I need help! Please read!?

Question

I have a predicament...

I'm 21 years old and still in college. I got married when I was very young (~19) to a man that I still care about and have feelings for... We met in High School. He was my first and I was his.

The problem is, I don't think I'm IN love with him anymore. He's a different guy from when I first met him. Now that we're living together and married for almost two years his "other" side is starting to come out and I don't like it. His unbelievably short temper, demoralizing remarks and laziness are starting to get to me. I've had enough of being the only one putting an effort into the relationship and I've expressed my concerns numerous times only to be told that "That's the way he is" or "I should help him change". Unfortunately, he doesn't WANT to change and it's frustrating as hell. I used to be a happy person, but now I'm filled with anxiety, I'm depressed all the time, and worst of all, I feel guilty for it. (cont.)

Now there's a guy in one of my college classes who seems to be every bit my perfect match. He's a pre-med major, he's smart, successful, he respects, me, as well as my opinions and other women. I feel comfortable around him and we were getting close until I told him I was married. Now he's started to back off.

We've spoken on the phone a few times but just about class projects and stuff. I don't know if he likes and respects me just because he thinks I'm a good person, or because he was sincerely interested in me. I am SO confused!!!!

I am dead set against cheating, and I don't think I would ever consider it while I'm in a relationship with my husband, but I can't help feeling that I would be so much happier with a new guy.

When I'm with him, I feel light-hearted, and loved. When I'm home, I just feel depressed and grouchy. I don't know if the feelings I feel for him are mutual or not, but I know that I look forward to life when I'm around him and I haven't felt

that way in a long time. I don't know if I can stand to break my husband's heart, but I don't know if I wan't to waste away in a relationship that's not working either. His bad attitude is taking me down with him. I really need your help. Any input is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

By the way, there are no kids. But I do debate staying because there are the good times. (Few and far inbetween, but they're there none the less). I'm also pathetically dependent on my husband until I get out of college (2 years left!). So I don't know what to do.

By the way Valerie, you stupid little twit If you had read the question you would realize that I'm NOT looking to cheat. And I would never even consider it while I'm in a relationship with my husband, but I'm unhappy and wondering what I should do. Now I've seen what it's like to be around company that has brains (unlike you...) I'm feeling respected. Something I've never felt before and I'm feeling a little lost. I think I'm entitled to that. Keep your opinions and smart remarks to yourself... IDIOT.

I'm sure you know everything, Valerie. Keep telling yourself whatever you want to hear. You're just making yourself look like a fool, and I'll be laughing the whole time.

Answer 1

Hon, if you are having marital troubles, stick to solving that issue before you dive into another relationship with the potential of causing yourself another potential heartbreak and disaster.

Figure out what you want to do about your marriage. Let your husband know you can't live like that anymore and let him know how you feel, in as calm and rational a way as you possibly can. Perhaps if you give him conditions, he may work to change. It's hard to tell unless you try.

If you decide to separate, you really need to take time out for YOU. Readjust to life, grieve your losses. This takes time, not just a few days or weeks. For some, it can take a couple years. And a person who just comes out of a marriage, and rushes right into another one is looking for validation. They want to reassure themselves they are still loveable. Once they've proven this to themselves, the new relationship usually sours -- look up Rebound Relationships, to see what i mean.

I understand the depression and unhappiness when you are with someone who seems to have "changed". Taking care of YOU is your first priority. Get done with schooling and figure out what you want from life. Set personal goals, and find happiness from within -- because that is where happiness comes from... WITHIN yourself.. not from a guy.

take care.

Answer 2

OK ms Mustang chill the attitude a little hey.

Your coment to Valerie may have been justified in your eyes but when you actually state you would never consider cheating on your husband , you already have considered it by thinking that because your marriage has a hit rough spot you'd be better off with a new guy , so just thinking that way could be taken as a form of cheating , looking at it maturely not as a child.

You married when you were 19 , thats very young to commit to someone , everything your seeing in your husband is what you wore blinders to when you were courting and marrying and the 12 month honeymoon period of your marriage , he's a guy so he was on his best behaviour , what have I to wonder is how old was he and who proposed marriage to who at that young age , what was the motivation and need for marriage so young.

Your in college , your stressed , you need to take a breath and re-evaluate your life , marriage isnt a game you play for 2 years then when it gets hard you run , as to the excuse thats the way he is and you should help change grab a book hit him over the back of his head and say now change.

The only people who make themselves happy are the ones bringing the drama into the relationship and your as guilty as your husband because your not mature enough to keep other guys out of your head and keep your love and loyalty to your vows.

Seek counciling singularly so you can understand why you run from problems and issues instead of facing them and not bringing a 3rd party in.He wont have respect for you being pre-med if you leave your husband believing this new guy is what you deserve because he isnt.

Answer 3

First off if he was your first and you was his first then you didn't have enough time and experience to know what was good and what was bad. Then you jumped in and got married at 19 or less. Neither of you had time to "sew your wild oats".
Now he feels trapped as do you. What you are seeing now is only the beginning. The worse is yet to come. You are both still young enough to say "OK it was a mistake". Now you need to fix it.
Sit down with him, tell him exactly how you feel, he probably feels much the same. Agree on a separation for 6 months. See how it is being apart from each other. If at the end of that time you still both feel the same, then apply for and get a divorce.
If there is no love in the marriage, then other options are not going to work well such as counseling. You both need to be honest and go from there.
There is no disgrace in admitting we were wrong or made a mistake. The disgrace is in staying together and trying to make something work that in the long run probably won't work

Answer 4

Welcome to the real world. I think alot of people go through the same thing you are going through right now. I kinda feel the same myself. That is the main reason why I think people should live together several years before they marry or have children. Relationships go through ups and downs and the "other" dude that seems so appealling to you would very likely turn into the same type of situation once you have lived together. I think people see another person's "best" when they first get together then realize later that we are all human and have our annoying quips. I also think guys have a tendency to get so comfortable in a relationship that they don't appear to care when they actually do. Men don't think the same as we do but I know you already know that. The best advice I can give is for you to try not to rely on anyone else for your own happiness. I try to tell myself that also.
It seems the more you try to talk and fix things in your relationship because you want them to be right, the more guys think you just gripe all the time. Sorry, but I realized my answer isn't helping much! :) Try to put forth effort and not talk about your problems as much. Hope it all gets better for you. I don't believe in cheating either but keep in mind the grass only appears greenier on the other side.

Answer 5

hi, what a predicament!! first, if you're going to leave your husband, don't do it for another man. do it for yourself, and date around before getting married again. don't just do it, because you are attracted to this new guy. also, think about your relationship with "new guy" years down the road; is it possible he could end up similarly to your current husband? if i were you, i would try to space myself from this guy before you start developing feelings for him. give it another shot with your husband, and get some counseling! make sure you give it your all before you end the marriage. if you don't do this, you will always wonder and possibly regret not trying harder. once you've done everything to save your marriage and it still doen't work, it's time for a divorce. it's so nice to hear a young woman say she is dead set against cheating, you sound more maure than most women. remember that there is emotional cheating, too. think about how you would feel if your husband had a relationship with a woman like the one you have w/ the guy at school. i would tell all of this to your husband, and maybe he will start trying to fix things! good luck to you!

Answer 6

This marriage is leading to a divorce. If you're not happy with the man you're with, and he doesn't help out around the house, what's that going to do? Ruin your life, for the rest of your years. Tell him directly and tell him the consequences. Divorce him is my words of wisdom for today. Nobody deserves a terrible man like that. If he can't change, make your mind up. Do you want to stay and live in a place where you're the maid, and he's the lazy guy who eats chips all day? Or are you going to take charge and tell him what's right. IF he doesn't help you after your lecture about him being lazy, it's over. You're done with him. You deserve a better man.

Answer 7

I heard approximately whatever like that. But I believe the apartment had exits. And now not most effective staircases that once to nowhere however doorways that did not open or did not lead in which you suggestion they might. Even one door at the two or three tale that was once a drop off too the backyard. I believe it was once on a television exhibit however I do not recall greater than that. Maybe when you googled haunted residences with a few others main points you might uncover it. Sorry I'm now not a lot aid

Answer 8

Well dont go for the other guy trust me.Thats what i did. If your married and he is hitting on you there is something morally wrong with him.As for your husband. He has hit that stage. Marrage counciling is an option but you never know he could grow out of it.Honestly I think maby you were to young when you got married. the both of you hadn't finished growing and changing. Try to focus on the good parts in him. Maby there is something causeing him to be that way. Really press comunication find out whats eating him. You are in a hard position I feel for ya.Good luck.

Answer 9

You both are finding out that people change as they grow older. Perhaps he sees you as having changed from when he first met you as well. Have you considered that?

Part of what you commit to when you marry is to agree to grow and change together and keep each other's interests in mind with everything that you do. It's a lot easier to agree to when things are all happy and romantic. But the whole point of the agreement is to still be there when times become difficult.

Answer 10

I don't think you should leave him before exhausting all other options. You made a commitment, you might have been able to run and hide when you were a teenager but you re not anymore, you re an adult. And you've entered into an adult relationship with expectations and emotions. You cant throw that away just because your faced with your first big challenge. Talk to him find out why hes angry, then change that. He is probably just as frustrated and confused as you are he just doesn't know how to express it. Be adults and talk. I know its a lot easier said than done, i married young to my HS sweetheart to, it DOES work; but not with out effort. good luck Hun!