Should I stay friends with my ex Sister in Law?

Question

I have been best friends with my sister-in-law pretty much all my life and it was through me that she met and married my brother. They were married for 15 years and split up last year (infidelity on her part). My brother is totally incensed with rage that I still keep in touch with her.

Our friendship is, and never will be, the same as it was. We don't talk regularly, maybe once a month and haven't been out together since the split.

I think we should try to keep things as 'normal' as possible as there are children involved. She took my daughter to see a movie last week and my brother is really angry with me, he said a lot of terrible things. He has been so hurt by what happened and he wants me to hate her as much as he does. But I don't.

Thanks for taking the time to answer my question. I'm all over the place. One day the answer is so obvious and the next it changes.

As I said, Sis-in-law and I are nowhere near the friends we were, just email and phone now and again to catch up. She doesn't come to mine, I don't go to hers and I only saw her for the first time in months when she took my daughter out. This is what my brother was so angry about.

My nephew (their son) cannot even mention his Mum's name in front of my brother.

There were problems in their marriage and it should have ended amicably before this mess. It's heartbreaking.

Thanks for all your opinions - positive & negative.

Answer 1

I am still friends with my ex sister-in-law though her brother (my ex) hates it. Once again there is a child involved and you need to tell your brother to grow up and that you're not going to deign your child her Aunt.

Answer 2

He probably feels betrayed by you. He is your brother and feels like you are taking her side by continuing to be her friend.
On one hand- I see your point though. It is good for the kids and you guys have been friends for so long.
On the other hand I see his point- If my husband and I were to split and he and my brother remained friends I'd be upset! I get annoyed when my husband's ex calls my mother in law to talk about the kids. I end up feeling better about it because I know how much my mother in law hates her (and always did).
I know it's slightly immature and a little "high school" but as much as we try to-we can't help the way we feel.

Answer 3

And you shouldn't hate her. It didn't work between your brother and your best friend so what does that have to do with you? You should let your brother know that he needs to get over her. He's more hurt that he will possibly see her because of you she means something to you and that pisses him off because she has the nerve to still want to be apart of this family after what she did. I feel his pain because it's his sister hanging out with his ex wife that has cheated on him and usually when something like this happens family sticks together. It's a tough thing but it's really your decision. Good luck with that one.

I would say stay friends but have boundaries for your brothers sake. Know not to bring her around when he's around not to make it a thing to just hang out anytime. He will calm down eventually but take it slow on both sides.

Answer 4

What happened in their marriage is between your brother and his wife. It has nothing to do with you even though it may have hurt you that your brother got hurt but you are right you must keep things as normal as possible. Talk to your brother and tell him how you feel about being in the middle because you are. It's been a year now and your brother should start looking forward and not hold on to the past which seems like he wants you to stay in the past with him tell him that you don't want to be apart of it because you have your own feeling towards her and as far as your friendship go You and her have been friends for a long time but it already seems like you have made the decision to stop being friends already.

Answer 5

I agree with Julia. Although y'all have been friends for years, things have changed. Your loyalty lies with your brother, not the ex. You should respect his feelings. You should not hate your ex sister n law and of course have a good relationship with her for the children's sake, but that does not mean you have to hang out with her. It is your brothers children and you should go through him regarding his children. You lose friends in life and in a situation like that…you just have to let go.

Answer 6

If you and her were best friends before everything happened then there is no reason that you can't remain friends now. She didn't do anything wrong to you, she did it to your brother. Yes family is important but a best friend is kinda like family. He can't expect you to hat her because he does, it not right and unfair. try explaining to your brother the situation that you are in and let him know that you still desire to be friends with her. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things in the world, and I'm guessing that you forgive her, so now you have to do what you think it right. Your brother will come around, he just needs time to heal and forgive.

Answer 7

I would just leave it be and see the kids through my brother. Your loyalty should be with him now. What happened between your brother and his wife does change the relationship between you and the ex sister inlaw because it affects you and your brother having one. Someday he may find someone new in his life and staying connected to the ex may prevent the new woman in his future from feeling comfortable with you.Your not in that much contact with her now and unfortunately what happened does change things from the relationship you had with her before because your brothers feelings are at stake here. He is your family and he was cheated on and betrayed by her and needs your support. I am sorry but she made the decision to change what she had with you to the moment she decided to be with someone else. Sometimes we have to move on in life and lose some friends along the way because some certain things and situations cause this to happen. Your brother has the right to move on without the stress of anyone in his family trying to hold on to her.

Answer 8

I would do my best to keep things normal for the children.They don't need be exposed to adult problems and it's not right to cause them pain just because the adults are going through pain.If the child loves her and enjoys spending time with her then I would let her.After all,the child did nothing wrong.To me,to restrict her from being in the company of someone she loves and doing things she likes to do with them is somewhat punishment for something she did not do.As time goes by your brothers heart will heal and not be so bitter and I think (I hope ) he will be glad that he did not compromise the relationship between his ex and the girl.He should try to understand that the betrayal was to you both in a way but ultimately to him.The bottom line is he should think of the effect this could have on your daughter.

Answer 9

So you think she should sever all ties with her former family because you aren't comfortable with her remaining friends with them. These women were her family at one point and just because her marriage ended doesn't mean she hates them or that they did anything wrong. Look as long as the EX isn't staying with them too I don't see a problem, try to get over your insecurities.

Answer 10

He will calm down. Tell him the truth...you hate what she did to your brother but you still want her as a friend.

......I just read what I said and don't believe I wrote that. Family comes first! Your brother is hurt. He was betrayed and expects you to support him That is reasonable. Tell your friend that you need a break until this is sorted out. If she was unfaithful then that is a indication of her character or lack there-of. You don't have to hate her but you should be supportive of your brother. Your brother will be your brother for life.