One of my ex's requests for our divorce that I agreed to was that we keep the house (we go 50-50 on the mortgage) but I have exclusive use w/ our 2 daughters. Yesterday, my boyfriend and I were walking out of my house when my ex drove by and saw us. He went into a rage yelling I disrespected him by having another man into "our" house and that if I want to *uck that I should go to a motel. They got into a screaming match and came pretty close to a scuffle. Long story short, my boyfriend said the "arrangement" was his way of having control over me and this as long as I stayed in it, nothing was going to change. I'm afraid if I sell my house I won't be able to afford one on my own and I really don't want to rent, but I don't want a bad situation to get worse. At the same time, It's also MY house and I pay for 1/2 of the mortage, why can't I have have whoever I want over without all this drama? I am confused and really need advice.
2007-10-19 06:09:17 · 29 answers · asked by Lily 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My boyfriend comes over when my girls are not home
2007-10-19 06:34:16 · update #1
That is a form of domestic violence, he is using it to have control over you.
I would call the cops & start restraining order proceedings next time he decides to act like that.
Your BF is completely right!
That house is no longer an "our" home.
The home part went out the window at the time of your divorce.
It is your residence, you live there set ground rules if you don't like being treated that way.
2007-10-19 06:13:47 · answer #1 · answered by thistlesnshamrocks 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sorry, but I'm with your ex on this one. It is NOT YOUR HOUSE. He owns half, and he cut you a break by letting you stay there with your two daughters instead of forcing the issue of a sale. You said yourself that you can't afford your own house and you don't want to rent, so you should be grateful that he didn't put the screws to you and send you packing. Secondly, you also said you have two daughters. Have you considered what your girls are seeing and learning when your boyfriend comes over?
BOTTOM LINE: If you don't like the arrangement then agree to sell the house and get your own place. You can't have it both ways. As long as your ex is part owner he has a say in what goes on in and with the house, and he has every right to get royally p!$$ed off at you for bringing another man in to the place where his daughters (yes, they're HIS daughters too) live and sleep, especially if your boyfriend is spending the night and the two of you are messing around. You know what it's going to take to be free of the drama, so either do it or stop complaining.
2007-10-19 13:24:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
1) Was said 50/50 agreement put in writing? If not, make sure you do it, in the presence of a lawyer.
2) Your boyfriend is correct. As long as you continue to live in the same house, no matter who has it when, you will not be able to have a stable drama-free relationship.
3) Document the incident that just happened. Have your boyfriend sign as a witness. If there are any further incidents, document them as well.
4) Put the house on the market. The way the housing economy is now, it's likely going to take quite a long time to sell. Your hunch is right that as long as you continue the arrangement, the bad situation is only going to get worse. Which is more important...a stable home life for your daughters or remaining in the house?
In your place, I'd be leaving ASAP.
2007-10-19 13:20:08 · answer #3 · answered by Vangorn2000 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can see exactly where he is coming from. You are bringing a man into your house and you have two daughters. Not a good thing and not a good example. I know you feel as if you have a right to do what ever you want, but not when you got children involved. On the other hand, your husband was wayyyyyyy out of line by disrespecting you in what he was saying. There are many ways to communicate to someone and that was just not it.
2007-10-19 13:27:30 · answer #4 · answered by Pinolera 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, its a choice you have to make. Let him control when to wipe, sleep, eat, breath and bath, OR, forget his unwanted useless help which is simply his way of having a say????
OR..........
Advice: in silence, secretly look for another place even if its not the best or what you expect, take what you can afford and take control of your life. The last thing you need is your girls growing up thinking its okay to let some guy control there every move. When he See's you don't "NEED" (because that's what he thinks) he will be mad at times, happy others, regretful, with many other mood swings due to your independence. Slowly but surely he will learn that he will not because he CANNOT control you anymore.....Do you want drama? Then? He is confusing what you already know you should do, girls choose to be distracted by men instead of listening to themselves..................WTF?
2007-10-19 13:39:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You certainly have the right to have whom ever you want in your own home.
My advice is to take your boyfriend's advice. You will never feel free as long as you are in a house your ex owns half of. Change your conditions. Tell him you want to sell the house now, and just for your information he can be forced to do this.
If he does not want to sell it can be appraised and he has to pay you half the value to keep it.
You take your half the money to find yourself another place, probably a smaller house but something that is all yours. Then you help pay your bills by the child support he is going to have to pay.
You don't want to continue this division. With him owning half he can legally demand a key to the place. Do you want him walking in on you during the middle of the night with your boyfriend with you?
Get control now, get out of a situation where you have to share anything but your kids.
Good Luck
2007-10-19 13:27:55 · answer #6 · answered by mn lady 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since the agreement states that you have exclusive use of the house, you may invite whomever you wish into the house and they may stay as long as you want them to. The only claim your ex has on the house right now is half the equity if it is sold.
On the other hand, he will probably keep driving by and harassing you until you sell the house or you file a restraining order against him. This, of course, will only make him more upset.
2007-10-19 13:17:05 · answer #7 · answered by Mathsorcerer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i agree with your boyfriend...he is using this as a control thing now...did he really expect you to stay single forever...thats rediculas...you live there..
i would tell your ex that he is being rediculas and if he keeps on then you will have to sell up...it wont be forever that you have to rent...if you get in a steady relationship again you could buy a new house with him..but while you are living like this with your ex breathing down your neck.your new partner is likely to just go..
cut all ties and sell the house...i dont get why you still want to keep it like this with him having half the control..if he got a new partner what do you think he will do?? his new girlfriend wont like him paying a mortgage for you to live there and he will sell and leave you in a mess then...you do it 1st...no good can come from this arrangement as you can see already. good luck.x
2007-10-19 13:18:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hellooo. This arrangement is not going to work. He offered to do this as a way of maintaining control. If you want to have your own life, you're going to have to change your agreement. Sure, it's convenient having him pay half the bills, but is it worth the aggravation of him wanting to dictate who you can see in your own home?
With respect to you, you are going to have to make a decision. You can sell the house or one of you can buy the other out but it's not going to work as it is.
And how did your ex just happen to drive by as you were walking out? Has he been cruising around for awhile? He may not be as ready for a divorce as he lets on. Your first obligation is to make sure you and your children are safe. Don't play around with this. It may be inconvenient for you to see the bf away from home but until things get clarified, I wouldn't have him coming over.
Hope this helps.
2007-10-19 13:28:50 · answer #9 · answered by CGordo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you need legal advice, not our help. No "handshake arrangement" is legally binding and you need to see what exactly is spelled out. I suspect there is nothing wrong with having your boyfriend over, and the rage was less about disrespect and more about jealousy that you had found someone else to be happy with. If you talk to a lawyer, and bring your divorce papers, you can also ask him specific questions as regards selling, renting, what constitutes guests, and what constitutes roommates.
2007-10-19 13:16:46 · answer #10 · answered by Bill F 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the exclusive use is in writing your husband has no say who is in your house at any time especially if your two daughters are still there... Lets just hope he's not such a butt head as to continue to harass your boyfirend.. Might turn out that you boy friend will kick his A** all over town... Be your own person.. Let him (your x) go jerk off. Good luck Grant M in Pennsylvania
2007-10-19 13:16:08 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋