Why is there no forgiveness in my heart?

Question

I am a good man. I treat people with respect, I try to make the right decisions in life, and people typically like me. I am a loving, caring individual who sympathizes with people when they have problems. However, I can not seems to forgive people. It's not like when someone is running 5 minutes late for something I never forgive them (I mean the smaller things I let go) but I mean for the bigger things. Even if I can understand why someone does something, I can't forgive them for doing it if it is something I feel crosses the "threshold" into a big deal. It's too situational to talk specifics but I guess what I am asking is why a nice guy such as myself is nice in every meaning of the word can't forgive? Is forgiveness something you learn?

I think my problem is that when I make mistakes, nobody shows any sympathy towards me. Would that affect me too?

Answer 1

I think that forgiveness is something that most of us do have to learn. It's a conscious decision that we make. I've lived with this problem for most of my life and I think I understand why it is so difficult for me. Even though I'm a forgiving person now, there is still one issue (it's the one that I think set me on this path) that I still haven't let go. I'll go for a long period of time in which I believe that I'm over it. Then something will happen or just come up that brings it back with the same anger. I think that issues that we are unable to resolve have to do with betrayal and this causes our hearts so much pain that we can't see past the issues. Ultimately, I believe that we have to keep trying until we either succeed or pass away.

Answer 2

I had the same feelings for a long time. I had my standards.
Kindness, ethics, loyalty, etc. Quite altruistic. If someone
crossed those carefully prescribed lines, that was it...no
going back, no reconcilliations. But it always ate away at
me inside on a deep level...why did they do it? What was
it about me that brought it on? Why couldn't I forgive them?
That was before I started to take a serious look at the
human condition and realized that people are distracted,
selfish, insecure, resentful and hurting along with loving,
positive, caring, helpful, soulful, talented, funny and kind.
It's a big stew full of every kind of vegetable. Sometimes
a rotten one gets thrown in, but overall it doesn't really
spoil the whole meal. You cannot realistically assume
that everyone is going to think like you or have the same
high standards. It's an imperfect world...I'm sure you've
made mistakes over your lifetime too. Wouldn't you
prefer to be forgiven for those in order to go forward
with joy? By forgiving, you release resentment which can
eat away at you for years. The very person who wronged
you is still wronging you from the grave of their indiscretion.
So....selfishly, you can do a little "practice" forgiving until
you really can feel it. We're all only human, not super
human. This is a hard one, but try...you'll feel a lot
better and perhaps you can even have (or try to have)
a conversation with one of "The Unforgiven"...start with
the person you're pretty sure won't try to knock you out
cold. Good luck....it finally worked for me.

Answer 3

What good does it do you not to forgive? The answer is: none. Why don't you just let go of past hurts and disappointments?

If other people don't forgive you, maybe you could show them how it's done. Even if they don't follow your example, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you're doing the right thing by forgiving.

You say that you treat people with respect. What about those people that you need to forgive? Isn't forgiveness part of respect?

Answer 4

It's impossible to say without knowing the situation much less what you mean by forgiveness in your heart. The way you say it, there is a certain emotion that you have not had naturally, nor have you been able to manufacture it.

Do you continue to feel angry? Does your anger make you unhappy? Are you unable to enjoy relationships that would be healthy if not for your anger? If you answer yes to these questions, then there is no forgiveness in your heart because you are not a master of your own emotions. This is your own problem. For your own happiness, I hope that you improve your ability in this regard.

If you are not angry and not unhappy due to your lack of forgiveness, there may not be as much of a problem. I think that too often the virtue of forgiveness is used to justify things that are not justifiable. It is possible to let go of anger yet still make an honest assessment of a person's character. Don't confuse ceasing to be angry with placing misguided trust and allowing yourself to be injured again.

Answer 5

I can relate I swear its like that saying you forgive but never forget then actually you really did not forgive because you can not seem to forget................

I have cut people out of my life because of what you say above some things you just can't let go of because they are detrimental to your well being and your self esteem self worth etc.. you are hurt angry and taken advantage of and that is wrong its the mirror broken and you can never put the pieces back again shattered forever.............

The only thing I can truly say is that TIME has a way of healing your heart and pain the things that you had no tolerance for so long ago are not as powerful a feeling when you experienced it :)))

Yes I feel that forgiveness is something you learn to do gradually over time and boy is it so hard to let go but Time is key it really is :)))

Answer 6

Answer:

Have you ever done something that you regretted? Have you ever hurt someone you love? It seems we all make mistakes in life. We learn by mistakes. Michael Jordan once said he became so successful at basketball because he learned how to fail. Success is failure turned inside out.

Like wise when we hurt others their reaction teaches us not to hurt. It is the same thing when we are hurt. Ideally when something hurts us we learn not to do that to others.

To not forgive is like a cancer. It will destroy you. Your inward consciousness is reflected back to you in your outward reality. Harboring ill will brings ill will to you.

Forgive so that you may be forgiven. If you are quick to forgive others they will be quick to forgive you. If you do not forgive, you will not be forgiven. It is easy for others to persecute those that persecute them. They are quick to do so.

There will come a time when the most important thing for you in life will be to be forgiven. Either because it needs to come from someone you really love or the nature of your offense is such that you really need forgiveness.

Forgiveness will never be yours until you forgive.

Blessings and peace to all,
All in all,
B

Answer 7

Well, the best person to answer this question is you. Ask yourself: Am I too demanding to people? Did I notice my past mistakes, and forgave myself for those embarassing things?

Reflect to yourself. If you know all mistakes you have made in the past, you will understand other people who make mistakes.

Forgiving is not easy, even for a humble and patient person. Forgiving means opening yourself to accept those nasty people that hurt you. We all are afraid to get hurt, and we have stubborn ego; it is just like a hidden arrogance. Just like you say, we need to learn to forgive, because we also has received forgiveness.

Answer 8

Basically its probably because you cant let go of the past and you expect everyone to be up to your level in morals and etc. you need to let go off that and lower your expectations..people make mistakes and at least they are able to have it in themselves to ask for your forgiveness, and forgiving is something i suppose you can learn

Answer 9

Forgiveness only takes one.

Reconcilliation takes two.
Even if I forgive you, I can't trust you, unless i talk with you and you want forgiveness and you want to be trusted.

I think you're confusing trust, and forgiveness.

Forgivness doesn't mean letting the person take advantage, steal, hurt us agian. It simply means not hating them. As hate eats us from the inside out.

Answer 10

Sometimes you just don't know how to forgive and forget. It is like a deep wound, it will always hurt you because even when it heals you will have scar tissue. You have to completely heal to be able to forgive. If you can't you can never accomplish it.