how do i keep bickering from turning into a fight?

Question

My wife and I will have been married 3 years in April. We are young, both 22, and have a son who will be 2 in January. (for all of you who are figuring it up we were married but just like to say the honeymoon worked LOL) Anyways, I work (3rd shift) and she stays at home with him. Money is tight but we pay our bills and splurge every so often. What I am getting at is we cant get past bickering. Either we are fantastic and could be role models for other young couples or we are fighting (bad). But heres my problem its over absolutely nothing!!! i.e. i didnt do the dishes in the right order(remember baby items, cups, silverware, plates and bowls and then pots and pans) or i get mad at her for waking me up to say shes leaving instead of her just leaving and letting me sleep. Our fights arent fights they are miniscule problems (bickering) compared to others real problems but we turn them into a 3-4 HOUR ordeal. How do we stop them at what they are (just differences) and not into a war?

Answer 1

Your situation is quite common among married couples.

Diplomatic compromising is an art much needed that takes the discipline of one being calm no matter what, listening to and "reflecting back" what is said, then offering some solutions and asking for them to do the same.

About those dishes: Save the splurge money and buy a dishwasher that will calm your spouse's fears of dish sanitation.

Get one of those felt tip pen bulletin boards along w/ some colorful felt tip pens to go with it. You and spouse can artfully write out messages when it's best NOT to distrub each other.

Sometimes, it's best to concede and let matters go. This is hard for personalities who are stubborn--and it does seem you and spouse both have strong adamant personalities. Still, try to change your personality on matters that call for calm reasoning.....in time: the spouse may well do the same.

Answer 2

Do not try discussing these issues when you are mad. That is what is turning them into the 3-4 hour battles. When you are mad, the fight/flight part of your brain takes over and this is not a good time for a discussion.

Write down a list of your most common issues and discuss them at a time that you are both calm. Make some agreements on how each of these issues can be resolved and write them down.

Also decide on what you will both do when you are mad. Make an agreement that when either of you realize that you're getting mad, that it will be OK to say, "I'm angry right now, I'd like to discuss this later." If necessary state the amount of time you will need to calm down.

If this doesn't work, you might consider that you are both addicted to this kind of interaction. Be honest with yourselves.

Answer 3

lol I know exactly what you mean. My fiance and I are perfectly happy, and then bam, we have big a fight about something stupid.
In our case I know its that we sometimes are too angry or stubborn to take a deep breath at the right time (when we are just starting to get angry, before it turns into a fight, when it's still just a disagreement or someone's feelings are hurt), realize we don't want to fight, realize this is a stupid argument, and ask a calm question or tell them how we feel calmly instead of going off the deep end. It takes a LOT of self control, but when either of us does that, takes a step back and calms down, it never becomes a fight. I just wish we could do it all the time... lol
If all else fails, at that crucial point we make each other laugh. Its hard to stay at that same level of anger if you think your spouse is cute lol. But be warned, if you make a joke she may yell at you for not taking her seriously... I know I do lol.

Answer 4

honestly, she's probably just waking u up so that you won't get worried when she leaves. the dishes don't exactly matter in what order......unless there is some reason, like the dishes not fitting into the cabinets or because your son needs the baby items immediately after you wash them.

just laugh about it. it will pass. calm down as well. you both love each other very much and you don't want to get into a fight. perhaps you ought to see a marriage counselor though if you really are worried this advice won't help

Answer 5

Communication is the key! You guys aren't talking to one another, you are talking at one another. If you have a problem with her waking you to say she is leaving, let her know in a calm manner, and in the same conversation when she is asking you to do the dishes in a certain order. Agree that when those things come up again because one or both of you didn't do something correct, purpose to say "you know what, I see where I could have done better, next time I'll try to remember because it's important to you", and move on from there.

Answer 6

Sounds to me like you're both stressed out. Perhaps you would benefit from marriage counseling. It will teach you how to communicate better and avoid petty fights. I am on my second marriage and have found that you need to pick your battles. You can't argue over everything. It might also be beneficial to do little unexpected things for each other. Bring her one rose and put it somewhere she will find it. Maybe she will put a love note in your lunch. Small things can make a marriage work. Don't forget to be kind to each other and give a few loving touches now and then to show you appreciate each other. We did the marriage counseling bit and it helped a lot. One part of marriage that nobody ever told me is that you need to know when to just let things go and when to discuss them.

Answer 7

im afraid that the bickering will never stop every body does it tell your wife to leave you in bed in future and as for the washing up just tell her she is lucky you do it at all cos some men don`t

Answer 8

Obviously you were too young to get married. You admit to fighting over miniscule problems...that's do to immaturity.

Answer 9

Some of that you could easily compromise on. I'm not always up when my husband leaves for work so he leaves me a note right before he goes out the door. When I wake up, I get to read his words of love as I start my day.

The best way to not bicker or fight is just to be quiet when things look like they are headed that direction. My husband and I work to not let that happen but there are times he is stressed at work or something and snips at me ~ but he is quick to come and apologize for it, too, after he has had time to think about it.

As far as the dishes, most men don't know the proper order to do things so she needs to let that go and quit harping on it. I can't seem to get my husband to learn to do certain things in the kitchen either but since I'm home all the time and he isn't, I'm not going to make things difficult for him just because he rinsed or didn't rinse something. I wash all the dishes but I do rinse things out well before putting them into soak ~ he can't seem to get a handle on it or he just doesn't care but I can see why he never liked to do dishes before we were married ~ lol

Learn to laugh at the little things rather than make a mountain out of a molehill. It may seem miniscule now but eventually, those are going to grow into serious irritations and you both are going to end up disliking each other.

And remember, never go to bed mad. My husband and I discussed this before we got married because it meant something to me since I came from a volatile home where people bickered and picked on each other all the time. I didn't want a marriage like that so I told him I never wanted us to go to bed mad or upset with each other, that we needed to sit down and discuss things like adults if there were problems between us.

We go to church together and we discuss the Bible and pray together, something very important to keep us working together. I hope you folks are going to church but if not, you might want to start and get involved in some Bible studies so you can learn better how to handle your problems and how to treat each other better.

Buy the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and both of you read and discuss it. Men and women just don't think alike but most women expect men to think just like they do. Until women quit demanding men think the same and accept men the way they are (not that they can't improve *grin*), life is going to be miserable for many of them. And men need to be aware of a woman's emotional ties and be more understanding and helpful.

There have been times when my husband snipped at me that I could have said something back and it could have gone on and on but I didn't so the flame died quickly. If I don't add fuel to the fire, it isn't going to burn, is it? We have been married for 4 years and never had an argument and never will because I zip my lip rather than make comments back.

Part of this has to do with maturity, something you both haven't completely come to terms with yet but hopefully, you will learn together as you sit down and discuss your issues and then drop them when they are resolved. Don't keep throwing it in each other's faces or keep nagging at each other because you won't accomplish anything other than to hurt the one you love.

God bless you folks as you work to have a long, wonderful life together and set a good example for your children, just the way God intended.

Answer 10

the cardinal rule is she is always right!