Is this a sign of inevitable future abuse?? Men & Women please?

Question

In the heat of our first big fight as a married couple, my husband of five months started throwing things, furniture etc around our living room. Damaged the wall, broke a few things. He also was yelling very loudly and was in my face. I pushed him, kind of hit/push away type thing - I didn't hurt him, he's twice my size. After everything was over, when were were talking things through I brought up his anger issues and he critisized me for hitting him, saying that my action was abuse & what he did wasn't abuse. He managed to turn the tables and had ME apologizing. A couple friends have said these are big red flags. Is there hope? Are these signs he could be abusive in the future?

When I pushed him away (which technically could be classified as a hit?) it was because I was scared - I mean he was throwing furniture.

When I pushed him away (which technically could be classified as a hit?) it was because I was scared - I mean he was throwing furniture.

we were together for a year and a half before getting married & we're going on 2 years together in total - he never lashed out like this before? We lived together 1 month before our wedding in May

A lot of people are saying I mighjt have anger management issues, but in all honesty, it's just not the case. I did push him away from me, but in that moment I seriously didn't know what to do - he was going crazy and I wasn't sure what his next move was

Answer 1

This is serious... and I've seen it develop into "worse" too many times w/my own eyes. I've had friends go through this, my younger sister went through this, and even I went through it once myself (once was enough for me).
You are at the early stages of what will become a physically abusive relationship. There just hasn't been the amount of confidence to advance to the physical part of the abuse, but the emotional abuse is evident, and I wouldn't take the chance of a "next time" evolving to the worst.
Counseling is SUCH a good idea for the both of you... You will learn how to deal w/different issues and situations that have/will arise with respect toward each other.
Definitely red flags there...
Glad you asked!
Good luck!

MORE:
You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:

* Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
* Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
* Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
* Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
* Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
* Abuses drugs or alcohol.
* Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
* Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
* Has a history of bad relationships.
* Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
* You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
* Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
* Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
* Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
* Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
* You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
* You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?
• act jealous and possessive?
• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?
• discourage your relationships with friends and family?
• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?
• constantly criticize or belittle you?
• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)
• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)
• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?
• have affairs?
• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?
• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?
• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

Answer 2

First of all, from what you've described, your actions were done in self defense. He was displaying aggressive behaviour towards you and you reacted by pushing/hitting him away. I'm not condoning this action, but it's understandable given the circumstances.

question: did you not live together before getting married? I know this is something that people wouldn't consider in the past, and maybe you have a traditional viewpoint on this - just wondering if you knew about his temperament before you moved in.

To answer your questions; it doesn't look all that positive. Although he didn't actually go for you, it sounds as though you are around an physically violent man, and that's not good. It's also not good that he's blaming you for attacking him.
No woman should have to put up with abuse of any kind.

Seeing as he didn't actually go for you, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now, but I wouldn't put up with this again. Talk to your friends and family, and make them aware of what's going on. If things don't improve, get the hell out of there as you deserve better than that.

Answer 3

Sara although he is correct in saying that you shouldn't have put your hands on him your friends are very correct when they tell you that these are big red flags. Sad that your first real big argument was so inflicted with such anger and outburst. But for your man to turn the tables on you and attempt to make you look like the guilty party is a bit of a power trip in itself. Some counselling might be in order for you two if things continue to be like this after the next argument. If you two can sit down and have a mature and open minded conversation about what happened it may help resolve some issues and you each may learn more about how to handle things better if and when things go awry next time. Best of luck to you both in dealing with your anger.

Answer 4

I can honestly say that when I really PISS my boyfriend off he'll punch something or throw something. We both have gotten in each others faces and I've even slapped him and thrown something at him. These were very intense fights that rarely happen. I don't' believe either of us are abusive. I do know that what I did was out of hand, I have no right and neither do you to touch someone. I believe that men handle there anger in different ways. Sometimes they can just walk away and other times they are at the point of exploding and exert their anger. Do I think it's wrong, only if something is thrown at me or someone else is in the room where they could hurt. Do I condone it, no, but I can't blame someone for their actions of throwing things when I have physically put their hands on them. It's wrong! I'd rather my boyfriend tear the house apart then him hit me. But that's just me. I have a really bad temper and so does he. But if you feel that your life could be in danger then that's something different.

Answer 5

Well I would say it depends on a couple of things, mainly how you were acting toward him. Were you yelling, because if you were, it could have made him become very offensive. If you were just trying to talk things out calmly with him, and he was acting like that it would throw up a flag to me. However, you are already married to him. I would just play it cool for now and see what happens. If he starts hitting you then you will need to do something about it, but otherwise, you should just go on like you were, because you are already married.

Answer 6

That's a hard one. I don't know the guy, he could just be throwing a tempertantrum and never intended to hurt you or even scare you. That should be what you tell him, that when he is acting that way you feel he's out of control and you were scared. How long did you know him before you got married? That's very important because if you never lived together maybe this is just the way he handles things...maybe he was always allowed to act this way as a kid.

Answer 7

That would be a big red flag for me. When someone gets into an argument that is so heated things get broken, this is a very bad sign. Of course you hitting him isn't a good sign either.

Maybe you should have lived with him before you got married, then you would have already known he had this tendency?

Answer 8

Sounds to me like you both have anger management issues and could use some counseling. There are many different kinds of abuse--emotional, verbal, physical. You two could probably use some marital counseling before things get out of hand. Go now!

Answer 9

HE definatly has anger issues, this could lead to a heated moment when he could hit you!....i mean throwing furnature around and breaking stuff, thats out of control and just a slip away from hitting you. I would definatly have him see someone about these anger issues, let him know that it scares you, that some day he might loose it and hit you. this is a serious matter, and when that day comes, you need to leave, it won't get better, it will happen again! its a slippery slope, once you have crossed that line it gets easier and easier to do it again!

Answer 10

Since you are in the beginning stages of married life, I would seriously sit down with my husband and say we both have anger issues, and we should seek some help in learning how to communicate better.

You are both reacting out of fear and should consult a marriage counselor for guidance. Trying to work it out on your own is almost impossible, and things "will" get worse if not addressed now.

Good luck to you both.