How Can I stop hurting those I love with my anger issues?

Question

I am in love with the woman that I call my wife, and I am in love with my three year old son (not in a sick twisted way as some will probaly think when they read this), they are everything that makes my world go 'round.
I came from a very disfunctional home (as did my wife - she deals with her issues better than I do), and think that coming from where I did is part of my problem. I never really learned how to be productive with my anger instead of distructive. I have NEVER laid a hand on either of them with ill intentions - I'm not a violent person. My anger reveals itself in the form of words that are hurtful- I am so tired of hurting them; to be honest, I think I hurt myself more than I hurt them. There is no reason why they should feel like they are treading on thin ice in our own home. I don't want to hurt them anymore and am afraid of my wife leaving me. It is with a heavy heart and soiled concience I have come here for some advice with my anger issues.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer. I don't feel choosing a "best answer" is a good idea here, because each answer is a part of the solution. Thanks again to all.

Answer 1

Well, first of all, it's great that you're trying to help yourself and deal with an issue that sounds like a challenge.
Probably, the best thing to do would be to seek out anger management courses in your area and/or counseling. Dealing with something like anger management can be a big task, and it wouldn't be fair for you to try and go at it alone.
If you have financial restrictions, you can very likely find low-cost/sliding scale counseling through your city's department of mental health. And if you attend a religious facility of any kind, you may be able to find anger management courses through your clergy-person.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck! It sounds like a big issue to be handling, and it's great that you're working hard to deal with it!

Answer 2

Seek help.

First, use the web to locate some resources, things you can read, or maybe groups or therapists you could contact.

"Anger Management" is probalby a good phrase to start with.

The big trick is to realize when you're beginning to become angry, and stop yourself.

If that means walking out of the house and going for a long walk, then do that. Explain to your wife that that's what you're going to do from now on, so she doesn't try to stop you.

You can then deal with things (if they're worth the bother of dealing with -- as opposed to trivial things) later, when you're calm.

But I think you should get help for this. There are professionals who can help you work through the stuff from your childhood.

I applaud you for realizing that this isn't a good thing for any of the three of you, and seeking help for it.

You're right; they shouldn't have to be in a state of fearing to set you off.

You can make that not be so any more.

Answer 3

It sounds like you need "anger management."
Usually group therapy is the best modality for this behavior.
Cognitive therapy usually works well also.
Find yourself a good therapist that specializes in anger issues. Once you feel comfortable, discuss with your therapist if it is a good idea to invite your wife & son to a session. They will be a good sounding board as to whether or not you are making notable progress.
You sound like you sincerely want to make a change in your life, that is the first step. Now the work truly begins, but you don't have to do it alone & you seem to have good family support. Make the change now, don't wait until you lose your family because that is inevitable. Good Luck.

Phyllis G.

Answer 4

I think that, since you are feeling badly about your words and actions, it's time to ask your wife to sit down and listen to you.

Tell her what you said here -- you feel badly about the things you say... you feel that you are hurting her and yourself and the relationship because of old, anger. Let her know you feel she should not have to 'walk on thin ice" around you, and it's really getting to you. TELL HER you are afraid she will leave, and that you love her and your son more than anything. Let her know you want a good family life.

I think these are things she needs to hear. She will never know how YOU FEEL about your actions, unless you tell her.

Sitting down and getting it out, will probably be the first, huge step in repairing things.

I come from a dysfunctional background, too. Just so you know i'm a 50 year old woman who has suffered post traumatic stress because of it. I was angry too, and i am here to tell you, it feels so much better since i have been able to let GO of that anger. My anger made me sick, depressed and vulnerable.

Hon, there are a LOT of self help books out there on anger. There are hundreds of websites, too. You can do a yahoo search for ANGER SELF-HELP, ANGER MANAGEMENT.

And my best advice is you need to do something for yourself, too. You have suffered distress in your life, and have not coped with it, let alone faced it. Perhaps it's time to do something about it? If you would take a look at some websites on anger, you might decide to go talk to a therapist and face your pain and fears.

It can be difficult, and emotionally draining.. but therapy can help us to think differently, stop the knee-jerk reactions and angry words.

For now, i hope you can try to practice counting to 10 or 20 in your mind before you say ANYTHING at all... really it works too. Counting in your mind, gives you time to rethink what you are going to say, and sometimes, saying nothing is best.

take care of YOU . sending hugs to you and yours.

Answer 5

Anger is a cover for hurt and or fear. Look at animals when they are afraid or hurt...they don't mean to lash out, but it is a natural instinct. We are fortunate we have been given the ability to control extreme emotions. Anger is a normal feeling. Learning to control your angry emotions is something all together different. I agree that you should seek professional help and there is a lot of help available through many resources. But in the mean time, try to figure out what triggers your "rage". My therapist told me to determine the moment that my "normal anger" turned into rage. That would be the moment that you may feel all hot inside, the hair may stand up on the back of your neck or you may begin shaking. At that moment, walk away from whatever situation you are in, give yourself time to calm down, determine the trigger and explore why you felt that anger. If you try these things, it will help get you through that moment. But please do seek help...there is something underlying there that needs to be addressed.

Answer 6

You are aware of the problem, which is good.
You are able to not be violent, so that means you are in control of yourself, which is better.
Try to stop yourself when you are about to go off, Stop and ask yourself "What would regular-tempered people do in this situation?"

When you have an answer that you feel could be a behaviour that you would not mind sharing with others - such as talking calmly - do that.

Practicing anger generates more anger - practicing calmness generates more calmness.

Answer 7

Anger is a nasty beast. It taints your whole world. The remedy is not to control it, but to rid yourself of it. A punching bag is but a mere moment of release. It is not the solution.

To permanently remove anger from your life you must forgive yourself and forgive those that have caused you harm - usually your parents and family.

This is easier than you think. If you realize they are imperfect people with flaws, most likely arose from abusive and dysfunctional families and therefore knew no better in how to raise their children, that they did love you in their own way, you will be able to forgive them for their short-comings.

Once you forgive them and yourself, a burden is lifted. You are free. The anger leaves. Guilt leaves. Depression leaves.

Find the origin, forgive, and you will be able to let all these negative emotions go.

Answer 8

There are multiple factors which affect the peace in a family but some important factors I wish to bring to your notice. If your wife wants you to look like this or that , you should listen to her and change yourself like she wants as may be she feels that are not presentable. We men proudly present our beautiful wives in the society but ignore our own habits.

Secondly at times some husbands are very demanding from their wives. Suppose I want my wife to be like this or that . She should do this or this. If she fails me I am angry. But if I think which situation is better,let her be as she is and be peace in the house or I must get what I want and no peace in the home.
All issues revolve around this mentality of ours. In short we should accommodate.You will say that your wife should also accommodate but I would say you have better control on yourself than on your wife so begin with you and you will see how things change.

Answer 9

Bless you for reaching out. Your anger could be caused because you want everything to be perfect. You try and try yourself, but see others all around not behaving as they should. When you realise that they all deal with things their own way, and no-one is perfect all the time, you can step back and allow that to happen.

Answer 10

Great that you asked since you wanna change.

Get 10 books and read them all about anger management. Try dealing with it together and work for the best.