What should I do with these cruel comments?

Question

I'm married to my husband for about 8 years now, I just talk to my mother on the phone last night, she still hasn't seemed to be approve our marriage.
I was stuck in an arrange marriage, 8 years ago. My parents want to married me off to their best friend's son, but anyways I eloped with my husband instead, since we really loved each other. She said she had never forgiven my betrayal since, she behaved this way in front of my husband and innocent son. My father said infront of my husband many times, that he just earned him self a cash cow( I just graduated from my program) and when we got pregnant, I called my parents, the first thing she said is go get an abortion- she think I would worth more, if I don't have a baggage after I divorced him.
I so sick and tired of their cruel comments, but I can't dump them because they're my biological parents and my son is growing up around this cr*p what should I do?

They're just so materialistic, they wanted a house and piece of land from their best friend in exchange

Answer 1

Your parents are part of a different era. Chances are arranged marriages were normal, part of the custom of not only your culture but also your religion. I am glad that you stayed with and married the man you loved. Your parents are the exact same as many others of their generation, who have their background. You need to go to your parents and explain to them that you love them and care about them so much. Then you need to tell them that you know they did not approve of you marrying the man you married but you loved him and he loved you. That you do not in any way regret marrying him because of the sweet loving little boy you two have together, which is their grandson. Then tell them how much he loves them and how he talks about them or acts when he hears they are coming. (That is if he gets happy and talks about how much he loves them or how happy he is, he is going to get to see his grandparents). After you have done that you then need to act like a grown woman, and explain to your mom and dad that you do not like the way they talk about your husband, and the father of there grandchild. That you do not deserve the cruel and hatful comments they make about him. (if they are doing this in front of your son then you may want to tell them that if they keep saying bad things about him in front of your son, you will just have to not allow him to be around them, and that would break your heart and his) Tell them he is a good father and a loving man towards you. That he treats you with respect and love and has never cheated on you or done things to hurt you. You have to show them that this is hurting you so much inside, and has the possibility of hurting what relationship they have with their grandson. Tell them you want to be a happy family who love and care for one another. You just have to talk with them and make yourself clear and be respectful of them at the same time. They do not have to like your husband, but they can at lest be nice and not say mean things about him in front of you and their grandson. They could be polite and nice to your husband, for your sake and your son's sake. I do know a couple, she is Japanese and he is American. Her father never talked to him or acknowledged him. The reason was because he was American. It made her life hard when they would all go back to Japan and visit. There is no reason that, that had to be that way. It was just stupid. You have to stand up for your family and do so in a respectful manner, but still get your point across to them. Good luck sweet heart.

Answer 2

IT's hard when parents make comments like that. If this doesn't stop then I would stop all contact with your parents. I know that it is hard, but sometimes... that is the best thing to do.
Also... I would write your mom and dad a letter and let them know how you feel. If this doesn't help then... I wouldn't contact them anymore.
I know it seems like, "How can I do that, they are my mom and dad?" But... sometimes it's the best thing to do. You don't need that type of pressure on you. You have something in your life that is so valuble and needs you more than ever... YOUR SON. Focus on him.
It sounds like your family is very old fashioned. They were probably raised that way.
I wish you the best and hope that everything works out for you and your family.
I would also look into getting some counseling and talking with someone during this time.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, we can't pick our family. Since this has been an ongoing problem, it's unlikely that your parents are going to change. Their quite stubborn and it is not fair to your family ( husband and son). You could try to sit down with them and try to have an adult conversation where you can express your feelings. Tell them that your are happy with your life ( family) and that you would like them to stop their negative comments. If this doesn't seem as a realistic approach then write them a letter. You may want to consider putting distance between your parents. I would suggest not calling them for awhile so that you can have time to be content with your husband and son. Parents aren't perfect and tend to be set in their ways. So, place distance between your family ( parents). You don't need the stress that they are giving you. Let them miss you and your son ( I didn't mention your husband because they dislike him so much). You and your son are blood relatives and they may miss you if you avoid them for awhile. You deserve happiness!! I hope that this helps and Good Luck.

Answer 4

i would distance myself a little bit from my parents, don't call them, just withdraw emotionally from them, though you should still be polite.

Also you should be very strong, confident and proud in yourself, maintain your own dignity at all times. At family events be polite but distant.

Let them miss you a little bit so they will maybe make an attempt to contact you for a change or realise what life is like without you. It may take a long time but that's what I would do. By not contacting them as much or making the effort you give them less of a chance to be cruel and maybe it will make them think about how they treat you. when and if they ask why you no longer call or come around as much, you can tell them calmly why you will not put up with it any longer.

Answer 5

Reach around behind you back. Feel those bumps in the middle, that is your spine - use it.

Your FIRST duty is to your husband and child.

You most certainly CAN dump your parents. You need to be a WOMAN and not a little girl. Tell mom she plays nice with your family, husband & son, or she is OUT.

You are the mother now. Protect your family.

(And when your son marries a girl you don't especially like - be nice.)

Answer 6

What country are you in? You did the right thing. I think your husband must be a saint to tolerate the cruel comments. What your son is learning when he hears these comments is not mentally healthy for him.

Advise your parents you love them, but if they continue to make the cruel comments, you will not come over until they accept your marriage, and you will not expose your son to their cruelty. Make them accept the fact the Cash Cow has left the pasture.

Then be prepared to back it up. Visit them only when you have to.

Answer 7

i can understand what you are going through.i would really suggest that your son wont be exposed to these comments because you never know how that will affect him in the future when he have a family and kids of his own, how about you visit them alone

one more thing .. its in the human nature to keep going after others weaknesses, so the reason that your parents STILL hard on you all these 8 year is because YOU let them, and encourage them to continue, it became a habbit to them because they DONT KNOW how to talk to you any more, they forgot how to talk to thier daughter and only CRUEL COMMENTS is left. but dont worry !!!!! with few help from you, like entering the house all CONFIDENT, show them how HAPPY you are, how much you are PROUD of your husband and child ...... but dont say it in a direct way because ' you dont tell people how wonderfull your dimonds are, because people will start wondering if there is anything wrong with the piece you are showing'

how about NLP, it teaches some tricks that could help you.

Answer 8

If my parents treated me like that and had such disrespect for me and my choices, I'd have nothing to do with them. You don't need their approval anymore, and it sounds like you'll never get it no matter how hard you try or how long you wait. Your child doesn't deserve to grow up witnessing his grandparents verbally abusing you and your husband and condemning your relationship. I think your family and your child will be much better off without these narrow minded cruel people in your lives. It shouldn't matter if they're your parents; they are making a choice to treat you this way and you should make the sensible choice for you and your family and tell them to get lost.

Answer 9

Good for you for not listening to your parents on not getting married to whom they wanted you to marry. I know they feel betrayed and hurt by your refusal to follow in this tradition but it is your life and you had the guts to do what you felt would make you happy. You say you do not want to cut all ties with them because they are your biological parents? Then the only thing you can do is limit your time and conversations with them and not involve your husband and son in their lives. This was their fault, they cannot expect for you to involve your husband and child into their verbal abusive comments. I am sure you already have expressed your hurt by their comments to no avail, so no use in dragging that along. Just keep your visits with them brief and short. God Bless!

Answer 10

Your son has to come first now. Stop worrying about what your husband's parents think of you or what your parents think of your marriage, and start worrying about the impact this madness will have on your son one day.

You need to remove negative influences from your son's life. If that means cutting off contact with your parents and/or your husband's parents, so be it. If they ask about it, explain to them that you can't let your son grow up in such a negative atmosphere...if they can't accept you, your husband, or your marriage after eight years, then let their stubborn bitterness be their downfall. I'm sure you guys have lots of friends who love you and support you.