Has anyone given marriage a second go around with the same person?

Question

How did that work for you? An exe of mine and I have been tossing around the thought of dating, seeing how it goes. We both still have feelings of love for each other, but is it enough? Is it the "right" kind of love?

The relationship we had years ago was fraught with finanical problems, kids problems, and ended in a lot of fighting and nastiness - both of us hitting out in anger I guess because our needs werent being met.

We do have a lot of common interests. Kids are grown, financial problems arent as bad as they were, in fact almost non-existent in terms of debt, smoking is no longer an issue, and we have maintained a friendship of sorts over the years.

We are much older, dont have as much angry energy when it comes to arguing, some things just seem comical now that once caused fights.

Is second time around possible? Have you tried it? Did it work out or was it a dismal failure? I am not saying I am going to give it a go, just wondering if it ever works.

Answer 1

Yes, I do...done it and have survived. IN fact, happy as hell I went back. Marriage is marrage, regardless of whom it is with...so here is my experience. Had a "marrage" of 11 years, ups and downs, I was wrapped up in fidelity issues. Fighting is fighting, no matter what it is about. We love each other intensely, but I was the only one who knew it. My confidence was pounded into the ground, and there came a day when it was better to part. WE were not in contact for 9 years, I had another significant other, so did he...and after that time, both relationships had dissolved. He contacted me in an off hand manner, let it drop that I was the love of his life, he hadn't known it at the time, but all his friends knew it, and so did his new significant other. In the time we were apart, we had both grown greatly in our lives, and as our own person...I got to know me, who I was/am, and learned much about my life. We met for a week when I flew down to Miami to stay with him, nothing planned for sex or anything other than to "catch up" on things (lies...I damned well planned on having wild sex, he was the greatest I had ever had...but he didn't plan on it, and he tells the truth). He truly thought he had blown his chances with me. Well, it took all of about 14 hours before IT happened...there was no holding it back. WE both knew the entire thing was on a completely different level this time, much more mature, open, honest, sharing. And the sex was still ...never mind. The week turned into two weeks, I flew home, he followed me within a month and after a shaky 1 year start, we finally found happiness. It is real, it will last for the rest of my life. And it was worth the chance I took at getting smashed again. Well, I didn't get smashed, I got the world on a string. And here is what I learned, if this helps:
IF you have grown as a person, have gained understanding as to what the hell went wrong, if YOU and HE can put down past anger, past pain, actually forget what has gone down, and if the spark will ignite into a raging fire, then yes, it will work much more easily than a new person in your life. BUT if you plan on getting even for past pain, forget about it! All you will get is more pain....You BOTH have to feel like this, no bringing up the past bad stuff...there will be enough new bad stuff to fill in the gaps, trust me on that one (no one can live with another without some bad times, face it and move on with life together.) And that past can be fun also..you have shared some great memories, don't ignore them...laugh with him at them, but PLEASE do not bring up the bad stuff..."You did this and you are doing it again" type of thing. None of us change that much, but we can grow to understand each other and allow each other to be themselves without being a statement of what we are. I suspect that, as you have described, you were meant to be with each other. Consider the time apart as a vacation, a school time. You have both become much more aware of who you are, and you both have a lot more self confidence in yourselves. AS I see it, there is nothing to prevent your being very happy ... after all, any relationship is a crap shoot, and this one has the odds greatly in your favor..you already know the house percentages! Good luck, love, and peace, Goldwing

Answer 2

Only you and him/her will know. I tried it after hubbie died with my first husband, not the father of my children. It was the same old, same old. Our children were grown up, no financial hassles, same feeling, but more mature. But the differences were still there. And yes, is was a dismal failure. Sadly. We now remain close friends, and always will. I know he loves me, an I love him. He will always be a very special person to me. Always be there for me. But it's kinda, a different love. But every case is individual, and only the two of you can sort it out. There have been cases where it has worked. Take it slow. At the end of the day, only you two will know. Are your interests still the same, how much have each of you gone, in different directions, and or the same directions. So many things to consider. Why do you always ask these hard questions! But we all love ya anyway.

Answer 3

does it have to be marriage? How about if you lived together for a bit and then took a close look if all the little irritants that were there are still around to drive you crazy. I can't imagine at my age now walking around with black eyes and stitches and broken bones. Sadly someone murdered my x about 4 years ago. It is unsolved to date but they think they have the perp in custody. Yes we did love each other but he as I found out after the fact was on drugs, guess I was too dumb to see it. Do what you feel is right---do not do it because of finances and your medical problems. ;0)

Answer 4

Well, it worked for Goldwing so we know it's possible. Second chances don't always work, but very often all the pieces fall together and the results can be wonderful. If you and your ex decide that you'd like to to try again, just make a deal that you both go into it with your eyes wide open......and that if it doesn't work out, there will be no blame and that you'll remain friends. No matter what, that's the one thing you don't want to lose.

Answer 5

It doesn`t apply to me, but a close family member did indeed remarry her ex. They were divorced only about a year, but continued to have contact during that year, so they remarried. Within 2 months the same problems began to crop up they had the first time. It is totally a case where she can`t live with him but can`t live without him and he he doesn`t like living alone. They are together, but neither one is attempting to change their old habits that caused problems the first time. In your case, you were apart a much longer time and maybe age and time has mellowed out what drove you apart in the first place so a remarriage has a good chance of working for you. Give it a try, what can you lose and you both have much to gain. Apparently your feelings run deeper than you think, as neither one of you had remarried after ur divorce. I say go for it, you`ll have each other to lean on in your golden years. Peace and Good luck in your future.

Answer 6

It sounds like you are meant to be. Why not just live together? Especially of you are in the United States. That will allow you both to continue collecting Social Securtiy.

See how our government makes us look for loop-holes to be bad!

I dated my current husband when we were in our teens. We fought, threw words at each other then broke up. This went on for a few years until we just gave up. 30 years later he found me. We had grown up and had so much in common to laugh about and share. We got married when I was 50. I have never spent that much time with anyone and not gotten fed up with them.

It can work out very well for you. Do you want to grow old alone?

Answer 7

If you give it a try now,you will lose a friend.That is what he is now.You feel comfortable with him.He knows you and you know him.I tried it after a divorce,we were married 23 years.It wasn't the same at all.He talked about me not being the same.I am not.I won't put up with his bull any more,any kind.Didn't work and now I have a restraining order against him.He wasn't going to give up without a fight,so after he beat me down,I called the law.I will never allow him to get close to me ever again.I just keep remembering why he is my Ex.You can love someone and not want them.Think long before you leap,you been there done that.....

Answer 8

Now that you are both older, why not give it a try. I had an elderly male friend who told me it is always good to marry someone who you have known for a long time and have something in common with. He married his first wife's sister (of course, his first wife had died). The marriage was successful.

My ex and I both know we still love each other, but are worlds are so different we could never live together any longer. We share the common bond of our children and grandchildren.

Edit: I just read GW's story, how beautiful it is. What a wonderful person we have in seniors to have him here with us.

Answer 9

I think this is a very personal decision. No two cases are ever alike because the two people involved are never the same.

Personally, I would be shouting it from the rooftops "ARE YOU FLIPPIN' OUT OF YOUR MIND?!" But my ex is not worth taking back into my life.

As to you, please consider all the other ramifications. You know what they are. And I have to ask if this is just a bid for financial security--not that you would do this on purpose, but way down deep inside where that scared little girl is living?

Answer 10

There is no one size fits all. You and your relationship are unique. I would hope and pray you would be as blessed as GW.
As for now if you are seriously in love take a chance.
It can work. 50% of the responsibility rests on your significant other. Nothing worth having is riskfree.