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Mourners

Final prayers have been said.
Hugs given, tears shed.

Their pieties performed, they turn to go,
Yet everyone among them has to know
That they'll be back again another day
But will not have the skill to walk away.

2007-10-19 10:05:07 · 19 answers · asked by dogge 2 in Arts & Humanities Poetry

Regarding the word "skill" in the last line: That word was deliberately chosen as being surprising, uncomfortable and one no one else would have thought of. Dogge barks to is own rhythm.

2007-10-19 10:29:11 · update #1

19 answers

i like it :)

it's well written and powerful. star.

2007-10-19 10:07:17 · answer #1 · answered by cast.no.shadow 5 · 0 1

Here is a modified version I thought of for you:

Final prayers, they have been said
Hugs given, the tears were shed

Passionless pieties performed
Quick spin on heels, turn to go
Yet all among them duly warned
Fate will step back soon, it's so
Spun far away, won't break away
With stolen skills, no light of day

It shows a sense of motion, flow, you can visualize them moving quickly. You can hear their steps as they spin on heels, then fate steps in at the end. Obviously, your idea is great, love it, but you need to be choosier about your word choices. In your version, at least I think you can change to:

"That they'll be back ANOTHER day - too many words, lacks rhyme and flow"
"But lacking skills to walk away".
"But skills never to walk away"
"Skills will be none to walk away"
"With stolen skills, unable to break away"

2007-10-20 07:04:03 · answer #2 · answered by August lmagination 5 · 0 0

It is pretty good until the last line, which is extremely important in a poem that is meant to leave a lasting impression. Sorry. Hope you figure it out, I can see several different great lines that would better suit the poem, but it is your work and you should keep it the way you like it.

2007-10-19 17:35:51 · answer #3 · answered by momfirst101 4 · 0 1

It is very good but I wonder about your word choice in your last line. "Skill" perhaps ability would be better or cleverness. I would work through the thesuarus and dictionary and find the exact word that portrays the meaning I intended.

2007-10-19 17:18:12 · answer #4 · answered by Richmond C 3 · 0 1

Good. Alter and try the lines as follows:

Hugs been given, tears shed.

Without the skill to walk away.

See if that bounces better. I really think it's a good poem.

2007-10-19 17:09:46 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 2

Instead of "everyone among them has to know" what about "everyone among them must know"
And instead of "that they'll be back again another day" just "that they'll be back another day"

The last line doesn't fit well, but I have no suggestions.

Anyway, please don't take it hard, just my thoughts which I gather is what you were looking for anyway.

2007-10-19 17:12:08 · answer #6 · answered by BabyLuv 3 · 0 1

I love it... A friend of mine just had his grandmother die a few days ago... I think I'll give it to him.. If that's alright with you... I never been good with words when it comes to people passing away.. Thanks for the poem... Real good! You get an A++++

2007-10-19 17:10:02 · answer #7 · answered by Sadgirl 1 · 0 1

Everything but the last line, maybe try "without the courage to walk way" or something like that.

2007-10-19 17:08:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 2

That is the first one I have seen here on Yahoo that I liked. It conveyed strong ideas very well. Send us some more.

2007-10-19 17:08:37 · answer #9 · answered by Rich Z 7 · 0 1

Don't rhyme.

At least not in couplets.

You have a gift for narrative; focus on the narrative.

2007-10-19 19:37:32 · answer #10 · answered by Nathan D 5 · 0 0

Its the truth, its simple and direct and understandable.
Prayer is unless because god doesnt give a rats a##@

2007-10-19 17:09:43 · answer #11 · answered by bilbobagsend 6 · 0 1

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