What can i Do With All This Anger I Feel ?

Question

I feel so much anger towards Cancer, i lost my dad in May this year to a very aggressive and quick spreading cancer, I feel angry that my 2 year old will not now remember her grandad, i feel angry with myself at not visiting often before his illness, i feel angry that more could not be done earlier to save him, i feel angry more money is put into the NHS, i feel angry that he had to work with Asbestos many years ago and its that as recorded at his inquest that caused his cancer, and i also feel bitter when i hear others surviving cancer and want to know why my dad didnt, I just feel very angry and i want to know where to 'dump' it ?

Wow....Thankyou you all very much, your answers have all been very helpful and very compassionate, thanks for all your kind words and wonderful advice, and lke one answerer said its going to be so hard trying to pick a best between you all.
thanks again x

Answer 1

i can relate to your anger.that's the first emotion that people have after a loss,then there is grief and long after that comes acceptance.these are the natural stages that we go through when there is a death.i to lost my father to cancer.i blamed it on the VA hospital for all the meds they gave him. my second thought was why couldn't anyone help him with all the research today you'd figure there was something.but no.he died in my arms.when that happened i kind of felt a relief,after all he was suffering so,and that actually was worse for me,to watch him die then him dying.i just wanted him not to be in pain.it's been a few years now since he passed and i still miss him more than ever.after i lost my dad,i found a part-time job caring for the elderly,which gave me the satisfaction of helping others.it kind of gave me the opportunity to not feel helpless.i saw these seniors as my focus on healing myself. i did help alot.when they would see me,they would smile.and they knew my compassion for them was real.well anyways i am sorry for your loss,but remember,there is a whole bunch of people that love you and need you.so pick yourself up and be grateful that your father didn't suffer for long.
god bless you and your family and if i can help in any way,please feel free to contact me.
sadie

Answer 2

Hi hon.. i'm sorry for your loss. My mother died from cancer, too.

You seem to be blaming yourself for things which are completely out of your control.

Our lives can be busy, so if you didn't visit your father all of the time, it's not a sin or crime... im sure you spent a lot of quality time with him during your life, and that is what matters. And you seem like a person who would have been very supportive during his time of illness... that is also important.

You can keep the memories of your father alive, by talking with your 2 year-old about him, and showing pictures. It's a nice way to remember the good things, and i'm sure your child will be happy you've shared. You can also keep a picture of him up in your home somewhere...

Some cancers aren't "cureable" or very controllable, and i think doctors follow whatever treatment regimen is suggested. It's a shame all cancers can't be stopped or cured, that is for sure.

Your father apparently worked his job because he had to make a living. There was a time when the dangers of asbestos (and many other carcinogens) were not known.

I think that my mom and your dad did not survive their cancers, because it was their times to die. It's hard to accept sometimes, i know.

You know, anger is a part of the grieving process. You might be able to find a grief support group in your area for help, support and comfort.

There are also quite a lot of grief support and self help websites and forums on the internet, too.

If you'd like to find some, do a Yahoo search on any of the following:

GRIEF SUPPORT
SURVIVING GRIEF
THE STAGES OF GRIEF
GRIEF FORUMS
GRIEF SELF-HELP.

It's painful losing a loved one, and there are many illnesses which can cause death -- not just cancer.

I hope you can keep the good memories of your father close to your heart, and stop blaming yourself!! It's NOT your fault....

Answer 3

Im really sorry to hear about your loss.
I suggest that you try so do something sponsored as, as you are angry you have a lot of energy that needs to be let off. By doing something sponsored you could not only lose that energy (run/walk/swim/bike ride etc.) but it would also help others that get cancer in the future (i know that you feel bitter about this but you would have liked somebody else to have done the same) by raising money.
I also find that, if i get really angry and annoyed screaming into a pillow and punching it helps. The pillow will muffle out the sound of your scream and stop others around you wondering what on earth you are doing. Punching it will stop you inflicting pain on others and will not hurt your own hand.
Finally i suggest that you talk to a close friend about all of the thoughts that are going through your head and don't be afraid to have a good long cry about it as well (it isn't a sign of weakness to cry, in fact its a sign of strength and confidence that you aren't afraid to let your true feelings out). If you don't want to talk to a friend, write all of your feelings down which is another way to express all of them, and at least start to get rid of them.
I am terribly sorry for your loss and i know i can't even start to imagine what you are going through right now.
xxx

Answer 4

I can understand your anger issues. I have had my own things that I have been just as angry at... I realized that its not only anger that I was feeling. I was feeling hurt, guilty, and more over confused about why things happen the way they do.... My best answer to you is to write a letter to your self and answer the questions truthfully.... Like your 2 year old.. no they wont know grandpa physically but you can share memories, pictures and what he was like in different situations, I have to do this with my neice who lost her mom (my sister) when she was 3... there is no real answer why he was taken quick but think about the fact that he didnt suffer, the chemo that he would have to have gone through only really prolongs the inevitable not cure it...ask your self this... would you rather him be really sick from the treatments to prolong his life just for him to be alive (not really functioning) or would you rather know that he is better and didnt have to suffer one minute longer than he already did??? There are several people that have the same kind of cancer and also more that have severe lung diseases from working with asbestos. I like you wished there were more safety precautions taken back then but they didnt know all of the health risks they do now.... I hope you can get a better understanding. I think you should start with writting down the things that you are feeling and thinking and then sit back at look at it and try and answer calmly what you wrote down.... This is called a feelings paper it is one of the best things I have ever learned how to do...

Answer 5

I know that you probably hear this all the time, but I do know what you are going through. I lost my grandmother(whom I was very close to) to lung cancer. I was angry for a long time too. Then I realized that being angry isn't going to make it different. You can't just stop being angry, it takes time and patients, but eventually all the anger will go away. Just give it time honey. Good Luck. It took me years before I accepted it. If this did help please let me know, I am taking Sociology classes because that is what I want to do, so I need to know if I am getting any better at this lol. Best of Luck to you

Answer 6

I sort of know how you feel. I lost my father in a similar way. He had lung cancer. I still feel anger 18 years after my mother died, numbness for my dad's loss.
You wont be able to dump it until you work through your grief. Wont bore you with theories but anger is one stage in many of the grieving process. How do you work through it? No two people have the same method. But you will find your way eventually. No cliches that time heals. Just see how you feel as each day passes. So sorry for your sadness. x x

Answer 7

I understand your anger I lost my Mother and Granny to cancer, and many other relatives. I felt that same anger I was outraged that nothing could be done to save them. I think a proper place to dump your anger is at the foot of the Cross. Jesus understands your pain and anger. Anger is the first step of pain and the grief process. It's okay to be angry. Just try to get it out in constructive ways. Write letters to the people and situations that you are angry with. Explain what you lost in these letters, detail your grief and all of your feelings.Yes, write letters to the situations, Such as,Hey Cancer, I don't like you in fact, I HATE YOU for taking my dad away from me. You get the idea. It really helps to get it out, use very angry words and cuss if you like whatever it takes to get it out of your heart. Hope this helps. God Bless You.

Answer 8

Punch a pillow when you're alone. A psychologist told me to do this. It is natural to feel angry at this time, but after a while you'll come to your own decision about things. In the mean time remember that a child has no way of defence against an adult. Each time you're about to be angry with the little one take a deep breath and remember it's not their fault.

Answer 9

I used to have a problem with anger then one day I noticed that EVERYTIME I felt angry at something underneath the anger was a terrible feeling of HURT. When I immersed myself in the feeling of hurt instead of the anger the whole emotion (hurt and anger) would subside a great deal & become less painful to bear.

Can you feel the hurt which is underneath your anger, causing your anger? If you can then try immersing yourself in that hurt, cry about it if you can. Sometimes it's hard to stay with the hurt when it all seems so unjust and the anger comes barging back in, but keep returning to the hurt -I find it's easier to make the anger go away by healing the hurt than by struggling with the feeling of anger.

Answer 10

First off, to burn off energy try not to take it out on anyone who doesn't deserve it. Second, go join a fitness club or take karate and beat up a punching bag or something. Get a friend to go with you for support. Kickboxing is real fun and kicking the crap out of a something really helps. to sound medical I'll say it releases endorphins or some crap to make you feel better.
Theres a lot of people in the same shoes as you wondering why me why my dad. My friend lost her mother to cancer in 3 months(so sudden), her step dad walked out on her right completely afterward and then her pop-pop passed from cancer right after that. Some people its just in the cards remember that there are some people worse off and feeling way worse.
I know kicking *** at a kickboxing class won't take your pain away but maybe you should volunteer at a medical place so you can be hands with patients or do something for charity for families that have lost loved ones so quickly. Make a memorial, for your dad make it for some others that have lost as well. Share your story and let the pain out. Youll feel tons better. Everything takes time......you just go to figure out your outlet and make it something beneficial for you and others like you. Smile there will be people who need you to do that for them.