my 12 yr old daughter?

Question

ever scince my daughter started middle school she has completly changed . very introverted .she cusses the teachers .puberty at the max .i want to help her but she wont let me in .ive tried therapy its useless.just me n her time useless also. she is just evil towards her sister n stepdad n i .i show her love .she has the last word n answer for everything. she cuts certain classes when i ask her about it she denies it .even though the teacher calls me ..i dont know how to help her im at a loss here

Answer 1

Dont punish. I know you are wondering WTF did she just say that but I have a very valid point.

Punishing her is just going to make her resent you more, you said she just started middle school and is going through puberty to the max, right now is a confusing time for her and its probaly really hard.

Dont lecture her, dont punish, dont tell her whats right and wrong, whats acceptable or not, she already knows that she just choosing to not do so but tell her you are there for her.

Shes just going though a stage.

When I was in 6th grade, I was going though puberty and I hated it, it was the worst thing ever then. I had an attitude, I was rude, I would instigate things with other girls who I didnt like, I didnt focus on work. I fought with my brother like crazy and I got into alot of trouble.

I failed 6th grade and I made the choice to not go to summer school. I made bad choices and know what, I learned from them. I learned very valuable lessons and I changed. Im a totally better person now.

The best and hardest thing to do is let her make these mistakes. She knows she can probaly get out of punishments with you but she cant with the school, she'll definately have to deal with those and dont bail her out of them. If her grades are bad let her fail, she'll learn when shes face with the decision to either give up a portion of her summer or not be with her friends next year.

If you come to the rescue and fix things for her, she will rely on you to do that all the time.

Its time she grew up and took responsibility for her actions.
Shes definately old enough to.

Answer 2

She is trying to act older then her age, like the big cool kids at her school. She is 12! this behavior is usually found in the 15 year olds of today but not a 12.you need to come down on her real hard. Don't cave at all no matter how much she cries and acts likes sour puss. If she has a phone and/or access to the Internet take them away from her till she behaves better and shows some respect. Also she is probably hanging with the wrong people, so these people are effecting the way she acts. So you probably want her to involved in some sports to make some more friends that can influence her better. You should also take a visit to the school and put her on report(where every teacher has to sign this paper thing and state how she has been in class) if your school has one that it.
And if they don't you should go see the teachers and tell them to be stricter with her and don't take any of her behavior.
You should probably put her in boarding school for a while so she can straighten up, she will still be getting very good education but she will have to get in line with he attitude no matter what.

good luck!

Answer 3

Welcome to the teenage years.

Just for a little background in them, during this time their brains rewire themselves from that of a child to that of an adult. The process is not smooth, internally or externally. Among the other interesting points about this is that the kids lose the ability to detect and appreciate when they are causing pain to others or the level of anguis they cause.

Keep the pressure on. When she cuts class, make sure that there is a consequence. Not necessarily a huge one, but a consequence. Make sure she has plenty of activities outside of school. Not computer games, but rather volunteer activities or other things where she can feel some level of accomplishment.

As far as the last word, there are few things as obstinate as a teenager who realizes that they know everything.

It was related to me that when God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, that the boy was a very young lad. Had he been a teenager, it would not have been a sacrifice..

You are going to have to have a different relationship with your daughter. It will be partly the same as when she was younger, but also open things up. Ask her opinion on matters. Give her choices to make and stick with. For an outing, let her decide once in a while where to go. Let her pick out her school clothes, with a set budget. These are real live adult problems that she can handle now. She can also live with the consequences.

Set some standard rules that must be followed, and privileges that can be earned. No class cuts perhaps means friends over on the weekends. Class cuts means it is her turn to clean the bathroom. As she (altogether too slowly) works towards maturity, expand the privileges to meet her needs (to a point).

While this age is a bit (a bit, who am I kidding here) trying, it is also the foundation for adulthood.

Just remember this: A mother's revenge is her grandkids....

Answer 4

You might try another therapist. You don't always get the right one the first time - or even the second time. I know - bummer - because it's expensive. But in the long run it's worth it.

Who is the step dad and how long has he been around. She might be rebelling about that. Is her Dad in the picture? It's hard for pubescent girls who don't have a Dad around.

Is it a brand new school for her? Meaning - any of the same kids from last year? That can be hard.

What are the consequences when she lies and cuts classes? Find what she loves (i-pod, computer, cell phone - whatever)- and tell her it's a privilege - not a right. When she straightens up - she gets it back. It doesn't always work - but it's worth a try.

Make sure she has space and time away from her little sister. That's very important at that age.

Good luck!!

Answer 5

middle school is a big change - she doesn't sound introverted - if this is all new and a big change,(her attittude) I'd wonder what's going on at school - why ditch certain classes - some teachers are just down right mean - my daughter just pulled her 7yr-old out of school because of the way his teacher was treating him - is she being teased by tchrs or kids. Try asking her what's going on - without being accusatory or mad about it - hard to do - sometimes I wanted to *********** my daughter - just keep letting her know you love her - I didn't ****** mine and nows she's going to college -- good mom - and we get along great. Let her know she can tell you things that are happening - its tuff - good luck. Once my mom put a small vase on my dresser with a single peace rose in it - that was all - but it meant a lot to me. The less you get mad at her, the better. But be firm. she needs to know that being mean and nasty isn't ok - but is someone treating her that way??? Ask her what she needs (Not want-sometimes want's can sort of be a need esp to a teen)- see what she says - don't just discount it either. the more she feels like something is wrong with her - ie going to counselor - may not help either. good luck - is her sister older or younger - does she get compared to her? how long have you and your husband been married? could she be reacting to your marriage to him? how do you two get along? i was just reading a ? from a young man - his parents just order him around - (his side of course - who knows-but that's how he feels) it's so hard to have a good relationship with a child who is going nuts - just try talking to her about stuff - other than school stuff - just to keep communication going. what are her interests? encourage her interests, drawing, singing, dance, music, or whatever it is.

Answer 6

i think you should be there for her and try to get REALLy close to her now because i guess i was around 10 when i started to change and me and my mom just drifted apart. i'm 14. but since i dont tell her a lot of stuff and just do things behind her back (not sex or drugs!) i get in a lot of trouble. but all she does is scream and hit me! and that just makes me hate her. Try to be her best friend because once she decides who shes gonna be, shes not going to change, especially not when she goes into high school. And dont be afraid to punish her and lay down the rules so she wont be disobeyed and end up grounded for 2 months like me!

Answer 7

I know exactly what your daughter is talking about. I'm 12 and i just entered middle school. I feel exactly how she feels.

From a kids perspective.....


All i want is my mom to back of sometimes and let me do what i wanna do. she is always questioning me, and always trying the punishment and trouble maker your grounded thing. but it never works. it just make us wanna do it even more then we did b4. Sometimes i wish she would leave me Alone and let me handle my life the way i want to. She always tells me its the wrong way and stuff, but i tell her to let it go and let me figure it out on my own. Sometimes that is the best way to teach a kid how to act. NOT therapy or severe punishment.
I know it's hard for parents to watch there kids mess up and do the wrong things, but let them do they're own thing. They'll learn that there mistakes are all wrong.


Sometimes LETTING A KID BE WHO THEY ARE IS THE BEST TYPE OF PUNISHMENT AND FREEDOM. So let her be and watch what happens.

Answer 8

DO not punish your daughter she will hate you. she can not communicate like adults like you and I. she is at the age but it doesnt make it right.
seek to understand her you seem so caring of a parent you have to gain her trust its very hard for a 12 yo girl to open up to there mom. Take her to a place she enjoys like the mall just you and her, wiate a while and initiate conversation. let her know how much you love her and that she can come to you for anything that you would much rather she talk to you than a stranger or counselor. the counseling will make it wors right now. she is not perfect she is human she has hormones school alot of aload on her too trying to fit in too. assure her you love her and that her job as your daughter is to come to you and talk to you and your job is to listen without judgment without punishment. come down a little to her level. let her know that its so important to be a leader and you want the best for her and by her cussing and stuff ebing disrespectful she is doing it to fit in because you dont teach her this and it makes you look bad too as a parent. but assure her that how can you know whats going on if she doesnt talk to you?
let her know these friends dont care about her when it comes down to it you are gonna always be there and she needs to respect this.
last resort if this doesnt work then she should go to boot camp!
the best parenting tip i can give is : teach by example and listen listen listen to her
which i can see you are!
good luck and take care

Answer 9

Pull her out of school and start homeschooling. Worked wonders for my daughter. Quit trying to be her friend and be her parent. I am sure she has alot of gadgets like they all do now, loss of privileges for a piss poor attitude and bad mouth can work wonders. After all who is in control here YOU or HER.

Answer 10

You need to punish her. Plain and simple. Take away the phone, computer (Unless for homework), TV, video games, etc. Tell her that she has to earn back her privileges by doing chores (And doing them right), and behaving.
Kids do NOT need therapists. They need parents that can discipline and make it stick. Giving in when you have already grounded them or punished them in some way is giving the kids too much power.