anger and pain. I'm really sorry you have to suffer this.
2007-10-19 20:58:28 · answer #2 · answered by Wiser1 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all acknowledge that you have every right to feel the way that you do. Next seek out help if you need it and, or feel that you do. Perhaps you could call a person that you trust and have him over.
Fourth know that you will heal and become whole again. No worries about your ex wife a part of you may always love her; you unfortunately had an interferring mom-in-law and those are the worst kind. Well, be thankful you are out of that situation.
Oh and by the way exchange the booze for bottles of water, much healthier and when a person is down in the jaw as you are water's the best thing. Eat a well nourished meal lotso of fruit and veggies. Even drink some cow juice.
2007-10-19 21:42:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have a lot of anger to work through & seeing a therapist would be a good idea. It'll help to talk & get things off your chest & you'll learn how to channel that anger when it creeps back into your life. In the meantime, enjoy your freedom. The last thing you need right now, is to jump into another relationship. It's way too soon for that!!! It'll be very difficult for you to trust again, so get your head on straight first. You can't go to bed & forget about it, but you can ask yourself what you want to do with your life now. Make the phone call to a therapist or ask your family doctor for a referral. All the best to you.
2007-10-19 21:30:10 · answer #4 · answered by Shortstuff13 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
before you do any partying... the anger even shows through your short question.
Get counselling... seriously. It will help you deal. with everything.
You won't ever be able to be comfortable in another relationship for any number of reasons until you get someone to talk you through all the crap from this thing.
That you still love your ex says a lot. She is the mother of your children and so she will NEVER be completely out of your life if you have chosen to be an active father and co parent.
The counselling will at the very least help you have a civil relationship for the sake of your kids. They MUST come first.
Go... do it!
and good luck.
2007-10-19 20:27:54 · answer #5 · answered by teritaur 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I can relate to your problem, as I have been through it. First, don't get drunk, as you might do something that you would regret later. You need to be quick to forgive, both from a Biblical prospective and for your health. Give it time, and try not to dwell on it. You won't really ever be free, but it is closer when children are legal age and can be on their own. Some Psychologists recommend being single a number of years (7) before starting another relationship (to get rid of baggage on both parts).
Try to focus on positive things, you have more freedom to do as you wish. If you like, go out and have a nice dinner.
2007-10-19 21:04:24 · answer #6 · answered by RB 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I've been through 2 divorces...and neither one made me feel like dancing. Lets face it, it's the end of something that you thought would be forever....but for whatever reason, it wasn't. You shouldn't be too quick to celebrate. You've been through one of the hardest phases of your life. Take some time to reflect, and relax.
Ultimately the problems in between you and your ex-wife were...between you and your ex-wife. You two are the ones that suffered the death of a life together. Just rest a while and next year on the day your divorce was final...if you feel like dancing a jig....go for it. Let the healing begin!
2007-10-19 20:36:06 · answer #7 · answered by shellib81 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Officially free Hmmmm sounds more like trapped with yourself. Its hard being single again the one thing I have learn that you have to find happiness within you first before you can move on. Find things that will keep busy and active and avoid relationships for awhile have a small pity party but don't let it turn inward get help when needed. Good luck
2007-10-19 21:19:36 · answer #8 · answered by chancesare45 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I feel your pain and rejection and frustration, my friend. It will not be easy to just let it go, but for the sake of your own mental health, I would suggest picking up the pieces of your life, and going thru another door. Keep the past in the past. For the inner healing you need, you ought to forgive all who hurt you. You may not feel like doing this but it is possible thru an act of your will. Take care of yourself, eat well, go to a good Bible church and make some Christian friends. God loves you, and I truly send you my very best wishes during this troublesome time. This will pass, in time. Please, make some good choices, and determine not to let this destroy you, to steer your life. You are in the driver's seat of your life, and you CAN steer down a different road now,,,,and you can learn to be happy again. Still loving her? My heart aches for you, but you do need to let go......may God be with you.
2007-10-19 20:33:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
What you might want to do is think about what mistakes you made in the relationship. You sound like me when I first divorced my ex. I was an expert at what his faults were. If anyone wanted to know (which they didn't) everything that was wrong with him I was the one to ask. However, knowing all that I still wasn't satisfied. It wasn't until I started looking at my own behavior that my life really turned around. I started thinking about what I did or didn't do to get myself stuck in such a bad situation. After all, it didn't matter what was wrong with HIM because he wasn't in my life anymore. The time to start getting to know yourself better is today. Put off celebrating until you really feel free.
2007-10-19 20:57:12 · answer #10 · answered by mafiosu 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋