Hows the best way to approach your husband about wanting to separate? I lovehim but Im unhappy in our marriage

Question

For seven years I toughed it out. I wanted the best for our baby so I moved in with him. He never asked me to marry him so I had to decide whether I should leave or ask him to marry me... We got married in 2005 and everything went smoothly. I figured if we bought a house, I'd be happy.. We bought the house but still something was missing. So I figured maybe we should have more children. We tried for the past year and a half. .. A few months ago we got pregnant but I miscarried around the 8th week. That was such a difficult time. Things are ok right now. I love him still, he's my best friend.. but I'm unhappy. I don't think I want to be married anymore. I'm not the same person I used to be. I had to make a lot of sacrifices and plenty of compromises to make our lives together work. He doesn't know anything's wrong. But I've been crying a lot. If I stay I'll remain miserable. but if I leave, I'll be breaking up our family. I don't want to make life hard for our 6 yr old

Answer 1

Hi... i'm sorry about your pregnancy.

You know, happiness doesn't come from outside of ourselves, and it's true, we can be happy in our relationships and like being with a person. But another person can't make us happy.

Take a look on the inside.. that is where happiness comes from. are you depressed? do you have some unresolved issues? OR isn't your relationship working because one of you gives more than the other? is there a lack of communication?

Material objects, like buying your house, can make you feel good, but it's a temporary fix. Having more children causes more stress, work and financial burden, so that isn't a way to happiness, either.

Your six year old probably feels YOUR tension, and knows something isn't right... and if the child doesn't NOW, well, eventually he or she will realize you are not content.

You have to make the decision whether to stay or leave. Your six year old's happiness doesn't depend upon who lives in your home... parents can share visitation and continue to show the child love and care.

Maybe you could consider talking to a professional? If you are crying all of the time, you must be miserable. If you are depressed, making big decisions isn't something you can rationally do right now.

From my perspective, you could consider taking the time to sort things out, talk to someone who can help you find your way to a happier YOU.

Depression is an illness, and not a character flaw. If you are depressed, hon, you deserve good help. See about taking care of your sadness first... then make decisions.

Answer 2

Have you asked your husband about going to counseling together? You might feel as though you have made a lot of sacrifices for the marriage but that is what marriage and having a family is about. As a single mom you will probably have to make a lot more sacrifices. If you do love him then you should try to make it work through counseling and other things before ending it. Are you unhappy with your marriage or unhappy in general but blaming your marriage? I went through severe depression and had no idea I was depressed (most don't). I blamed everything and everyone else for my unhappiness. I have been on antidepresents and my life is back on track. I am not a doctor and have no clue if you are depressed. But it wouldn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself and see if there isn't something else wrong. I would hate for you to make the choice to end your marriage, only to find out that it doesn't solve your unhappy feelings.

Answer 3

Maybe ask him to see a marriage counselor first? Maybe you are feeling depressed too from all the stress in your life (ie miscarriage, new house, changes in personalities - like crying alot).

Let's face it, we change all the time, single or married. We can probably all look back at the day we married and say we are not the same person - but that's because we grow as individuals. Marriage is not easy, but unless you try to understand why you are unhappy first, you may not know how to work out your future relationships -even is this one does not work for you.

First try to learn why you've reached the point you're at - if you haven't already - it's worth a shot. Many people feel the same way you do after so many years of marriage. And plus, you should learn about how he feels too.

Answer 4

Before you make any drastic decisions, go see a counselor and find out what's really making you unhappy. Get to the bottom of it and then decide what you want to do.

You already know you're not happy for "some reason", but you don't know why, so don't bring another baby into the family to complicate the situation.

Figure out what's wrong. You may decide to divorce and if you do then you don't want to drag more children through it. Hopefully, you'll find out what's wrong and be able to fix it and stay married. But find out what's really making you sad first.

Answer 5

He's your best friend and he doesn't know that anything is wrong...

By the sound of things, it appears that you are the one who is always taking the lead in the relationship. Your marriage is worth working on, but you have been trying to fix it all by yourself. Get some counseling before you decide to leave. People who separate rarely get back together. You may have some depression issues as well --- perhaps related to the miscarriage. Talk to your doctor.

Answer 6

Would you consider getting in to see a therapist before you do anything at all? I am not an advocate of staying in a bad situation but I sense some confusion and true angst. It may not all be about your marriage, but maybe it is. You have a good heart or you would not struggle so hard. Perhaps you gave too much or more than what you wanted and it really is over. Please go talk with someone and get really clear..then you will get stronger and if you need to end it then, you'll be ok.

Answer 7

You need to ask yourself why you are unhappy in this marriage. If he is abusive in any way then yes I suggest you leave ASAP. If not then your marriage is fixable. You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband and tell him how you feel. You need to bring those old feelings back in order to salvage the family. Remember when you two met and how much love you felt well you can get that all back. You both need to make each other feel important and respected and loved. Seek marriage counceling. You could really be upset as well due to you lost the baby. It causes friction in the relationship when something like that happens. You need to ask:

Is he good man?
Does he treat me with respect?
Is he a good father?
Is he a good provider?

Sometimes after being with someone so long we tend to think that there is something better out there for us however it could also be that if you leave this man it could be the biggest mistake you have ever done.

Good luck

Answer 8

You've already anwered your own question.

You are trying too hard to find happiness in others and in material things.

You are unhappy with the life you helped create for yourself. You helped get yourself pregnant thinking that would bring you happiness. Then you thought that marriage would bring you happiness, but it didn't. Then you thought a house would bring you happiness, but it didn't.

No matter what you do you will not be happy in this marriage. It is not your husband's fault; you are just determined to be unhappy in this relationship and are hoping that someone or something will provide it for you.

That will never happen. You need to find happiness with yourself first before you will ever be happy with someone else.

Answer 9

It doesn't sound like your husband is the problem of your unhappiness, I would recommend that you try counseling for yourself and find out the root of your problem. It is necessary to make sacrifices in marriage that's why it works you can't be selfish. Sit down and explain to your husband that u are unhappy but why you don't know and tell him that you will be attending counseling to figure out your problems and apologize for the way you have been acting lately. Good Luck.... Fix yourself before you can start working on your marriage...

Answer 10

You love him and he's your best friend, but you're crying all the time. Sounds like the marriage is not the cause of the crying. Go to your doctor and complete the Beck's Depression Inventory. Depression is a treatable condition.
And don't get pregnant again until you have this all straightened out.