best answer goes to best critique!!?

Question

Angry and alone, with nowhere left to turn.
My insides heating up, my heart begins to burn.
Frustration flowing through my veins, spreading hate and madness.
The madness changing to a scream and then turning to sadness.
The small glass box in which I live just shatters to the ground.
I lie there bleeding, suffering, and no one hears a sound.
The world just keeps spinning and I pray that it will end.
The mask I wear falls to the ground. Why bother to pretend?
A candle flickers next to me. I stare at it with doubt,
And with my one last gasping breath, decide to blow it out.

Answer 1

OK, then...

"Angry and alone, with nowhere left to turn.
My insides heating up, my heart begins to burn.
Frustration flowing through my veins, spreading hate and madness.
The madness changing to a scream and then turning to sadness."

This part describes, very precisely, the evolution of the emotional state that the person experiences. Not very poetic though...an enumeration of feelings...redundant, by comparison to the next part of the poem...

And, of course, one might wonder about the reason for all that anger, frustration etc.

"The small glass box in which I live just shatters to the ground.
I lie there bleeding, suffering, and no one hears a sound.
The world just keeps spinning and I pray that it will end.
The mask I wear falls to the ground. Why bother to pretend?
A candle flickers next to me. I stare at it with doubt,
And with my one last gasping breath, decide to blow it out."

The last six lines are great, though...concise and profound...It has rime and rythm, and the candle metaphore is very good...

There you have it...

Answer 2

your song is full of emotion. i think those are some of the best lyrics i have ever heard. i write too but i can't compare to that. i am in your debt forever. if you get a great tune to go with that you could apply for a record deal! just read through it again and watch your sylabels.

The small glass box in which I live just shatters to the ground.
I lie there bleeding, suffering, and no one hears a sound.
The world just keeps spinning and I pray that it will end.
The mask I wear falls to the ground. Why bother to pretend?
A candle flickers next to me. I stare at it with doubt,
And with my one last gasping breath, decide to blow it out.

that is so deep pertuculy the last 2 lines
the first 4 lines are full of feeling still but i think they're worded a bit awkwardly.

WELL DONE
9 and a half out of 10

Answer 3

Let me ask you this: Why are these lines better than the others?

The small glass box in which I live just shatters to the ground.

A candle flickers next to me. I stare at it with doubt,
And with my one last gasping breath, decide to blow it out.

Answer: They rely on an image to convey something to the reader. Use more images in your poem. Give your reader something to cling to. When you use abstract words like angry, frustration, hate, and madness, they are too vague. You need to consider making them more concrete if you want people to truly connect with your work. You do that with the glass box and the candle. My suggestion is to go through this and think of how you can express these emotions you express with imagery.

Think about it like a fictional story. Which is more interesting:

Bill had maddness flowing through his veins.

or

Bill couldn't get the beetles off of his skin, or out of his mouth. The bugs were everywhere.

(Just an example, not saying that's great writing, but defining the madness with an example is better than just saying it's there).

Well, I don't want to give too many comments; it can get overwhelming.

Best,

Todd

Answer 4

Nice attempt but you may consider these:
-delete 'left' in first line
-give it a title
-line2: insides - may suggest intestines/entrails. why not just 'my inside' or my. . . . feelings/emotions/passions that I think you mean!
-frustrations don't flow through veins. Better write:
Frustration flowing like blood in my veins.
-Madness nowadays has many meanings but I'm sure you mean emotional condition. Try to replace with 'rage.'
-line 4: better - 'the rage transforming into a scream and then to sadness.'
-delete 'just' in line 5 to effect seriousness
-line 6: 'I Iie there bleeding.' But you've not said why you're bleeding apart from the fact that your glass box was shattered! Hence, simply begin the line with the word: "Wounded, I lie there...."
line7- either delete 'just' again and probably replace with 'simply', or add after "spinning" such effective adverb as nonchalantly/indifferently/callously
-line 8 - say 'the mask I've worn falls off. Why be pretentious?' or better: be hypocritical
- line 9.best image of candle. Leave as it is.
- line10 - delete 'my' and say 'gasp of breath, decide to blow it out. Of course we know the speaker's voice by now!
-You may omit some of the periods/fullstops as well. Some ideas/lines connect better without them.

Overall, it is a well written poem.
Heed the observations by Dondi too.

good luck
-

Answer 5

my only review is that I'm so tired of all the angry suicidal poetry. sorry if you caught me in bad form this evening. I'll write an opposite poem to make myself feel better - maybe you can feel better by it - or just smile bc/ I took the time to write something back.

Happy and together, so many ways to choose.
My insides cool and calm, my heart beating slow and sure
Elation flows through my veins, spreading love and joy.
The love expressed in smiles and turned into laughter.
A big wood box I call home gets bigger every day.
I stand there smiling, ear to ear and everybody hears -
The world keeps grinning with me and I pray it never stops
I'm myself and free - why bother to pretend?
A hopeful candle flickers next to me - I stare at it and shout
"If I only had one breath left I wouldn't blow you out!"

Answer 6

I have read the same thing a thousand times termed a thousand different ways, but it is all the same. It's what I term a "poor me" poem. I have the hardest time trying to figure out why people, and young girls especially, think it's so cool to write about killing themselves, or dieing. If you want to be a poet, write about something that makes people happy and eager to read it again and read more. Find subjects that are not overdone to the point of boredom. Then work on meter/rhythm/flow. The rhythm in this one gets messed up at the start, but settles down in the 4th line and continues to the end very well. Poetry writing is a skill that many have, but few actually master. Good luck with yours.

Answer 7

i think it is very good. i would how ever change the line "The madness changing to a scream and then turning to sadness." into, "The Madness changing to a scream, turning to sadness" and in "The small glass box in which I live just shatters to the ground." i would remove the word "just"... in the next line i would remove "and" before the words "no one hears a sound" then again i am a writer, no poet... the last couple of lines are brilliant.

Answer 8

It is obviously expressing extreme sadness, frustration, and a search for release from "life",that is touching and at the same time alarming to the reader. I found myself rooting for the suffering one, like, "Can't ANYONE reach, and help!? Please!"

At the end, even though I am sad, I feel as though I've been to that same place, to that same level to decide the same end. I've felt the exact same way myself -- it is frightening that you were able to put all of it into words that fit me so perfectly.
.

Answer 9

In the darkest corner of this room i sit and wait
Waiting for the darkness to overcome this fate
Feeling empty and lost and all torn down
Just waiting for this lonely heartbeat to be found

Answer 10

and then turning INto sadness. would be better.

Really fantastic work. You have a gift. Very evocative piece