Poem: Logos (Please let me know what you think comments welcome.?

Question

A lot of what I've written recently isn't appropriate for YA. This one is, but if you can't handle religious content please stop reading now. It is not my desire to upset anyone. This was a parable I attempted on a workshop site. Please let me know what you think?

Logos

The flavor you are trying to describe
is found in the seeds
of the pomegranate,
mixed with moonlight, and tears. You will never
forget this taste. I pity you.
Everything will be less
vibrant now—everything will be…
less.

If you had asked:
How are we alike?
How could I deny you?
The stars would still be your blanket.
The garden still soft beneath your feet.

No. I would not have said love—that is not
the image you bear. The sword still spins
to protect this creation from your harsh love.
A love that would crush the Jay in its hands
The blood sings from the ground to Me—
not for vengeance—but in awe.

Does that give you a clue?

I am a Namer. I create with words.
What was light before I said it?
Was it conceived?
You are also a Namer. I would not
take that from you though
your tongue has turned black.
You create also. You do more than define:
The thought gives birth to the word; the word precedes the act.
What was murder before you said it?
You have continued to name

Deceit
Fear
Shame

Each word creates and confines. You still lack patience.
You will not hear me. My words will no longer strive
with your limited vocabulary.
I leave you one word behind.

Hope

It didn’t exist before I said it.
At the proper time you must scream it
to the hills and look up.
You will find Me waiting there,
I never left.
For I too am a Namer,
and I AM patient.

Answer 1

The flavor you are trying to describe
is found in the seeds of the pomegranate,
mixed with moonlight, and tears.
You will never
forget this taste.
I pity you. (wonderful!)
Everything will be less
vibrant now—everything will be…
less.
(as I'm sure you know, the pomegranate is a metaphor crossing almost all religions, however, the one that it is most committed to is the myth of Persephone. I actually read the first two stanzas as Hades speaking to Persephone about being his queen. I don't think this is something that you would want to change but it was my impression.)

If you had asked:
How are we alike?
How could I deny you?
The stars would still be your blanket.
The garden still soft beneath your feet.

No. I would not have said love—that is not
the image you bear. The sword still spins
to protect this creation from your harsh
love. A love that would crush
the Jay in its hands the blood sings
from the ground to Me—
not for vengeance—but in awe. (contrasts nicely with the later view of fishers and shepherds, subject was only allowed to be a gatherer)

Does that give you a clue?

I am a Namer. I create with words.
What was light before I said it?
Was it conceived?
You are also a Namer.
I would not
take that from you
though your tongue
has turned black.
You create also. You do more than define: (potentially flip these two lines? and eliminate the "also"?)
The thought gives birth to the word; the word precedes the act.
What was murder before you said it? (or before N. allowed him to say it? Can the divine be superseded by its creation? Are we dealing with Franken-Adam? or Cain?)
You have continued to name

Deceit
Fear
Shame (or did these things exist, waiting in the air as Ben Franklin "discovered" electricity? Or did the subject capture their essence?)

Each word creates and confines.
You still lack patience. (this is true of N and his subject)
You will not hear me. My words will no longer strive
with your limited vocabulary.
I leave you one word behind. (I tried to create more of a staccato beat with these lines to create the impact)

Hope (again, turning to the Greeks, the last of the evils left in Pandora's box)

It didn’t exist before I said it.
At the proper time you must scream it
to the hills and look up.
You will find Me waiting there, (interesting that there's a loss of N.'s voice but the visual remains)
I never left.
For I too am a Namer,
and I AM patient.



Todd,

Excellent work here. I've always had difficulty with the world being a fallen place, as it puts humanity in an automatic discord with the world, but I do enjoy when gods speak. The N here resembles the passive-aggressive God of Milton, unwilling to abdicate authority while refusing responsibility, for HIS/HER(I personally like William James' Overmind) creation: the subject is only as good as the N. made it and the subject, as Junior Namer, reflects the flaws of N (I'm speaking purely in terms of the frame of your poem). I follow that the disappointment of N. in his subject ultimately casts back on Itself. Turning again to the pomegranate, isn't it inevitable, and this can be read as a parent sending off the offspring on the hero's journey; to stay would be to fail, to never grow, something oddly conditioned to the Judeo-Christian tradition, that what was lost was better than what will ever be, the confusion of the metaphor with the real. Again, that's just me. As I said, I like when gods' speak and show their flaws. I enjoyed this thoroughly! Thanks for posting.

Answer 2

Todd, this is excellent. The way you control the rhythm of this poem particularly strikes me. The pace varies, and it all reads very well.

Since I respect your writing enough to be really nit-picky, the one complaint I have is that the imagery in the poem is vivid until the line, "Does that give you a clue?" - and then pretty much stops. The intelligence in your play on language, especially at "Each word creates and confines," is undeniable. That line, though, would give a great opportunity to depict visually creation through nomenclature. I won't insult you by suggesting how to do that, but I think it's the one thing that could strengthen the last portion of the poem.

Great work - in fact, better than the already-good writing I saw when last I was here reading it.

Answer 3

Awesome! I love the subtle imagery and word play. Contrasting the Divine Mind (Logos) with the human mind. Very, very good. I loved all of the references to biblical themes, the garden, I Am, Hope, the sword.

The reference to the Namer is very interesting to me, especially from a philosophical point of view.

I've been trying to express these themes in poems myself to no great efffect, but here, you have done it!

Good job Todd!

Answer 4

I love the title. I like the connection between Namers. That is a more thoughtful approach to "in His image" than is common. The entire poem is thoughtful and interesting, until the end, to me.
The idea that all humanity is left with is Hope; that if we Hope we shall find; that all we need is Hope is pretty familiar.
Thanks for posting. I enjoyed it very much.

Answer 5

Absolutely awesome. You are a gifted writer. It was executed freely by your reasoning mind. The desire to make it poetic is clearly manifested in every line that you made. I highly appreciate how you come up with a very good allegory.

Thanks for soliciting comments. Have a great day!

Answer 6

Brilliant Sir!

This is different from anything we've ever seen here. It goes way beyond great form and meter. It speaks to universal questions and truths.

BTW, I was playing that YouTube clip of Kirsten Flagstad singing Hojotoho. Great background music for your piece.

Standing O!

TD

Answer 7

Todd, you never cease to amaze me. Your mastery of free verse and the ability to make it read like poetry astounds me each time I read something you've written. I really admire the way you are able to make it seem so effortless to write that way, but I have tried many times, and cannot get the flow of words without making them rhyme. Well done, Sir Poet, well done.

Respectfully
Dondi

Answer 8

Hi Todd,

I greatly enjoyed this piece.

I obtained from this that the N is continuing to instruct, but that we have created our own ways, to choose not to remember despite that which was taught.

Although my views of this topic are different, I found no offense to anything that was spoken.

Nice job.

Sam

Answer 9

You are an amazing poet, Todd. It is beautiful. Absolutely, stunningly, breathtakingly beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing!

Answer 10

Hello Todd,

I am Starring you for the way in which you have put this.

Jed