Are all married people in the same boat?

Question

I am married - have been for 21 years and my wife and I have a great deal of difficulty communicating with each other. We have three kids and basically - until now - they're the sole reason we've stayed together - at least the last five years. I wanted to know if there are other people in the same situation.

I live in central CT. Any local people here?

Answer 1

Sorry, I have been married only 5 years, but the last 2 months have been the greatest yet. We DO communicate well and I love being married. I think I am in the minority though...good luck!

Answer 2

I don't think that people are being honest here... I believe that yes at some point in any long term relationship we are all in the boat were we have said the hell with communication..BOTH PARTIES!!! but if that is the case the hardest thing in the world to do is the best thing to do. CALL A TRUCE and start over. Put the past feelings and issues and behind us and start over... ALSO I think it is dishonest for anyone to use kids as the reason why you have stayed in a relationship for so long... I think that is the easy and convinent excuse that parents use instead of facing the facts. There are a ton of more pressing reasons that people stay married. Like Finances..Fear of starting over.. Fear of being alone or not finding something better...Fear of what others may say or think...and the list goes on and on... but what ever the reason is you have to own it. and continue to make it work for you and all parties involved to the best of your abilites or move on. And last but not least I think people have changed the meaning of marriage in the last few decades to fit their situation and when it doens't work the want to use marriage as the scapegoat. Truth is, marriage is an institution. Marriage is for the good times and bad..The times when you getting sex everyday, and for the times when your getting it once a year. Marriage is a promise to work on getting it right for the rest of your life. Marriage is when you have no fight let in you, you still have the heart of lion. Marriage is not egotistical, its not puffed up with pride, Marriage is not thinking well this is hard, I don't want to do this is anymore. SO for all of you people who think that marriage is a hollywood screen play or an off broadway musical. Own the fact that you may have choose something without know what it really meant to choose it. And now that you have choosen it can you honor what you promised. TO GIVE IT YOUR ALL THRU THE GOOD AND THE BAD!!!

Answer 3

I think most marriages go through seasons of being really close and seasons of drifting apart. Marriage is hard, and you constantly have to work on it. Unfortunately it seems like you and your wife have forgotten why you got together in the first place. Unfortunately, that happens to a lot of people when they have kids - they put their kids ahead of their marriage and then at the end they don't know each other anymore.

You need to reconnect with each other. Find something that you have in common - something you like to do - some sort of sport, music, art, etc. - and date each other so you can get to know each other again. Work on communicating with each other - it's hard but it's worth it - and enlist the help of a professional if necessary.

Whatever you do, instead of turning out to other people (which it seems like you're trying to do by asking about local people), turn to each other. No one outside your marriage can fix this. That's how a lot of affairs start.

Also, try reading a few books - ones that I've found very helpful in my marriage are "The Creative Marriage" by Ed & Lisa Young, and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You and your wife need to read those and try and put your relationship back together.

My husband and I went through a difficult time a few years ago and almost divorced (we had started the paperwork, were living apart, everything). We were able to reconcile and while it's still difficult at times, it's definitely been worth it, and we're at a place now in our relationship that is better than it was for a long time. Don't throw away this marriage and all of the time you've invested without doing anything and everything that you can to save it first.

Answer 4

No, all people of any group don't typically have the same issues or do the same things.

Yes, some couples have trouble with communication (and that's a VERY important part of any relationship) and some do not. You and your wife should seriously work on that unless you're already "over" the marriage and just want it to end...staying together for the kids is a copout, and not as good for the kids as going your separate ways and being happy.

Have you tried counseling? If not, consider that before throwing in the towel and 21 yrs...

Answer 5

Well I' nowhere near CT, I'm in TN. But marriage is a job, no doubt about it. You have to look at it as a job, and even work it like its a job. If we performed our actual jobs like we do in some of our marriages, we would have been fired long ago. I mean things happen, we get busy lives, we're tired, out of shap, whatever the case may be, and we lose sight of our marriages and basically stop showing up for work. We communicate less, have less intimacy, etc etc... It sucks!!!
But if you decide that you don't want your marriage to be like this, I say you fight for it. Try and remember why it was that you got married 21 years ago. Bring some spice back into things, take a trip, send the kids somewhere and have some alone time to rekindle that flame. But its a conscious decision that YOU and your WIFE have to make together. And the first step is to communicate with her...

Answer 6

People change and most married couple that have married a long time go threw this unhappiness, Try some counseling try to reconnect in the bedroom and do the little things you used to do flowers just b/c, a movie and a candle light dinner some alone time. People change their wants and needs. Sit down and right a list of things that made your wife happy before and work on them, sit down and explain to her that you don't know why you marriage is going the way it is but you are willing to work on in it and rekindle the love you once had. Good Luck!!

Answer 7

I think after being married for so many years we tend to already know what the other is thinking so the communication becomes less and less. Start doing things with each other that you once enjoyed. Your kids are probably grown or almost grown at this point and you should be having fun going out and doing things you enjoy together. You still need to communicate and both need to respect one another and make one another feel special. Marriage is hard work but when you work on it, it becomes so strong.

Answer 8

Yes, I am also in the same boat! Been married for 20 years and it has not been so good for 3 or 4 years! Just been growing apart and find it very hard to communicate with him! I have 2 kids with him and like you...I am staying only for them!!!

Answer 9

AK, I consider myself very fortunate to be able to communicate everything with my wife. We always tell the other what we think and at times it is hurtful but we both realize that we wouldn't say anything to intentionally hurt the other. 21 years is a long time to be together and not communicate properly. Perhaps the two of you need a second honeymoon and some time alone. Then you can discuss in a mature and open minded conversation what seems to be missing in the relationship and make plans to get things back on track. Best of luck.

Answer 10

There are TONS and TONS of people in that situation. That is one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high. People get married, have kids, make their sole focus their kids and their job, and when the kids leave, they divorce because they realize they don't even know or like the person they are living with, the person who they combined part of themselves with in order to have the children in the first place.

This is a tragedy, but an avoidable and fixeable one.

For couples who have not yet come to this, the key to avoid this is making time for your spouse, and only your spouse, during your marriage even after you have children. You need to continue dating your spouse throughout your entire lifetime. When you have children, family time is important, but time for just your spouse is, dare I say, even more important. It is your love for each other that will hold your family together. If the two of you don't keep each other close, the whole family will suffer, and family time will devolve into a farce. Because people constantly change, people who are married will either spend the rest of their lives getting to know each other, or they will never know each other. There is no other alternative.

If, as you have, you find yourself already deep in this hole, I have good news: it isn't to late to start. But it will take work. You have to want to be close to your wife. You will have to make time for just you and her- no work, no kids. You will have to be humble, and admit when you are wrong, apologize where you have gone wrong (including in not doing your part to keep up your marriage), and take the initiative in loving her. She may not return this at first, but don't be discouraged. Do nice things for her, show her consideration, make your marriage about the two of you, and your kids a mere outgrowth of this. It's not to late to get to know your spouse, and her you, but you will both have to work at it, and it will be like starting over from the begining, except with baggage. One thing that may help- think back to why you married her in the first place, why you love her. There has to be some reason why you said "I do". Even if there wasn't, it isn't to late to build a relationship and make one!

But don't be discouraged. It is not only doable, but it is worth it!!!

I hope and pray everything works out (and you should too!) God bless!

Answer 11

Communication can sometimes be difficult in a marriage but that's why you have to learn to work on them before comitting and even once your comitted ou have to constantly work on that including everything else. Not all people fall in the same boat but I'm sure there are a few. I have trouble communicating with mine but sometimes writing a letter will help or think of alternatives to get your point across.