In the prison population,
There is an ebb and flow.
Get to make a friendly association,
Shipped out! they go,
To some other, penal location.
Pad mates they come and go,
Two forced,to talk in friendship.
But at times, you'r glad of this relationship,
That out shipped, they go!
But some are missed, for their conversation,
Their happy smiling jovial mood.
To have a pleasant and adroit assosiation,
Does, make the heart feel good.
2007-10-19 09:06:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
A prison within a prison
Has many in its hold
For they have not the reason
To make a friendship bold
For what seems so short a season.
Sadly there they languish
And keep themselves apart.
Conversation's subtle art
Is far from what they wish.
If they but break that prison,
Associations make.
Then Life has a reason,
And they their freedom take.
[I just noticed this allows itself to be restructured to a Sonnet form. Did you think of that with your verse? The 14 lines are there, but sextet and quatrains are reversed, in yours you have the extra anapest of population, association, relationship, and conversation, and one less line in Stanza 1. The individual and community descriptions in yours, however, are in the two quatrains, much stronger than mine, and having greater integrity when brought forward. Tigntening the language with the anapests gives more creative freedom with rhythms and counter rhythms. I think you're onto something very good here!]
Here's mine, reformed into a Sonnet:
PRISON ASSOCIATION
Those who would freedom take
Breaking their inner prison
Giving to life a new reason
Associations freely make.
Conversation's subtle art
Becomes the fondest wish
To those who no longer languish
Holding themselves apart.
In that place so cold
For many in its hold
They make friendships bold.
The prison within a prison
Is broken by their good reason
If but for so short a season.
As yours is stronger I trust it will be even better. You have my permission and freedom of copyright to place mine with yours if you wish as a companion piece. I would be deeply honoured.
2007-10-19 09:50:28 · answer #1 · answered by Fr. Al 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Trim, trim, trim. more like a letter of no interest.
How does the guy feel about each loss?
What REALLY is gained by ea. particular guy? Anything learned? Any drama?
more nuance needed and a real theme.
2007-10-21 03:03:54 · answer #2 · answered by LELAND 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
*****
Lines to cross
Unmarked locations
Boundaries pissed
For demarcation
Space is all I have that's mine
No lines, but steel
A frame of mind
*****
TD Euwaite, 1981
2007-10-23 22:30:23 · answer #3 · answered by TD Euwaite? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very original. I like it alot!
2007-10-19 16:37:15 · answer #4 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Very good and very true.
2007-10-19 16:25:33 · answer #5 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
very good, i enjoyed that x.
2007-10-19 16:14:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋