My husband was a controlling man & had a very nasty temper if things didn't go his way.
As a result we separated.
While living on my own, I got a lot of emotional support from some family friends of ours - a wonderful couple who lived just down the road from us. All along, my husband didn't know about this.
Things between my husband & I were slowly getting better over these past few months. Till yesterday, he found out about that I had been speaking to this couple!
Being the private person he is, he was furious. He said - if you and I are live together again, I don't want you ever talking to them & they are not welcome at our house either.
I chose my friendship with them because I said they helped me. He didn't say a word & just left.
For the first time in my life I was able to stand up to him. I hope he will change & begin to respect my feelings too.
Am I being realistic by hoping for this, or will this end in a divorce?
2007-10-19 02:47:05 · 12 answers · asked by Sarah 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If your husband is controlling, he probably doesn't even know he has this issue.
He needs to LOOK at himself, and listen to what he is about to say in his head before he opens his mouth. Years and years of controlling behavior isn't changed after a couple months' separation.
Many people with control issues have underlying anxiety, and telling others what to do, is a way to temporarily relieve their anxiety -- take the situation about the friends who helped you -- he was all stressed out and anxious about the support they gave you, so he tried to tell you what to do. I'm glad you stood up to him.
Realize he is NEVER going to alter this behavior without taking a serious look at himself, and thinking before he speaks. Therapy wouldn't hurt the guy.
You can talk to him about this -- and let him know you feel he doesn't think about what he says to you before he talks. Tell him you feel put down (or however you feel) when he tries to control your actions. After all, you are an individual, and have your own brain.
I hope it works out, but don't hold your breath, unless he WANTS to change, gets some self-help material, or sees a therapist. Change takes a lot of practice, hon.
2007-10-19 03:05:19 · answer #1 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good for you for standing up for yourself! That took tremendous strength and courage.
I hate to dash your hopes, but you are probably not being realistic about hoping for a change in your husband. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean your marriage will end in divorce -- at least not in the immediate future.
Controlling people rarely see themselves that way. He is not going to suddenly have a revelation that he may be part of the problem and seek help -- but, he may love you enough to reach out for answers to some questions, which in turn may help him to slowly peel back the layers, and help him realize WHY he is so controlling.
Then again, he may be so stubborn and headstrong, he could just keep right on walking and never look back.
It would be wise to continue seeking emotional bolstering from your friends and family -- and remain cautious with your husband and your expectations of him.
2007-10-19 10:50:27 · answer #2 · answered by tracy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, the fact that he is dictating to you who you can and cannot speak to or be friends with is a big problem. He's probably just embarrassed that this other couple knows the problems you two have had and knows what a jerk he was, so his answer is to keep you from talking to them any further. I'd tell someone like that to take a hike, honestly. One of the things I cherish most about my relationship is that my husband allows me to be who I am, exactly the way I am, and doesn't order me around. You deserve that level of respect from a man (or anyone) too. You're not a child and shouldn't be told who you can be friends with.
2007-10-19 10:04:21 · answer #3 · answered by crabbyone 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If your husband change or not good for you standing up for yourself.. is change enough, who-ray for you. Now he probably won't change being that he saw the change in you. So if he doesn't change you don't want to get back into a controlling situation again do you?. Watch and wait and see if you see a change in him which won't happen over night, then take it from there. Keep your friends, for they were the ones who help you see the light, and I hope you keep shining, in taking back your privileges as a human being...good luck to you.
2007-10-19 11:08:27 · answer #4 · answered by carmel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ever hear the phrase A Leopard Never Changes Its' Spots?
This is fundamentally who this guy is. Accept the fact that he is going to be Abusive and Controlling or get out of the relationship.
No one changes who they are. they can pretend to be someone else, but sooner or later they can't keep the charade going and return to who they are.
2007-10-19 10:05:50 · answer #5 · answered by Ranger 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you are being realistic, and totally reasonable. You have a right to have friends that are separate of the relationship. You have rights as a human being as well, that goes with being an individual and voicing your rights, wants and needs. You also have the right to have those rights respected.
If your man can't treat you with equal respect and like the individual you are, that is his problem and he should fix it so that he is not contaminating your relationship.
Contribution, equallity and respect is 50/50....better yet, say its 100/100....Stand your ground....best wishes
2007-10-19 09:56:57 · answer #6 · answered by thatsmissustoyou 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
sometimes when a woman who has been controlled stands up and voices her pain, it doesn't always go as one would expect it to, sometimes he will leave her because he doesn't want not to be in control, so rather than make changes and see that he played a role in it, he often times chooses to leave.
2007-10-19 12:06:59 · answer #7 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband isn't going to change. He just proved it by telling you not to talk to your friends. He doesn't want you talking to them so he can isolate you and control you. Don't be fooled!!
Get out of that relationship and find some one who respects you !
2007-10-19 10:00:39 · answer #8 · answered by TiredofWorking 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
People rarely change. Realistically, you will probably end up in a divorce and be much happier with your life.
2007-10-19 09:52:53 · answer #9 · answered by merrybodner 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I sincerely doubt he will change, but good for you for standing up for yourself! I would urge you to get this book " The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin Debecker. It may have some tips in it to help you and to help you decide whether you believe he will change
2007-10-19 09:51:18 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋