This one sounds like the ramblings of madness, how do I get it right?

Question

Insidious Demons

An empty darkness is creeping in
Surrounding and suffocating me
Like a heavy blanket; a merciless fog
I feel it clawing at my flesh
Pulling at my soul
It won’t give up; I won’t give in
To this swirl of emptiness rising within

It is a thing eating at me
Wearing me down
Exposing what I hold inside
Tearing away my mask
In a black rage like fire
Its thick smoke chokes me

As thick dark blood
Oozes from unhealing wounds
The deep cut of the knife
That reveals the empty soul beneath

That heavy unnerving presence
Hangs close like a dark cloud
Imprisoned by its bars
I am held by the darkness
It kills all hope and aspiration
As quick as the rain swept candle dies

It is black oil that seeps into my bones
It’s a strangling vine entwining my soul with emptiness
And squeezing life from my heart
It plants its heavy hopeless seeds
Deep into the pit of my being


I feel nausea sweep through me
In a cloud of mind-numbing dizziness
It whispers of all things sour
I feel its arms drape over me like a thick curtain
Its face looms above like a dark shadow
And I cannot run for it finds me
It runs me down like a monstrous beast
Invading my sleep in feverish nightmares
Crushing and cramping till my breath runs short
All around me it twists and twirls like a cyclone
Howling in despair of the soul it must capture
And I cannot escape this frenzy of emotion
This emptiness, this sorrow, this cold lonely fear
That I am not in control
That I am just a pawn
The first sacrifice, that I am nothing
With no soul, no life, no choice

Could the light ever reach me?
In the darkness of hell?
Could it ever bring the sunshine
To my weary soul
Or am I doomed forever
Captured by the demons
That have devoured all that was dear
All that was once in my heart
All that was good and pure
Is now a distant memory
A fantasy I hold
Something that once was
Could it ever be again?

Answer 1

But your avatar looks so perky!
I don't know about "getting it right," since this is so subjective. I can tell you that I would feel it more if I read less about your feelings.
Like lines 2 and 4. Just by describing the darkness you help me feel it.
I like the images of smoke, and bars, haze. . .
The final 2 stanzas really get vague and melodramatic. To me,
"I feel nausea sweep through me
In a cloud of mind-numbing dizziness"
is not up to snuff with other parts of your poem.
Thanks for posting it for us.

Answer 2

Have you ever noticed that many of our YA experts who tell us what is wrong with our work and how to fix it, have never posted any poetry at all. I thought that was an interesting point to bring out, as I have been checking these things for the last few weeks.

Answer 3

Sounds like you were in a pretty dark place when you wrote this one! but still i think it is great work, very raw emotion but had meaning & feeling & i could really put myself in that mind frame as I was reading.So i really don't think there is such a thing as "getting it right"for i belive with poetry it is created in the spur of the moment & reflects of how we are feeling at the time that's what gives each poem it's own sence of uniquness.