wasted time
Somewhere in the vicinity of the Earth,
Where I will not hear, not a single sound.
I keep this flame of bitterness and hate,
It will keep me warm til my dying day.
Burning the candle at both ends,
One less flame awaits the dawn.
Living in a world of what has been said,
All that I know is I feel cold and dead.
Seated on the edge of all that is left,
I am but an empty shell full of regret.
I stand and I watch the remains of my soul,
Mixed in with anger to form a crimson flow.
You know that you wasted all of your life,
Please, just this once be honest with me.
I'll take it back, all the waste that is mine,
Just do what is right, and claim all you own.
I will keep all of the pain, a token of our hate,
Became my sin, my blade to pierce my skin.
Free from the damned, that pulls us both down,
Covered with blood, what will become of us now?
2007-10-19 07:09:42 · 14 answers · asked by The Dark Prince 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Very powerful and beautiful.To me it seems that the flame is of course the hate and lies you consume in your life and now it's burning your soul making you feel puetred and filthy inside.Ashamed that you could be easily swooned by all the lies and that you followed blindly for so long.Now it leaves you with that burning feeling in your stomach when you wretch.Or maybe that's just me.Either way it's an absolutely beautiful poem and I can definitely relate to it.
2007-10-19 12:47:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are a few things I found wrong, I hope this doesn't sound deriding. Anyway, there is no rhyme scheme, and there are only two lines that rhymes at all, with only a few more half-rhymes.
I'll write you a quick example of rhyme scheme for a lymeric:
The lim'rick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical. - origin unkown.
See, the end rhymes go aabbaa.
Also, I found hardly any wordplay aside from metaphors, (which I'll cover in a second) such as alliteration. You could use irony, metonmy, alliteration, hyperbole, or any other literary device. Your metaphors, while I could make a connection to many, not all made sense to me.
I get the general idea - I can make out that the poem's speaker is hurt, there seems to be another person involved, and a few other things, but I think there needs to be more.
You can write poems full of metaphors and encode the theme, but it is hard to read a code without the key. Write your poems so that anyone reading them can discern their meaning.
I hope I have been helpful.
2007-10-19 07:29:07 · answer #2 · answered by Yallo248 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. Seems like you've been through alot of disappointment, and regret. You lighten it up at the end though. where are you going with it. Doesn't seem concluded. But nice.
2007-10-19 07:19:50 · answer #3 · answered by boolouchi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stirs the emotions-has a lot soul.
2007-10-19 08:40:07 · answer #4 · answered by mary s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It really didn't kill time, it just stopped it dead in its tracks.
Another eerie and poignant message from the depths of your subconscious mind. Thank you.
2007-10-19 14:28:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your an amazing writer, Steve.
2007-10-19 08:03:32 · answer #6 · answered by Sali 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I AGREE WITH THE LADY THAT SAID YOU ARE A GREAT WRITER AND YOU WRITE FROM YOUR VERY SOUL...
2007-10-19 11:17:54 · answer #7 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, the past is hard to let go...
2007-10-19 07:21:51 · answer #8 · answered by Analyst 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad keep going!!
2007-10-19 07:15:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very good. I like it.
2007-10-19 07:16:05 · answer #10 · answered by Aly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋